Jakes - CRUSHING: god turns pressure into power

Only through experience of trial and suffering can the soul be strengthened, ambition inspired, and success achieved.

Helen Keller

D addy, I need to tell you something.

No father wants to hear those words from his teenage daughter in the trembling voice with which my youngest daughter, Sarah, spoke them to me and her mother. Sitting there on our front porch, my wife, Serita, and I locked eyes on our youngest child and held our breath in anticipation of the disclosure she was about to reveal. Time stood still as evening
unfurled its shadows across the shoulders of the Texas sky and a light breeze wafted the scent of honeysuckle. I knew my daughter was about to reveal something of enormous magnitude.

IIm pregnant!

The tears she had been fighting to hold back burst the dam of emotion as our baby girl leaned in to wrap her arms around us. As her sobs subsided, Sarah proceeded to share with us the events surrounding her condition, a secret she had been hiding for several months. The strength in her soul exceeded her thirteen years as she summoned every fiber in her being to reveal the fear, turmoil, and excitement coursing through her young heart. Stunned to say the least, I couldnt believe the courage it took for her to confide something so significant in us.

As Sarah cried in my arms, I felt the full weight of the pain and anguish she carried for those several months before she finally unburdened herself. As a parent, you are called to carry the loads of your children that are too heavy for them, and you even want to carry the lighter ones to ease their interactions with the world and everything life will throw at them. My daughters tears soaked through my shirt as I stroked her hair. Her crying transferred her worry and pain to me, and I felt the growing relief in her heart as she began to realize she wasnt alone.

Soon words were no longer necessary, and the three of us sat together, a chorus of cicadas the only sound. Tears flowed from my own eyes, and I found my mind wandering. The love and concern I will always have for my daughter were present in that moment as I absorbed the news that I would soon be a grandfather. Despite the bittersweet joy of such news, however, a stinging pain persisted deep in my shattered heart. For you see, only a few months prior, my mother had passed away as a result of Alzheimers.

One of the bedrocks of my life had just died, and I was still grieving her. Watching the mind of the woman who raised you, cheered you on, chastised you, and fed you vanish piece by piece is a torment I dont wish on anyone. Other than keeping her as comfortable as possible, there was nothing my brother, sister, or I could do. I felt powerless to help my mother retain even the simplest life skills, such as bathing and dressing, and eventually even swallowing.

The wound in my heart from my mothers passing was still raw as I listened to my daughters confession. I struggled to find a handle on the moment, let alone the past several months. As if my mothers death were not enough, the enemy of my soul seemed to be taunting me with the inability to shield my own daughter from the ways of the world. Once again, I felt crushed by circumstances I never saw coming.

I know it must sound self-centered, but at the time I couldnt ignore the battle within me as questions and accusations shot through my mind:

Youre a terrible father!

Where is your God now?

Youre a pastor shepherding others, but you cant even watch out for your own daughter?

You inspire and encourage so many people, but how are you going to do that now? You couldnt protect your mother, and look at you: failing to safeguard your own daughter!

Did Serita and I miss something? Havent we tried to be good parents? What should I have done differently?

Everything was falling apart.

Far More Fragile

I know Im not alone in these caustic contemplations. When the floor beneath you opens up and swallows you into a freefall, you find yourself suddenly submerged in a flood of emotions, thoughts, and questions. In the midst of unexpected pain or inevitable loss, these thoughts assail you as you sink into the emotional quicksand of lifes messy places, the muddy pits where everything you once held dear and true is questioned, dissected, and shaken to the core.