Jonathan Franzen - Purity

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for Elisabeth Robinson

Die stets das Bse will und stets das Gute schafft

MONDAY

Oh pussycat, Im so glad to hear your voice, the girls mother said on the telephone. My body is betraying me again. Sometimes I think my life is nothing but one long process of bodily betrayal.

Isnt that everybodys life? the girl, Pip, said. Shed taken to calling her mother midway through her lunch break at Renewable Solutions. It brought her some relief from the feeling that she wasnt suited for her job, that she had a job that nobody could be suited for, or that she was a person unsuited for any kind of job; and then, after twenty minutes, she could honestly say that she needed to get back to work.

My left eyelid is drooping, her mother explained. Its like theres a weight on it thats pulling it down, like a tiny fishermans sinker or something.

Right now?

Off and on. Im wondering if it might be Bells palsy.

Whatever Bells palsy is, Im sure you dont have it.

If you dont even know what it is, pussycat, how can you be so sure?

I dont knowbecause you didnt have Graves disease? Hyperthyroidism? Melanoma?

It wasnt as if Pip felt good about making fun of her mother. But their dealings were all tainted by moral hazard , a useful phrase shed learned in college economics. She was like a bank too big in her mothers economy to fail, an employee too indispensable to be fired for bad attitude. Some of her friends in Oakland also had problematic parents, but they still managed to speak to them daily without undue weirdnesses transpiring, because even the most problematic of them had resources that consisted of more than just their single offspring. Pip was it, as far as her own mother was concerned.

Well, I dont think I can go to work today, her mother said. My Endeavor is the only thing that makes that job survivable, and I cant connect with the Endeavor when theres an invisible fishermans sinker pulling on my eyelid.

Mom, you cant call in sick again. Its not even July. What if you get the actual flu or something?

And meanwhile everybodys wondering what this old woman with half her face drooping onto her shoulder is doing bagging their groceries. You have no idea how I envy you your cubicle. The invisibility of it.

Lets not romanticize the cubicle, Pip said.

This is the terrible thing about bodies. Theyre so visible , so visible .

Pips mother, though chronically depressed, wasnt crazy. Shed managed to hold on to her checkout-clerk job at the New Leaf Community Market in Felton for more than ten years, and as soon as Pip relinquished her own way of thinking and submitted to her mothers she could track what she was saying perfectly well. The only decoration on the gray segments of her cubicle was a bumper sticker, AT LEAST THE WAR ON THE ENVIRONMENT IS GOING WELL. Her colleagues cubicles were covered with photos and clippings, but Pip herself understood the attraction of invisibility. Also, she expected to be fired any month now, so why settle in.

Have you given any thought to how you want to not-celebrate your not-birthday? she asked her mother.

Frankly, Id like to stay in bed all day with the covers over my head. I dont need a not-birthday to remind me Im getting older. My eyelid is doing a very good job of that already.

Why dont I make you a cake and Ill come down and we can eat it. You sound sort of more depressed than usual.

Im not depressed when I see you.

Ha, too bad Im not available in pill form. Could you handle a cake made with stevia?

I dont know. Stevia does something funny to the chemistry of my mouth. Theres no fooling a taste bud, in my experience.

Sugar has an aftertaste, too, Pip said, although she knew that argument was futile.

Sugar has a sour aftertaste that the taste bud has no problem with, because its built to report sourness without dwelling on it. The taste bud doesnt have to spend five hours registering strangeness, strangeness! Which was what happened to me the one time I drank a stevia drink.

But Im saying the sourness does linger.

Theres something very wrong when a taste bud is still reporting strangeness five hours after you had a sweetened drink. Do you know that if you smoke crystal meth even once, your entire brain chemistry is altered for the rest of your life? Thats what stevia tastes like to me.

Im not sitting here puffing on a meth stem, if thats what youre trying to say.

Im saying I dont need a cake.

No, Ill find a different kind of cake. Im sorry I suggested a kind thats poison to you.

I didnt say it was poison. Its simply that stevia does something funny

To your mouth chemistry, yeah.

Pussycat, Ill eat whatever kind of cake you bring me, refined sugar wont kill me, I didnt mean to upset you. Sweetheart, please.

No phone call was complete before each had made the other wretched. The problem, as Pip saw itthe essence of the handicap she lived with; the presumable cause of her inability to be effective at anythingwas that she loved her mother. Pitied her; suffered with her; warmed to the sound of her voice; felt an unsettling kind of nonsexual attraction to her body; was solicitous even of her mouth chemistry; wished her greater happiness; hated upsetting her; found her dear. This was the massive block of granite at the center of her life, the source of all the anger and sarcasm that she directed not only at her mother but, more and more self-defeatingly of late, at less appropriate objects. When Pip got angry, it wasnt really at her mother but at the granite block.

Shed been eight or nine when it occurred to her to ask why her birthday was the only one celebrated in their little cabin, in the redwoods outside Felton. Her mother had replied that she didnt have a birthday; the only one that mattered to her was Pips. But Pip had pestered her until she agreed to celebrate the summer solstice with a cake that they would call not-birthday. This had then raised the question of her mothers age, which shed refused to divulge, saying only, with a smile suitable to the posing of a koan, Im old enough to be your mother.

No, but how old are you really ?

Look at my hands, her mother had said. If you practice, you can learn to tell a womans age by her hands.

And sofor the first time, it seemedPip had looked at her mothers hands. The skin on the back of them wasnt pink and opaque like her own skin. It was as if the bones and veins were working their way to the surface; as if the skin were water receding to expose shapes at the bottom of a harbor. Although her hair was thick and very long, there were dry-looking strands of gray in it, and the skin at the base of her throat was like a peach a day past ripe. That night, Pip lay awake in bed and worried that her mother might die soon. It was her first premonition of the granite block.

Shed since come fervently to wish that her mother had a man in her life, or really just one other person of any description, to love her. Potential candidates over the years had included their next-door neighbor Linda, who was likewise a single mom and likewise a student of Sanskrit, and the New Leaf butcher, Ernie, who was likewise a vegan, and the pediatrician Vanessa Tong, whose powerful crush on Pips mother had taken the form of trying to interest her in birdwatching, and the mountain-bearded handyman Sonny, for whom no maintenance job was too small to occasion a discourse on ancient Pueblo ways of being. All these good-hearted San Lorenzo Valley types had glimpsed in Pips mother what Pip herself, in her early teens, had seen and felt proud of: an ineffable sort of greatness. You didnt have to write to be a poet, you didnt have to create things to be an artist. Her mothers spiritual Endeavor was itself a kind of artan art of invisibility. There was never a television in their cabin and no computer before Pip turned twelve; her mothers main source of news was the Santa Cruz Sentinel , which she read for the small daily pleasure of being appalled by the world. In itself, this was not so uncommon in the Valley. The trouble was that Pips mother herself exuded a shy belief in her greatness, or at least carried herself as if shed once been great, back in a pre-Pip past that she categorically refused to talk about. She wasnt so much offended as mortified that their neighbor Linda could compare her frog-catching, mouth-breathing son, Damian, to her own singular and perfect Pip. She imagined that the butcher would be permanently shattered if she told him that he smelled to her like meat, even after a shower; she made herself miserable dodging Vanessa Tongs invitations rather than just admit she was afraid of birds; and whenever Sonnys high-clearance pickup rolled into their driveway she made Pip go to the door while she fled out the back way and into the redwoods. What gave her the luxury of being impossibly choosy was Pip. Over and over, shed made it clear: Pip was the only person who passed muster, the only person she loved.