Kristen Lee - Mentalligence: A New Psychology of Thinking

M ental ligence

A New Psychology of Thinking

Learn What It Takes to Be More Agile, Mindful,

and Connected in Todays World

KRISTEN LEE , E d D, LICSW

Health Communications, Inc.

Deerfield Beach, Florida

www.hcibooks.com

This is a work of nonfiction that accurately conveys a multiyear teaching, learning, and qualitative research endeavor. In order to protect the privacy of those featured, certain names and identifying traits have been reconfigured and/or compressed to protect privacy, without compromising the integrity of the narrative presented.

This book is not intended to be a substitute for professional consultation, therapy, or medical advice. Neither the author nor the publisher shall be held responsible or liable for any loss or damage arising from any recommendations provided in this book.

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
is available through the Library of Congress

2017 Kristen Lee

ISBN-13: 978-07573-2057-6 (Paperback)

ISBN-10: 07573-2057-0 (Paperback)

ISBN-13: 978-07573-2059-0 (ePub)

ISBN-10: 07573-2059-7 (ePub)

All rights reserved. Printed in the United States of America. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise, without the written permission of the publisher.

HCI, its logos, and marks are trademarks of Health Communications, Inc.

Publisher: Health Communications, Inc.
3201 S.W. 15th Street
Deerfield Beach, FL 334428190

Cover design by Jim Pollard
Interior design and formatting by Lawna Patterson Oldfield
Signature design by Alexa Nguyen

Author photo by Alexandria Mauck
ePub created by Dawn Von Strolley Grove

To my students, of course
for teaching me more than I could ever teach you.

For Anna Hrvatin
for modeling the good life.

We are not
going in circles,
we are going upwards.

The path is a spiral;
we have already climbed
many steps.

Herman Hesse

Contents

Part I:
The Waking UP Sessions: Find Your Reflective Lens

Part II:
The Tuning-In Sessions: Find Your Mindful Lens

Part III:
The Breaking-Out Sessions: Find Your Global Lens

mentalligence

[ men-tell-a-jence ]

1.A new psychology of thinking model that teaches ways to launch UPward spirals through a process of unlearning and pivoting away from social conditioning and indoctrination that damage human progress.

2.A collection of reflective, mindful, universal, and imagineering lenses to overcome blind spots and primitive instincts that lead to ignorance, mindlessness, insularity, and stagnation.

Terry is the ultimate embodiment of mentalligencealways such an agile and mindful thinker who brings social impact and can connect with anyone, anywhere.

I thought how unpleasant it is to be
locked out; and I thought how it is worse,
perhaps, to be locked in.

Virginia Woolf

I
t was 10:10 a.m. and I was in full sprint mode, running down Boylston Street, the historic site of the Boston Marathon finish.

Not that it was official race dayjust my own variation: la pencil skirt, sneakers, beat-up tote bag brimming with long to-do lists, a now-too-heavy laptop Id wished Id left back at the office, and remnants of half-eaten Scooby snacks for those just-in-case but all - the-time moments when there wasnt time to stop for a proper meal.

I managed to blend in with my fellow harried travelers even as I broke into a massive sweat, while internally defaulting to a slew of self-criticisms for finding myself in yet another time pickle. My plan had been to arrive a little early. Today was important.

Between my poor sense of direction and chronic propensity to pack too much in, here I was on the verge of missing my first appointment and sending my system into complete anxiety overdrive once again. Plus, I had a meeting back at work at the top of the hour and hadnt told anyone I had left or where I was going.

Heart pounding, I finally made it to the office of Lyla, my new therapist.

So, youre here because you want to manage the pressures of your new job, right?

Right on cue, I was totally out of breath.

Even with all the efficiency and productivity strategies Id cobbled together, the eighty-hour workweek was putting me on the brink of adrenal overload.

I presented the sanitized story, for starters: the polished, carefully edited version to give her context so that she wouldnt think I was a total mess. The bullet points spilled out: Age thirty-eight. Fast growth trajectory. Seasoned human behavior expert. New faculty position. Two teenagers. Book about to be released. Chronically sick mom. Crazy travel schedule. My family, students, colleagues, and patients show lots of affinity. I love them, too. I handle it all pretty well... most days.

I wanted her to see my best side: that I was relatively smart and capable, that I had it together. Not that I was a lot like Dory from Finding Nemo forgetting everything else Id previously learned about not overloading my plate.

I downplayed my Dory moments and true anxiety levels. I was simply a seasoned behavioral health clinician practicing what I preach. My harried arrival into her therapy office signaled a proactive approach. Everyone should take advantage of the free EAP sessions, after all. I left out the footnotes about the constant knots in my stomach, middle-of-the-night panic jolts, endless time spent ruminating over everything, and the alienation and loneliness I often felt, even within my closest relationships.

Lyla didnt appear convinced that my workaholic ways were just for the love of the sport, or just because Im from Boston.

You seem to take a lot of pride in your work and family. But it seems youre stuck in constant overdrive....

It was only eleven minutes into the session.

It sounds to me like youre a bit of a perfectionist.

I instinctively nodded and smiled politely, as only a true seasoned perfectionist can.

Inside, I fumed. Did she miss how conscientious I am? How challenging working in a university was? How much my family and patients needed me? Isnt my session time up? Maybe this therapy thing was a huge mistake. I need some peanut butter cheesecake and wine, now! My impulse was to run, so I scrambled for clever rationalizations.

Luckily, she didnt budge. She masterfully connected the dots between my gluttony for work and the extreme performance obsession embedded in my fabric. She saw I was working myself to the bone. My perpetual yes was costing me a lot. My definitions of working hard and worthiness had collided.

The anxiety I was marinating in, she felt, was evidence of me living in extreme overcompensation mode to please everyone. She saw how much I relished my identity as someone who does it all, in true heroic fashion. Great, Im a superhero wannabe . Lyla knew that the ridiculous messages lambasting us at every turn were dumping gasoline on my fire.

Youve got to have the Kardashian ass. Be a goal-setting machine. Start your own nonprofit by the time youre twelve. Answer every ding within milliseconds. Parent like Jolie, joke like Schumer, shake like Shakira. Dont let anyone see you sweatunless its to show off the insanely hard hot yoga class you managed to sneak in between all the deadlines, meetings, and time spent triaging the latest disaster.

Theres even pressure to be Zen. Mindfulness has become the new kale. Were supposed to be fully present every minute of our dayfrom the boardroom to the bedroom, even when our brains have been violently sucked into the vortex of perpetual chaos. Were expected to meditate like the Buddha, eat our five almonds a day, swoop down, save the day, land on our feet like ninjas, have a good hair day, and pretend its all easy and normal, as if there are such things.