Heather Lewis - Notice

For the longest time I didnt call it turning tricks. When Id leave work, cross the street to the train station and, if some guy man, I guess really youd call him had come off the train, was on his way home, Id take his money.

Wed do it in his car. Id work maybe twenty minutes. Get maybe twenty dollars, which was good compared to what I made at my job across the street. Besides, its hard to get more in a car. At least I told myself this. Though I guess how much depends on what youll do for it.

I wouldnt do a whole lot; acted pretty grumpy about doing anything. But then they liked that, one or two of them especially did.

This wasnt something I was looking to do, though by how easy it happened you wouldve said it was. People have. Still, for me it happened by accident. And while its true I needed the money thats not all I needed from it. I dont care what anybody says. I understand the reason for telling people that, people outside it. But the thing is, I could never really see anyone as outside it. What the extra need is, the thing besides money? Ive never pinned it down. I know its there, though.

So anyway, every day after work Id wait. Well, maybe not every day, not at first. Gradually it got to be that regular. And then I got regulars. By then it becomes a two-way thing with them depending on you and you depending on them. Once its there, whos to blame doesnt matter because youre each getting what you came for.

Maybe it started because I didnt want to go home. Home right then meant my parents house. It hadnt meant that in a long time and to have it mean that again, so late in the game, relatively, wasnt easy or even simple.

I had, after all, picked the Juvey place over them, but that had turned out nasty. Worse than Id thought and Id thought bad. Of course, Id had a shaky start there and after that was marked. This didnt feel new to me, but the way they went about reminding you daily and in such obvious ways, the way they made you a dog, put a leash on you and I mean this literally I had to get out no matter where Id end up.

Id ended up at home with a capital H, and so every day after work I avoided going there. This despite the fact my parents werent living there and wouldnt be for months. It didnt matter. Everything in the place belonged to them. Nothing much belonged to me. Theyd tossed my stuff when I got locked up. Anyway, as long as I stayed there it seemed I belonged to them too and I needed not to be reminded of this.

For quite a while Id gone to a bar after work. One across the street, catercorner to the station. Soon enough that turned into a thing with one of the bartenders. This was based not even on sex but on cocaine and, that not being my favorite drug, I tired of it fast.

Maybe somehow I figured if I hung around outside the bar instead of inside Id get paid instead of paying, or trading. Trading, anyone will tell you, ranks as low as you can go and already Id had years of it. Been born to it really. And so I felt the need to move up. Or I needed to make things plainer.

So I did move up, which meant out, or never going inthe bar, that is. I dont know when the first time was, though I do remember it. And like always, like everyone else, I was thinking, well, maybe just this once.

The reason its never just once is the same reason moneys only a part of it. Most anyone can take or leave that, though they dont think they can. The cover story of all time, thats what money is. The excuse of excuses no one will question because they so much need to use it themselves.

The first one, I didnt want him to know he was first. Even before it was actual work I didnt want anyone to think they were first.

Later, of course, it becomes good business to convince them all its your first time, first time for money anyway. Not too many would believe beyond that. And when even that becomes impossible to sell, then you try to convince them theyre different, or that what theyre asking for is.

Always you try and convince them you like it, or them, whichever seems more important. Unless they could care less about that stuff. Those are the easiest in a way, well, depending.

But that actual first time its not so likely youd want him knowing, unless theres someone else in it to profit. And Id promised myself Id never have someone like that.

So that first time happened by standing around. By walking past the bar instead of going in. And then past my car and not driving home. It was awkward, but more for the guy off the train. Wasnt his first time, that I could tell, but probably his first time this close to home.

Once I saw his hands, the way they fiddled with his wallet, I didnt so much relax as switch. We were still talking about him buying me a drink. He was asking how much that would cost and worrying about the cash he had on him.

I dont know, maybe he thought we were talking about a motel. I wasnt. Knew while Id cost more, Id pay more, so I wasnt going any farther than this parking lot. I just wanted him to show me his car.

Finally he said, Where do we go?

So I said, You got a car? And that was that. That part was settled.

The car was nice, nice for this. One of those ones with a front seat that moves back all in one piece. Not so good for driving, but good for sitting in.

Like I said, he didnt know how to act, so he started walking me around to the passenger side. He stopped somewhere near the hood ornament.

Anyway, he let me walk the rest of the way by myself and I got to my door before he got to his. Had to wait for him to pop the locks.

I was wearing kind of a short skirt. He had on a suit, a lightweight one sort of olive-colored. It was almost too late for dressing this way, too far into fall. Far enough that I was wearing stockings, black ones, the kind with a seam up the back.

I guess what Im saying is we both looked the part and that made things easier. Easier for me at least. And he was young and not bad looking, and this helped me too.

Id gotten my money already, outside the car. Not much left to do now but do him, so I put my hand in his lap. Got him the rest of the way there, then unzipped him. Touched him some before I put my head down.

It was fine really, was no big deal. He took maybe four minutes, and when he came I swallowed because neither of us had planned any place else to put it. Besides hed been decent so it seemed wrong to leave him a mess to clean up.

I didnt wait around, mostly because I could tell he didnt want me to. I just got out of his car and started walking to mine, then kept walking past it again.

Wound up going into the bar after all.

I spent some of the twenty drinking because the bartender I knew came in late. Once he got there I stayed as long as he did. Sat at the bar until they closed. Then sat at a table until he finished locking up, counting the drawer, drying some glasses.

When he got done, he came over. He pushed aside the table I sat behind. Got down on his knees so he was in between mine. Afterwards we did maybe half a gram, though it was more like speed cut with coke than vice-versa and this wasnt the first time. Still, I wasnt ready to start anything over it. Not yet. Just noticed and knew Id have to say something sometime soon.

My end of this deal had been short to begin with and was now getting shorter. Like I said, Id seen I was paying too much for too little. I guess getting paid out there in the parking lot made me really feel it. Before itd been more of an idea.

I guess youd call this a transitional period.

The transition didnt last very long. Lasted only until this new one walked up to me. It couldnt have been more than a few weeks later.