Amy Morin - 13 Things Mentally Strong People Don’t Do

To all who strive to become better today than they were yesterday

CONTENTS

When I was twenty-three, my mother died suddenly from a brain aneurysm. Shed always been a healthy, hardworking, vibrant woman who had loved life right up until her last minute on earth. In fact, I saw her the night before she died. We met at an auditorium to watch a high school basketball tournament. She was laughing, talking, and enjoying life like she always did. But just twenty-four hours later she was gone. The loss of my mother affected me deeply. I couldnt imagine going through the rest of my life without her advice, laughter, or love.

At the time, I was working as a therapist at a community mental health center, and I took a few weeks off to privately deal with my grief. I knew I couldnt be effective at helping other people unless I was able to productively deal with my own feelings. Becoming used to a life that no longer included my mother was a process. It wasnt easy, but I worked hard to get myself back on my feet. From my training as a therapist, I knew that time doesnt heal anything; its how we deal with that time that determines the speed at which we heal. I understood that grief was the necessary process that would eventually alleviate my pain, so I allowed myself to feel sad, to get angry, and to fully accept what Id truly lost when my mother passed away. It wasnt just that I missed herit was also the painful realization that she would never be there again during the important events in my life and that she would never experience the things shed looked forward tolike retire from her job and become a grandmother. With supportive friends and family, and my faith in God, I found a sense of peace; and as life went on, I was able to remember my mother with a smile, rather than with pangs of sadness.

A few years later, as we approached the third anniversary of my mothers death, my husband, Lincoln, and I discussed how to best honor her memory that weekend. Friends had invited us to watch a basketball game on Saturday evening. Coincidentally, the game was being played in the same auditorium where wed last seen my mother. Lincoln and I talked about what it would be like to go back to the place where wed seen her, just three years ago, on the night before she passed away.

We decided it could be a wonderful way to celebrate her life. After all, my memories of her that night were very good. Wed laughed, had a chance to talk about all kinds of things, and had an all-around great evening. My mother had even predicted my sister would get married to her boyfriend at the timeand a few years later that prediction came true.

So Lincoln and I returned to the auditorium and we enjoyed spending time with our friends. We knew it was what my mother would have wanted. It felt nice to go back and feel okay about being there. But just as I took a sigh of relief about my progress in dealing with my mothers death, my entire life was once again turned upside down.

After returning home from the basketball game, Lincoln complained of back pain. Hed broken several vertebrae in a car accident a few years prior, so back pain wasnt unusual for him. But just a few minutes later, he collapsed. I called for paramedics and they arrived within minutes and transported him to the hospital. I called his mother, and his family met me in the emergency room. I had no idea what could possibly be wrong with him.

After a few minutes in the emergency room waiting area, we were called into a private room. Before the doctor even said a word, I knew what he was going to say. Lincoln had passed away. Hed had a heart attack.

On the same weekend that we honored the three-year anniversary of my mothers death, I now found myself a widow. It just didnt make any sense. Lincoln was only twenty-six and he didnt have any history of heart problems. How could he be here one minute and gone the next? I was still adjusting to life without my mother, and now Id have to learn how to deal with life without Lincoln. I couldnt imagine how I would get through this.

Dealing with the death of a spouse is such a surreal experience. There were so many choices to be made at a time when I really wasnt in any shape to decide anything. Within a matter of hours, I had to start making decisions about everything from the funeral arrangements to the wording of the obituary. There wasnt any time to let the reality of the situation really sink in; it was completely overwhelming.

I was fortunate to have many people in my life who supported me. A journey through grief is an individual process, but loving friends and family certainly helped. There were times when it seemed to get a little easier and times when it would get worse. Just when Id think I was getting better, Id turn another corner to find overwhelming sadness waiting for me. Grief is an emotionally, mentally, and physically exhausting process.

There were so many things to feel sad about too. I felt sad for my husbands family, knowing how much theyd loved Lincoln. I felt sad about all the things Lincoln would never experience. And I was sad about all the things wed never get to do together, not to mention, how much I missed him.

I took as much time off from work as I could. Those months are mostly a blur as I was focused on just putting one foot in front of the other every day. But I couldnt stay out of work forever. I was down to just one income and had to get back into the office.

After a couple of months, my supervisor called and asked about my plans to return to work. My clients had been told I would be out of the office indefinitely while I dealt with a family emergency. They werent given any type of time frame about how long Id be out, since we werent really sure what was going to happen. But now, they needed an answer. I certainly wasnt done grieving, and I definitely wasnt better, but I needed to go back to work.

Just like when Id lost my mother, I had to allow myself time to experience the sorrow head-on. There was no ignoring it or pushing it away. I had to experience the pain while also proactively helping myself heal. I couldnt allow myself to stay stuck in my negative emotions. Although it would have been easy to pity myself or dwell on my past memories, I knew it wouldnt be healthy. I had to make a conscious choice to start down a long road to building a new life for myself.

I had to decide whether some of the goals Lincoln and I shared together were still going to be my goals. Wed been foster parents for a few years and had planned to eventually adopt a child. But did I still want to adopt a child as a single woman? I continued my work as a foster parent, providing mostly emergency and respite placements, for the next few years, but I wasnt sure I still wanted to adopt a child without Lincoln.

I also had to create new goals for myself now that I was alone. I decided to venture out and try new things. I got my motorcycle license and bought a motorcycle. I also began writing. At first it was mostly a hobby, but eventually it turned into a part-time job. I had to renegotiate new relationships with people as well by figuring out which of Lincolns friends would remain my friends and what my relationship with his family would be like without him. Fortunately for me, many of his closest friends maintained friendships with me. And his family continued to treat me like part of their family.

About four years later, I was fortunate enough to find love again. Or maybe I should say love found me. I was sort of getting used to life as a single person. But that all changed when I began dating Steve. Wed known each other for years and slowly our friendship turned into a relationship. Eventually, we started talking about a future together. Although I had never thought Id get married again, with Steve it just seemed right.