Debi Brown - The Aspie Girls Guide to Being Safe with Men: The Unwritten Safety Rules No-one is Telling You

The Aspie Girls Guide to Being Safe with Men

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THE
Aspie Girls Guide to Being Safe with Men

The Unwritten Safety Rules No-one is Telling You

DEBI BROWN

Foreword by Sarah Attwood

Jessica Kingsley Publishers
London and Philadelphia

Male and female genital diagrams on pp.7980 from Making Sense of Sex by Sarah Attwood, published in 2008.

Diagrams copyright 2008 by Jonathan Powell. Reprinted with permission of Jonathan Powell.

First published in 2013

by Jessica Kingsley Publishers

116 Pentonville Road

London N1 9JB, UK

and

400 Market Street, Suite 400

Philadelphia, PA 19106, USA

www.jkp.com

Copyright Debi Brown 2013

Foreword copyright Sarah Attwood 2013

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced in any material form (including photocopying or storing it in any medium by electronic means and whether or not transiently or incidentally to some other use of this publication) without the written permission of the copyright owner except in accordance with the provisions of the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988 or under the terms of a licence issued by the Copyright Licensing Agency Ltd, Saffron House, 610 Kirby Street, London EC1N 8TS. Applications for the copyright owners written permission to reproduce any part of this publication should be addressed to the publisher.

Warning: The doing of an unauthorised act in relation to a copyright work may result in both a civil claim for damages and criminal prosecution.

Library of Congress Cataloging in Publication Data

Brown, Debi.

The aspie girls guide to being safe with men / Debi Brown ; foreword by Sarah Attwood.

p. cm.

Includes bibliographical references and index.

ISBN 978-1-84905-354-9 (alk. paper)

1. Sex instruction for girls. 2. Aspergers syndrome. 3. Man-woman relationships. 4. Dating (Social customs) I. Title.

HQ51.B76 2012

646.77--dc23

2012027361

British Library Cataloguing in Publication Data

A CIP catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library

ISBN 978 1 84905 354 9

eISBN 978 0 85700 703 2

Printed and bound in Great Britain

For all Aspie girls and women everywhere, hoping this will keep you safe

Foreword

During the many years I worked as a sexuality educator, I spoke to hundreds of parents of young children at kindergartens and preschools. One topic that always came up was that of sexual abuse, and how to protect young children. It is tempting to think that keeping our children in the house, only allowing them out under strict supervision, and teaching them about stranger danger will minimise the possibility of their being singled out for sexual abuse. This, of course, is not the case. Over 80 per cent of child sexual abuse occurs within the home, perpetrated by a family member or friend.

So what is to be recommended? How can you protect young children from a threat that is potentially so close to home? Actually, it isnt all that difficult. The advice to parents is always:

Ensure that your child is able to name, using the correct terms, their private body parts.

Teach your child about privacy, and what this means in terms of private body parts, private places and private behaviours.

Communicate openly, lovingly and often with your child. Listen to them without judgement, so that they have the confidence to tell you whatever is on their mind.

Predators sniff out vulnerability. But a child who is demonstrably knowledgeable, secure and confident, and clearly has good communication with at least one adult in their life, is not vulnerable. A predator will give such a child a wide berth.

Debi Browns book is not about young children. But it is about a vulnerable group of people, namely, Aspie girls and women. Their vulnerability stems from their social difficulties, where they may struggle to understand and be part of the social world. They may desperately want friends, yet find this difficult to achieve. They may be less knowledgeable about sexual facts than their peers, having missed out on the sharing of information that happens among teenagers. They may be willing to engage in sexual activity just to fit in, or in a mistaken attempt to boost their popularity or self-esteem. It is a disturbing fact that girls and women on the autism spectrum suffer more than their fair share of sexual abuse in childhood and adolescence, and abusive, dysfunctional relationships as adults.

As an Aspie herself, Debi Brown has written warmly, startlingly honestly and from a position of knowledge about how to address the problem of Aspie girls being safe in their relationships with men. She has understood the fundamental truth, that to ensure a girls safety, it is vital to educate her. She needs to have a good knowledge of the real facts about sex; she needs to understand boundaries and what constitutes acceptable behaviour (both her own and her sexual partners); and she needs a solid network of safe people to whom she can turn for advice and support. This is exactly the same framework as described above to protect children.

Debi doesnt use innuendo or assume knowledge on the part of the reader, since she has discovered through her own experience that these lead to misunderstandings. She takes you step-by-step through each stage, spelling out the facts, never mincing her words. She lays it bare, and when it all gets too difficult (some of the subject matter is deeply challenging), she envelops you warmly with reassurances and kind words. You feel as though you are sitting having a heart-to-heart chat with your best friend.

This beautifully written book should be essential reading for all young women, not just Aspies. It should certainly be read by anyone who loves and supports an Aspie. The themes that run through the book, of building up ones knowledge, learning about boundaries, developing friendship and relationship skills, and working towards a healthy independence and sexuality, are those that should be woven into the support that is given to every Aspie throughout their childhood, to provide the road map for a safe adult life.

Sarah Attwood

Author of Making Sense of Sex: A Forthright Guide to Puberty, Sex and Relationships for People with Aspergers Syndrome

August 2012

ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS

I would like to express my heartfelt gratitude to the following people for their help in connection with this book:

Charlene Tait and Scottish Autism, for immediately recognising the importance of this book and supporting it.

Jessica Kingsley Publishers, for publishing this book.

Stella Macdonald, for being a shining light and for continually showing me by her example that Aspies can do anything.