Curtis Sittenfeld - Eligible

WELL BEFORE HIS arrival in Cincinnati, everyone knew that Chip Bingley was looking for a wife. Two years earlier, Chip graduate of Dartmouth College and Harvard Medical School, scion of the Pennsylvania Bingleys, who in the twentieth century had made their fortune in plumbing fixtures had, ostensibly with some reluctance, appeared on the juggernaut reality-television show Eligible. Over the course of eight weeks in the fall of 2011, twenty-five single women had lived together in a mansion in Rancho Cucamonga, California, and vied for Chips heart: accompanying him on dates to play blackjack in Las Vegas and taste wine at vineyards in Napa Valley, fighting with and besmirching one another in and out of his presence. At the end of each episode, every woman received either a kiss on the lips from him, which meant she would continue to compete, or a kiss on the cheek, which meant she had to return home immediately. In the final episode, with only two women remaining Kara, a wide-eyed, blond-ringleted twenty-three-year-old former college cheerleader turned second-grade teacher from Jackson, Mississippi, and Marcy, a duplicitous yet alluring brunette twenty-eight-year-old dental hygienist from Morristown, New Jersey Chip wept profusely and declined to propose marriage to either. They both were extraordinary, he declared, stunning and intelligent and sophisticated, but toward neither did he feel what he termed a soul connection. In compliance with FCC regulations, Marcys subsequent tirade consisted primarily of bleeped-out words that nevertheless did little to conceal her rage.

Its not because he was on that silly show that I want him to meet our girls, Mrs. Bennet told her husband over breakfast on a morning in late June. The Bennets lived on Grandin Road, in a sprawling eight-bedroom Tudor in Cincinnatis Hyde Park neighborhood. I never even saw it. But he went to Harvard Medical School, you know.

So youve mentioned, said Mr. Bennet.

After all weve been through, I wouldnt mind a doctor in the family, Mrs. Bennet said. Call that self-serving if you like, but Id say its smart.

Self-serving? Mr. Bennet repeated. You?

Five weeks prior, Mr. Bennet had undergone emergency coronary artery bypass surgery; after a not inconsiderable recuperation, it was just in the last few days that his typically sardonic affect had returned.

Chip Bingley didnt even want to be on Eligible, but his sister nominated him, Mrs. Bennet said.

A reality show isnt unlike the Nobel Peace Prize, then, Mr. Bennet said. In that they both require nominations.

I wonder if Chips renting or has bought a place, Mrs. Bennet said. That would tell us something about how long he plans to stay in Cincinnati.

Mr. Bennet set down his slice of toast. Given that this man is a stranger to us, you seem inordinately interested in the details of his life.

Id scarcely say stranger. Hes in the ER at Christ Hospital, which means Dick Lucas must know him. Chips very well-spoken, not like those trashy young people who are usually on TV. And very handsome, too.

I thought youd never seen the show.

I only caught a few minutes of it, when the girls were watching. Mrs. Bennet looked peevishly at her husband. You shouldnt quarrel with me. Its bad for your recovery. Anyway, Chip could have had a whole career on TV but chose to return to medicine. And you can tell that hes from a nice family. Fred, I really believe his moving here right when Jane and Liz are home is the silver lining to our troubles. The eldest and second eldest of the five Bennet sisters had lived in New York for the last decade and a half; it was due to their fathers health scare that they had abruptly, if temporarily, returned to Cincinnati.

My dear, said Mr. Bennet, if a sock puppet with a trust fund and a Harvard medical degree moved here, youd think he was meant to marry one of our girls.

Tease me all you like, but the clock is ticking. No, Jane doesnt look like shell be forty in November, but any man who knows her age will think long and hard about what that means. And Liz isnt far behind her.

Plenty of men dont want children. Mr. Bennet took a sip of coffee. Im still not sure that I do.

A woman in her forties can give birth, Mrs. Bennet said, but it isnt as easy as the media would have you believe. Phyllis and Bobs daughter had all sorts of procedures, and what did she end up with but little Ying from Shanghai. As she stood, Mrs. Bennet glanced at her gold oval-faced watch. Im going to phone Helen Lucas and see if she can arrange an introduction to Chip.

MRS. BENNET WAS always the one to say grace at family dinners she was fond of the Anglican meal prayer and hardly had the word amen passed her lips that evening when, with uncontainable enthusiasm, she announced, The Lucases have invited us for a Fourth of July barbecue!

What time? asked Lydia, who at twenty-three was the youngest Bennet. Because Kitty and I have plans.

Mary, who was thirty, said, No fireworks start before dark.

Were invited to a pre-party in Mount Adams, Kitty said. Kitty was twenty-six, the closest in both age and temperament to Lydia, yet contrary to typical sibling patterns, she both tagged after and was led astray by her younger sister.

But I havent told you wholl be at the barbecue. From her end of the long oak kitchen table, Mrs. Bennet beamed. Chip Bingley!

The Eligible crybaby? Lydia said, and Kitty giggled as Lydia added, Ive never seen a woman cry as hard as he did in the season finale.

Whats an eligible crybaby? Jane asked.

Oh, Jane, Liz said. So innocent and unspoiled. Youve heard of the reality show Eligible, right?

Jane squinted. I think so.

He was on it a couple years ago. He was the guy being lusted after by twenty-five women.

I dont suppose that any of you can appreciate the terror a man might feel being so outnumbered, Mr. Bennet said. I often weep, and there are only six of you.

Eligible is degrading to women, Mary said, and Lydia said, Of course thats what you think.

But every other season is one woman and twenty-five guys, Kitty said. Thats equality.

The women humiliate themselves in a way the men dont, Mary said. Theyre so desperate.

Chip Bingley went to Harvard Medical School, Mrs. Bennet said. Hes not one of those vulgar Hollywood types.

Mom, his Hollywood vulgarity is the only reason anyone in Cincinnati cares about him, Liz said.

Jane turned to her sister. You knew he was here?

You didnt?

Which of us are you hoping hell go for, Mom? Lydia asked. Hes old, right? So I assume Jane.

Thanks, Lydia, Jane said.

Hes thirty-six, Mrs. Bennet said. That would make him suitable for Jane or Liz.

Why not for Mary? Kitty asked.

He doesnt seem like Marys type, Mrs. Bennet said.

Because shes gay, Lydia said. And hes not a woman.

Mary glared at Lydia. First of all, Im not gay. And even if I were, Id rather be a lesbian than a sociopath.

Lydia smirked. You dont have to choose.

Is everyone listening to this? Mary turned to her mother, at the foot of the table, then her father, at the head. Theres something seriously wrong with Lydia.

Theres nothing wrong with any of you, Mrs. Bennet said. Jane, whats this vegetable called? It has an unusual flavor.

Its spinach, Jane said. I braised it.

In point of fact, Mr. Bennet said, theres something wrong with all of you. Youre adults, and you ought to be living on your own.