Richard Bausch - Before, During, After

Not to be lonely, not to look back with regret, not to miss anything, always to be awake and aware. And to paint. Beautifully.

Natasha Barrett had written this in her journal when she was seventeen.

Favorite watercolorists: Sargent and Gramatky. Favorite sculptors: Bernini, Donatello. Favorite book: The Age of Innocence by Edith Wharton. Favorite music: rock, particularly Men at Work, the Police, Dylan; and also for music: jazz, especially Chet Baker and Billie Holiday. Biggest fear: rejection. Biggest ambition: to travel and to know the world by heart.

Seventeen. And she had come upon it this past winter, years away. You could be a little proud, looking back. You could even find some comfort in the recollection.

In early April of the year she was to turn thirty-two, what she thought of as the chastened later version of that young woman attended a fund-raising dinner hosted by her employer, Senator Tom Norland of Mississippi, at his mansion in Arlington. The mansion was on a high bluff overlooking the Potomac River, and from the road it was just visible at its roofline after you crossed into Virginia an immense redbrick Colonial. She had visited several times before, and there was always something warm and welcoming about it in spite of its imposing size. Behind the house was a flagstone patio, and walking paths wound through the tall oaks that stood at the edge of the bluff above the river. Along the paths, iron benches were placed decorously amid flower beds and statuary. People would gather in this wide shady space when the senator was entertaining guests.

This evening she arrived late and was greeted by Norlands tall pretty wife, Greta. Come right in, darling. Greta smiled her white smile and then frowned. Are you all right? You look a bit downhearted.

Oh, no, Im fine, Natasha said. Just tired.

Well, good to see you, honey. Go right through.

The younger woman reflected that there were people for whom cheerfulness was a trait, something they were blessed with like good bone structure and silky blond hair. She went along the polished hardwood floor of the hall and stepped out onto the patio. Cocktails and wine were being served to the left of the entrance, a young dark man standing behind a table there. Natasha asked for red wine, and his gaze went over her. She could have imagined this.

Moving away from the crowd and out onto the lawn, she walked among the statues small, delicate-looking angelic figures in supplicating poses. Please, they all seemed to be saying.

The winter had been long, colored by the aftermath of the end of an affair. She was in no mood for a party and had wanted very badly to find an excuse not to come. But it was Friday, still part of the workweek, and her presence was required: the gathering was for the benefit of the Human Relations Conference, one of the senators pet projects. She was his chief organizer.

Wandering back to the patio, she stood sipping her glass of wine, surrounded by people whose evident curiosity about the senators assistanttwo people actually referred to her that way made her irritable and cross. She wasnt there five minutes before she found herself desiring with adolescent fervor to disappear into the rooms of the house. She kept forcing a smile, listening politely to what was said to her. The guests, many of them local celebrities, were talking about the upcoming conference and about politics the new presidents withdrawal from the Kyoto Protocol on global warming. It was a signal, someone said, about where things were headed with the Republicans back in power. Others speculated about all that. Someone else remarked on the perfect weather, trying to change the subject. To Natasha it all began to seem depressingly automatic, like the chatter of birds on a shoreline. Species noise.

The weather was indeed fine: clear and cool, breezes stirring like whispered secrets in the leaves of the oaks bordering the property, the new leaves gold daubed with sun, nearly translucent. The gravel and flagstone walks skirting the edge of the bluff afforded a lovely view of the dark green river far below, with its ranks of sculling boats from Georgetown. The air was flower scented.

Norland approached through the confusion of others, grasping the upper arm of a man who seemed reluctant to be handled in that way. She saw that the man wore a clerical collar. Natasha, Norland said. You grew up in Memphis.

The senator had a gift for tautology.

She nodded and smiled at him.

Id like you to meet Father Michael Faulk, pastor of Grace Episcopal Church in Memphis, Tennessee.

Father Faulk was tall, solid looking, bulky through the shoulders. She saw his dark brown eyes and, when they shook hands, felt the roughness of his palm.

Actually, I grew up in Collierville, she said to him.

Collierville. I dont get out that way much.

In Memphis people decide not to go somewhere if its more than five minutes away. I had Memphis friends who would talk about Collierville as if it was Knoxville, four hundred miles down the road instead of fifteen.

You say you had Memphis friends. His black hair was receding. He looked to be in his late forties or early fifties.

She said, Former friends, yes.

I wont ask.

They all moved to other cities? she said in the tone of someone speculating.

Im still not asking.

They talked a little about Graceland and other attractions. It was the usual informal kindness of social occasions. She did not feel up to it.

Ive never really thought about the distance to Collierville, he went on. Is it fifteen miles?

Fifteen miles from Beale Street to where I lived growing up. She turned to acknowledge the greeting of a coworker, Janice Layne, who was the senators press secretary. Father Faulk moved off, having been pulled in another direction by one of the donors to the event and perhaps having sensed her reluctance to chat. Janice frowned slightly. Mmm. Whos the one in the pretty collar? That was Janice, boy crazy by her own account, and probably, secretly, nothing of the kind. Natasha had an indulgent sense of knowing affection for her.

Ive just been introduced. You dont know him?

He does look a little familiar. And hes hot. And Episcopal. I already got that much. And so if hes single, hes fair game. Ill find out for us.

Go, girl, Natasha said automatically. She was already beginning to forget him.

But they got seated next to each other at the dinner, and he turned a charmingly sidelong smile her way, talking about how he could never get used to the grandeur of places such as this with its atrium and its wide entrances and the original Rembrandt on the wall in the next room. He had been raised in Biloxi, in a decidedly middle-class environment, though his mother, just after he turned seventeen, was the recipient of a large inheritance from a great-uncle who had made a lot of money building houses. Most of my boyhood, he said, was spent so far from this. Anyway, I dont think Ill ever get used to it.

The humor in his face and the rich timbre of his voice brought her out of herself. He asked, through the smile, if she liked Washington. I do, she told him. Mostly.

Exactly how I feel about Memphis.

How long have you been there?

A long time, now. I went north out of high school. College in Boston not Harvard. The smile widened. Went to seminary in Saint Louis, and then down to Memphis.

Your family still in Biloxi?

My mother died three years ago, he said. My father lives in Little Rock. I have an aunt here in Washington.