Christine Hoover - From Good to Grace: Letting Go of the Goodness Gospel

A S I PULLED JEANS in various sizes from the dryer, sorting and stacking them into three neat piles representative of each of my boys, I estimated how many times Id done this exact task in the previous twelve months. Perhaps 416 times? The number seemed low, quite honestly, because I felt in that moment as if Id spent my entire life reaching into the dryer for one more pair of pants with holes in the knees or one more pair of superhero underwear. And what did it say about me that the most exciting purchase of the year, a purchase I effused over to anyone who would listen for months afterward, was a large-capacity washer and dryer? By my gleeful estimation, that purchase had cut my time standing at the washer and dryer by at least half.

My laundry calculations led to more: the number of peanut butter and jelly sandwiches made, meals slaved over, noses wiped, toilets cleaned, grocery stores conquered, and birthday parties planned.

Final tally: a lot.

I had been busy in the past year, not just with our boys and their myriad of needs and activities but also with ministry activities outside our home. As a pastors wife, my opportunities had been plentiful for discipleship, counseling, leading, hosting, and planning, and Id happily taken advantage of each one.

Final tally: a lot, a lot.

In that moment, standing at the washer and dryer, I wasnt grumbling to myself, as if the gifts of family and ministry werent a blessing, or as if these opportunities were just tasks to me. I simply had a salient moment where I sat with the whole of my life in front of me and questioned if all those numbers and tasks and activities and relationships added up to my life counting for something. Was God using my life to impact others in meaningful ways?

What I really found myself asking was this: Am I a good Christian, wife, mom, and minister? Because thats what I want more than anything elsefor my life to mean something in the kingdom of God, to be good at these things.

But Im just making sandwiches.

Im just hosting one of our churchs small groups.

Im just writing blog posts as a means of trying to make sense of what God is teaching me.

Im just sewing a button on a shirt for my husband and saying a prayer for him as he stands to preach on Sunday mornings.

Im just listening to a friend pour out her heart and trying to say the words that will help.

I dont necessarily feel that Im making a huge dent in this world in the name of Jesus. I dont feel particularly good at anything, except maybe making to-do lists and getting overwhelmed at the number of demands on that list.

And although I dont feel particularly good at anything, I want desperately to be good at the things that matter most to me.

I want to be a good wife to a husband who is infinitely good to me. When he has a need, I want to meet it kindly and graciously. When we disagree, I want to respond with gentleness and patience. I want him to enjoy our marriage and be glad he chose me for life. Too often, however, Im indifferent, distracted, or offering him only my leftover energy and attention. I want to be a good wifebut what is a good wife, exactly, and how do I become one?

I also very much want to be a good mom. And if there is one thing I want to do well with my kids, its rearing them to know Gods voice and love his ways. But if there is one area I feel most inadequate in, its rearing my children to know Gods voice and love his ways, and every other little thing Im trying to teach them under this larger umbrella, whether its tying shoes or polite social interactions or how to share with one another.

I panic when I think of my children embarking into adulthood, typically because I imagine that theyll have to call me to come tie their shoes or theyll freeze to death because Im not there to remind them to wear pants and coats in the winter. Or theyll spend every waking minute in front of a video game console because Im not there to monitor their activities. Will they ever walk with the Lord? Will they become leaders in their homes and influencers in their communities? Will they love people well?