Gordon Emily V. - Super You Release Your Inner Superhero

Copyright 2015 Emily V. Gordon

Seal Press

A Member of the Perseus Books Group

1700 Fourth Street

Berkeley, California

sealpress.com

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form without written permission from the publisher, except by reviewers who may quote brief excerpts in connection with a review.

Some identifying details have been changed to protect the privacy of individuals.

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Gordon, Emily V.

Super you : release your inner superhero / Emily V. Gordon.

pages cm

Includes bibliographical references and index.

ISBN 978-1-58005-576-5

1. Self-actualization (Psychology) I. Title.

BF637.S4G6697 2015

158dc23

2015017391

10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1

Cover design by Faceout Studio, Jeff Miller

Interior design by Kate Basart/Union Pageworks

Printed in the United States of America

Distributed by Publishers Group West

This book is dedicated to youto all the people you have been, all the people you are now, and all the people you will be

Contents

M y own personal Bat Signal clicked on when I was in college. I was between identity crises, overweight, unsure of how to deal with any of my emotions, and generally unhappy with myself in myriad ways, plus I used words like myriad. I spent my time scaring the normals with my pink-and-black-striped hair whilst projecting an up-for-anything, cool-girl persona that I held on to tightly, to the exclusion of anything else. One night I was dragged to a Top 40 dance club by a couple of friends. I hated every minute of itno one was going to get me to dance like one of these brainwashed idiots. Dont get me wrongit wasnt that I dont like dancing; I love dancing. I had taken dance classes as a kid and adored how free it made me feel, and even now, in the midst of my self-loathing, I passionately flailed around my bedroom as if chased by bees, ignoring everything wrong with me, focusing on the beat from my tiny CD player. I just refused to show such passion in public, afraid that it would betray the badass exterior hiding my incredibly fragile interior, concerned that it would be off-brand. When wed first arrived at the club, one of my friends said, Ive had such a long week, I just really need to dance and de-stress. That simple statement cut deep. I too had had a long week, and I too would have really benefited from letting looseto whatever music was playing that night. But the life Id set up for myself didnt allow for dancing.

So I started thinking: Am I living the life I want to live if I cant even dance? Is this how I pictured my life when I was a little kid yearning for the awesomeness of being an adult? And if not, why not? Am I even allowed to live the life I want to live? Whose permission would I need to live it? What does off-brand mean anyway, and what is my brand?

To answer your question, no, I didnt dance that night. This is my life, not an inspirational sitcom moment; a sea change like that takes time. I didnt dance for years, but that tiny question in that admittedly lame nightclub clicked on a little light, far away and hard to see, that gave me something to squint at, off in the distance, and move toward. In short, it gave me a mission. My mission was to become a girl who had the confidence to dance in public. If I were Bruce Wayne, shed be my Batman. Shed be the version of me not so weighed down by my own stuff. Shed be a superhero, but only to me. I started slowly creeping toward that tiny mission as if it were my own personal Bat Signal.

The Bat Signal, by the way, is how residents of Gotham call Batman in times of extreme distress. The Bat Signal tells Batman hes needed, and serves to remind him to be... Batman. It also tells neer-do-wells theyd better run. My guess is that you came into this already knowing what a Bat Signal is. If you did, good for you, and if you didnt, now you know. I often use comic books, video games, or other nerdy pop-culture references in my writing; it helps me understand the more complicated parts of the world a little more easily since, culturally, its the ocean I swim in. For example, yesterday I compared committing to a romantic relationship to Harry Potters prophecy to kill Voldemort. Nerdy and pop-culturey analogies just make sense to me, but even if sci-fi, magical teenagers, and comic books arent your thing, I promise theres a lot in here that can resonate with you, hopefully helping you move in the direction of your choosing. The concepts and important stuff are easily accessible and plainly writtenthe superhero stuff is just the sugar on top. You wont even have to know Black Widows origin story.

I once worked as a therapist at a facility for young menteenage boys, reallyremoved from their homes for behavioral problems. We talked a lot about goals and expectations, but I always felt those terms were somewhat nebulous and therapisty. So one day I asked them to draw themselves as superheroes with tricked-out suits. I gave no other instructions. They loved this. Teenage boys cant resist drawing weapons that melt the faces of thine enemies. Once theyd finished, I threw on the therapeutic element: I asked them to identify every piece of equipment drawn on their suits, and to come up with the personal strength it represented. Shoulder laser guns became the ability to understand that others behavior isnt about them! Protective helmets became anger management skills!! As we talked about the kinds of equipment, I got to hear about coping skills theyd have never admitted to wanting otherwise. They really got into seeing themselves like thatnot as a list of qualities they should be, and are constantly failing at, but as slightly improved heroes armed with tangible equipment that helped them in emotional battles.

This happened way back when superhero movies were few and far between and starred actors like Christopher Reeve (Superman) and Michael Keaton (Batman), when superheroes were a novelty to most people. Since then, superhero films have filled the multiplexes, giving us a host of ripped gorgeous bodies and amazing CG (Computer Generated) villains to marvel overuniversally, we seem to be obsessed with caped crusaders with complicated backstories and noble callings. Over that same period I moved on from being a therapist to writing full-time, including writing a regular advice column. There I received questions from men and women who easily could have been me, with the same kinds of hopes and fears that Ive had, who struggled to figure out how the past fit into the present, who grappled with weaknesses just as I have, who just wanted to understand themselves. Ive spent many years, in therapy offices and on Tumblr, talking to all kinds of people about how they construct their identities and how they wish they could make improvements. The more conversations I have, the more I realize that the struggle to know, understand, and like oneself is truly universal. I also realize that some people believe self-esteem and emotional well-being are things we either have or dont have, rather than being things that are attainable, that we can work toward. Even worse, some of us believe that emotional well-being is a luxury, whereas I see it as a basic part of living. And though these struggles are universal, they can make us feel completely lonely, because we dont talk enough about this stuff. But theres no need to be lonely-were all here together.