Michael Makai - Domination & Submission: The BDSM Relationship Handbook

By that, I mean dont just read thisbook. Please ponder it. Question it. Study it. Get madabout it. Laugh at it. Laugh with it. Use it. Abuseit. Talk about it. Recommend it. Criticize it. Burnit. Gift it. Pass it along to a friend. Do something with it.

This book is for those who may be either curiousabout the Domination/submission lifestyle, or find themselves suddenly a part ofit, and needful of information to fill the gaps in their knowledge andexperience. Though written from the admittedly highly subjectiveperspective of a male heterosexual Dominant with over thirty years of real-lifeexperience in D/s relationships, great pains have been taken to apply a modicumof objectivity to the endeavor.

Its probably important to state up-front that thereis, always has been, and always will be a great deal of controversy both in andoutside of the D/s lifestyle about many of the topics discussed in thisbook. Frankly, there is barely any consensus even on the question ofwhether Domination/submission constitutes a lifestyle at all. Opinionson that particular question range from the one extreme of classifying it as amental disorder and aberration, to the other of elevating it to the status of afaux religion or divine truth. The reality can be found somewhere in themushy middle, where this lifestyle is simply a choice between consenting adultson one of the most important aspects of any relationship dynamic. Were talking, of course, about the essential question: who is really incharge and what, exactly, does that mean?

Note the very specific wording. When we say reallyin charge, were acknowledging a dirty little secret about human relationshipsin general. Quite often perhaps more often than we care to admit theperson who thinks he or she is in charge, really isnt. Wewill discuss that and similar topics at length later in the book. Many ofthese questions will open a large can of worms that, frankly, many people wouldprefer to keep closed and tucked away somewhere cool and dark.

We will also be exploring in depth a question that Iconsider to be the core issue that is at the heart of the Domination/submissionlifestyle. That question is: Is D/s who you are, or is it somethingthat you do? If you have not yet asked yourself that question, andcome up with an acceptable answer, you may be getting just a little ahead ofyourself in your quest for knowledge about the lifestyle. For thepurposes of this book, we will treat Domination/submission as a mindset andrelationship dynamic; certainly an important aspect of who you are. As we explore further the mechanics of what one does in this lifestyle,we will attempt to consistently refer to that as BDSM, or Bondage DisciplineSadism and Masochism.

Why should it be important to make thedistinction? Consider the fact that most people who are D/s at their coredo not want to spend the rest of their lives with someone who considers it aSaturday night kink that can be discarded on a whim at some point in thefuture. Imagine the horror of a submissive who wakes up one morning todiscover that the Dominant she depends upon and worships as Lord and Master hassuddenly decided its his turn to be the submissive. Unfortunatelysuch things can, and do, happen with annoying regularity in thelifestyle.

I consider Domination/submission to be what happensin your head and heart. Its all about how you love, and how you expressthat love. BDSM is more about what physically happens between youand your partner or playmates. Its something you do. Isthere often a certain degree of overlap? Of course there is, all thetime. In fact, for most people, the more overlap the better. Butthere are also relationships where they can be completely separate, and somepeople happen to like it that way. The stereotypical 1950stelevision sitcom marriage that portrayed the husband as king of his castle,and his spouse as a stay-at-home submissive housewife who fretted about ringaround the collar is probably a good portrayal of how D/s can existwithout BDSM.

How do you know whether youre dominant orsubmissive at your core? The odds are actually pretty good that you are neitherand, frankly, theres absolutely nothing wrong with that. Thegreat majority of human beings that inhabit this planet comprise the 80% ormore who have an equitable mixture of both dominant and submissivetendencies. Perhaps 10% have inherently dominant personalities, andanother 10% submissive personalities. One should always be careful aboutassuming that a persons career choices or relationship dynamics reflect ordefine their core personality. Quite often, submissive people are thrustinto jobs and relationships that require them to function in a dominantrole. Thats not to say they find joy or fulfillment in it. Justbecause someone may be good at being dominant doesnt necessarily meanthey have to like it. The same sort of thing happens to dominantpeople who are required to function as subordinates at work or inrelationships.

Well discuss various ways to help a person todetermine their core D/s personality type elsewhere in this book. As ageneral rule of thumb, the mere fact that you may be uncertain and questioningabout your role probably places you in that not-so-rare category that I like tocall normal. Most people are perfectly comfortable assuming eitherrole, depending on the needs and appropriateness of the given situation. A hard-wired or true Dominant knows no other way to be, and is oftenprofoundly uncomfortable assuming the role of a submissive, under anycircumstances. Similarly, a hard-wired or true submissive wouldsooner cut off her right arm than have to take on a dominant role. Ifneither of those reactions sounds very familiar to you, then youre probablylike most people, meaning you fall somewhere between those twoextremes.

If BDSM is a growing sexual fascination for you, orsimply an opportunity for you and your partner to try something new andexciting, thats perfectly okay. You can learn a lot from thisbook, and adopting some BDSM interests and techniques can definitely be ahealthy and deliciously kinky way to spice up what otherwise might be a prettyroutine sex life. It is important, however, to know the differencebetween a kink and a lifestyle, and to be honest about that withyour potential partners.

The Domination/submission lifestyle, like any otherlifestyle choice, can be a complex yet rewarding way to live if you and yourpotential partner(s) are guided by similar values, follow familiar protocols,and share the same vision. Conversely, your experience with the lifestylecan end up being a train wreck if you fail to take inventory of your owncapacity to live in a D/s relationship, as well as your tolerance levels forthe great diversity of expression youll encounter from others in thislifestyle.

A Domination/submission relationship can be ascomforting as a warm blanket or as frightening as an unexpected encounter witha knife-wielding stranger in a dark alley. It can be uplifting andempowering, or it can be abusive and dangerous. It can bring great joyinto your life, or tremendous sadness. Ultimately, it will be whateveryou and your partner make of it. If you fail, it wont be because thereis something wrong with the lifestyle. It will be because you wereinadequately prepared to live it.