Lehu Pierre A. - Dr. Ruths guide for the Alzheimers caregiver: how to care for your loved one without getting overwhelmed and without doing it all by yourself

DR. RUTHS GUIDE FOR THE
ALZHEIMERS CAREGIVER

How to Care for Your Loved One without Getting Overwhelmed and without Doing It All Yourself

DR. RUTHS GUIDE FOR THE
ALZHEIMERS CAREGIVER

How to Care for Your Loved One without Getting Overwhelmed and without Doing It All Yourself

Dr. Ruth K. Westheimer

with Pierre A. Lehu

Fresno, California

Dr. Ruths Guide for the Alzheimers Caregiver

Copyright 2012 by Ruth K. Westheimer and Pierre A. Lehu.

All rights reserved.

Published by Quill Driver Books

An imprint of Linden Publishing

2006 South Mary Street, Fresno, California 93721

(559) 233-6633 / (800) 345-4447

QuillDriverBooks.com

cover image Peter MaszlenFotolia.com

cover design: Andrea C. Cooper

Quill Driver Books and Colophon are trademarks of

Linden Publishing, Inc.

ISBN 978-1-61035-136-2

135798642

Printed in the United States of America
on acid-free paper.

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data on file

This book is dedicated to the more than 15 million unpaid
caregivers of those with Alzheimers, who are coping
with a great burden, both physically and emotionally.

The truth of being human is gratitude, the secret of existence is appreciation, its significance is revealed in reciprocity.
Insecurity of Freedom, by Abraham Joshua Heschel,
Schocken Press, 1959

Dr. Ruth K. Westheimers acknowledgments:

To the memory of my entire family who perished during the Holocaust. To the memory of my late husband, Fred, who encouraged me in all my endeavors. To my current family, my daughter Miriam Westheimer, Ed.D., son-in-law Joel Einleger, M.B.A., their children Ari and Leora, my son Joel Westheimer, Ph.D., daughter-in-law Barbara Leckie, Ph.D., and their children Michal and Benjamin. I have the best grandchildren in the entire world!

Thanks to all the many family members and friends for adding so much to my life. Id need an entire chapter to list them all, but some must be mentioned here: Pierre Lehu and I have now collaborated on well over a dozen books, hes the best Minister of Communications I could have asked for! Cliff Rubin, my assistant, thanks! Mark Agronin, M.D., Dr. Peter & Naomi Banks, Peter Berger, M.D., Simon Bergson, Nate Berkus, David Best, M.D., Chuck Blazer, Frank Chervenak, M.D., Richard Cohen, M.D., Martin Englisher, Cynthia Fuchs Epstein, Ph.D., Howard Epstein, Meyer Glaser, David Goslin, Ph.D., Hartmut Grossman, Amos Grunebaum, M.D., Richard & Elaine Heffner, Polly & Herman Hochberg, David Hryck, Esq., Steve Kaplan, Ph.D., Rabbi Barry Dov & Shoshi Katz, Bonnie Kaye, Patti Kenner, Robert Krasner, M.D., Nathan Kravetz, Ph.D., Evelyn Kravetz, Marga & Bill Kunreuther, Dean Stephen Lassonde, Ph.D., Matthew & Vivan Lazar, Rabbi & Mrs. William Lebeau, Robin & Rosemary Leckie, Hope Jensen Leichter, Ph.D., Lou Lieberman, Ph.D., and Mary Cuadrado, Ph.D., Jeff & Nancy Jane Loew, John & Ginger Lollos, Sanford Lopater, Ph.D., & Susan Lopater, David Marwell, Peter Niculescu, Dale Ordes, Rabbi James & Elana Ponet, Leslie Rahl, Bob & Yvette Rose, Debra Jo Rupp, Larry & Camille Ruvo, Simeon & Rose Schreiber, Daniel Schwartz, Amir Shaviv, David Simon, M.D., Jerry Singerman, Ph.D., Betsy Sledge, William Sledge, M.D., Mark St. Germain, Henry and Sherri Stein, Jeff Tabak, Esq., Marilyn Tabak, Malcolm Thomson, William Turner, M.D., Greg Willenborg, and to all of the people who worked so hard to bring this book into print at Quill Driver Books, especially Steve Mettee, publisher Kent Sorsky, and Jaguar Bennett.

Pierre A. Lehus acknowledgments:

Thanks to my wife, Joanne Seminara, who not only provided her usual support, but on this book added her legal expertise; my son Peter, daughter-in-law Melissa Sullivan, and fantastic grandson, Jude Sullivan Lehu; my daughter Gabrielle and her future husband, Jim Frawley; my in-laws, Joe and Anita Seminara and the entire Seminara clan. And, of course, a great big thanks to Dr. Ruth. This is our 18th book together and, as she always reminds me, in the Jewish tradition 18 is a lucky numberso good luck to both of us.

Special Thanks to the Wonderful People at the Hebrew SeniorLife Dementia Research, Medical & Care Team Dinner:

Tara Fleming Caruso, MA, LMHC

Jane Givens, M.D., MSCE

Susan Kalish, M.D., MPH

Ruth Kandel, M.D.

Diana Miller, MSW, LICSW

Susan L. Mitchell M.D., MPH

Robert J. Schreiber M.D.

Sheila Trugman, M.D.

Anne M. Thomas

Mary Miller

L ife is always difficult when a loved one is sick, but its especially so if you are the primary caregiver. And it would be wrong to try to compare the difficulties of caring for someone with one disease to another. If you are under duress, then what you are going through is unique to you and, as far as you are concerned, what other people are going through has no bearing on your life. Yet, it must be acknowledged that the challenges facing caregivers who are dealing with Alzheimers disease are enormous. If you are responsible for taking care of someone with Alzheimers, especially in the advanced stages, you have quite a weight on your shoulders. The purpose of this book is to make carrying that weight a bit more tolerable.

Sadly, you are not alone. With almost six million people diagnosed with Alzheimers disease in the United States, there are an estimated fifteen million caregivers, a number that would equal the fifth-largest state in the nation. The caregivers Im speaking of are unpaid, meaning the vast majority of them are family members. According to statistics from the 2011 Alzheimers Disease Facts and Figures, caregivers provide seventeen billion hours of unpaid care a year, at a cost of over $183 billion. While caregivers bear most of the costmonetarily, emotionally, and in so many other waysthis is a burden that all of us need to share to some degree, because it can be just too much for the individual caregivers. So to do my part I wrote this book.

Its understandable that your first reaction to seeing this book might be, Dr. Ruth may be a world renowned expert on sex, but what does she know about taking care of someone with Alzheimers? Thats a legitimate question and so let me answer it. Thankfully, I have not had to deal with caring for a loved one with Alzheimers. But a number of friends who do share this burden have come to lean on me for advice. When they told me what they were experiencing, I started asking them questions, just as I do when people come to me with a problem about their sex life or their relationship, and I gave them guidance, which theyve told me over and over again that theyve found very useful. Im hopeful that what I learned in the process, together with my training in counseling, will help the caregivers who read this book.

My training is in behavioral therapy. I happened to specialize in the area of sex, but the concept of behavioral therapy is effective in many different aspects of life. A behavioral therapist doesnt concentrate on the underlying cause of a problem, like a psychiatrist or psychologist might do, but offers practical advice on what to do to overcome the problem at hand. And, lets face it: If you are taking care of someone with Alzheimers, you have your share of problems. So what I am going to do in this book is offer practical advice on how to cope with your particular burden. Im going to show you how to get help, even if you are reluctant about asking for it. Im going to offer you advice on how to work with your family, despite any fraying of relationships Alzheimers may have caused.