Mathews - The art of living alone and loving it: your inspirational toolkit for a whole and happy life

But now I feel that solitude, far from being the price, is turning out to be the prize.

ALIX KATES SHULMAN

Published in 2018 by Murdoch Books, an imprint of Allen & Unwin

Copyright Jane Mathews 2018

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording or by any information storage and retrieval system, without prior permission in writing from the publisher. The Australian Copyright Act 1968 (the Act) allows a maximum of one chapter or 10 per cent of this book, whichever is the greater, to be photocopied by any educational institution for its educational purposes provided that the educational institution (or body that administers it) has given a remuneration notice to the Copyright Agency (Australia) under the Act.

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A catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library.

ISBN 978 1 76052 361 9 Australia

ISBN 978 1 76063 612 8

Cover design by Lisa White

Text design by Lisa White and Fleur Anson

To my kindred band of soloists:

this book is for you.

Contents

I didnt choose to live alone. Few of us do. I fell into it post divorce not with an elegant swan dive but with a graceless belly flop. Like a dodgy blind date, I cant say Living Alone and I hit it off straight away. But now I have learned not only to appreciate it, but even prefer it, and I cant see myself ever relinquishing my solo path. I dont see it as a compromise, a holding pattern or a bump on the road towards the sunny heights of coupledom. I am happy, but it took a while to get here.

There are three groups of soloists: never married or partnered; divorced; and widowed. A few have deliberately chosen a solo life, but the reality is that most of us have had our hand played for us. It doesnt matter whether it was choice or chance. Whatever got us to this point, we all want the same thing: not just to make the most of it, but to lead a textured, fulfilling life with joy in it. A life brimming with opportunities and potential, lived in Technicolor, not black and white. With Dolby Surround Sound thrown in. A life in which I throw a pair of sixes more often than not, and can make my own memories. While researching this book, I spoke with many women who are living such lives. I came away deeply impressed and humbled. Their stories are quilted into the book. They swim in their independent waters like frolicsome otters, revelling in every twist and turn. I believe living alone well is a skill that isnt difficult, but requires some thought and effort. Like learning a language. In The Art of Living Alone I will share what has worked for me and for others.

Whether you view living alone as the ultimate compromise or the ultimate luxury, we all agree that it throws up daily challenges, such as cooking for one, organising a holiday, eating out alone, juggling finances, or trying not to succumb to the siren call of wine, Ugg boots and binge Netflix. And there are the less tangible tests, like nailing the octopus of loneliness to the wall, and holding your head high in a society where living alone is viewed (consciously or not) as synonymous with failure: the runner up prize.

If you are pretty happy with your lot and want a few tips to make living alone better, there are plenty in this book. If you are after more profound change, this book can also help. I believe that to be truly content living alone, it pays to scrutinise every aspect of your life, including your relationships, health, home, finances, interests and spirituality, and then take action. Theres a chapter dedicated to each of these topics. Some of the suggestions will resonate, others wont, and thats fine. Ill provide the map and you choose the route.

Ten things I learned from writing this book:

1. Some of the strongest, most capable, most sociable, most loving people in the world live alone.

2. You have to like yourself. Nothing else will work until you nail this one.

3. Living alone is a skill that requires effort, but you will find strength you never knew you had.

4. Reframe the issue. Focus on living your life to the full. You just happen to live by yourself.

5. Being alone does not equate to being lonely.

6. You, and only you, are responsible for your happiness. It lies in your hands (the safest place for it).

7. Being alone gives you the time and space to unearth who you are and who you want to be.

8. Most people lie about what they eat alone.

9. The world belongs to those who do.

10. Tops with buttons up the back are Satans triumph.

I feel a natural sense of camaraderie and empathy with other people who live by themselves. We are an amazing bunch, with so much to offer and so much going for us. I hope that youll find some inspiration and useful ideas in the pages of this book. Think of it as a conversation with a friend.

You live alone

therefore you are

lonely, sad, bitter, frustrated, loveless, miserable, isolated, envious, desperate, troubled, bored, boring, solitary, depressed, scared, selfish, vulnerable, excluded, overwhelmed, a spinster, divorcee or widow, an old maid, tragic, alienated, rejected, living a bleak life, demoralised, ashamed, unloved, frightened, strange, needy, inadequate, daunted, financially disadvantaged, diminished, belittled, desolate, odd, wretched, unfortunate, pitiful, pathetic, regrettable, friendless, companionless, defective, forlorn, empty, separate, ashamed, a loser, full of self-pity, invisible, unwanted, unassisted, neglected, unmissed, forsaken, abandoned, judged, lonesome, afraid, compromised, a failure, bereft, insecure, fearful, full of regret, anxious, self-absorbed and one hundred per cent likely to be a cat owner.