Williams - Free to Be: How I Went From Unhappily Married Conservative Bible Believer to Happily Divorced Atheistic Humanist in One Year and Several Complicated Steps

This is not a book about how to get out of religion or how to prove there is no God or how to become a humanist. Its about how I did. This book is a collection of my thoughts over the course of one year as my life has changed and my freedom has evolved, as I work my way out of religious bondage, as I decide there probably is no God and consider why humankind wants one (or two or three), as I explore my freedoms, my past, my future, my culture and my universe. See, I have a hard time sorting my life into neat little boxes; its a living thing, all its parts working together, entangled and dependent upon one another. My religion permeated every aspect of my life and therefore the removal of it has deeply affected and continues to affect every aspect of my life.

One year ago today you would have found me reclining on my bed, exactly where I am now with the same bright September sunshine spilling in my window, studying the Bible for the last time. I didnt know it was my last, never dreamed I would ever lay the book down and walk away from Yehovah God, couldnt have imagined how my life would change if I did. With my loved and worn New American Standard Bible and a Hebrew/English Tanach in my lap, and dozens of other translations available on the computer at my fingertips, I was merely digging for answers to my latest questions. For two months I had really been on a roll, finding answers to questions that had always nagged me, but each answer brought more questions. All my life answers had brought more questions.

As you read my writings it will help to keep in mind that I was not a nominal Christian. For fourteen years (my entire adult life, excluding my fringe-Christian upbringing) I had passionately explored the Bible, trusted it to be the living Word of God, sought always to know and understand God better. My days revolved around serving Yehovah and I was pleased to please him. The way I dressed, ate, spoke, treated others, viewed the world, taught my children and managed my days were directly related to what I felt God expected of me based upon reading the Bible, praying, and considering. I am not one of those who was raised in the name of Christ and just went to church until I grew bored with it. I cared about God, wanted to know him better, and when I felt frustrated with him I blamed myself and sought him harder. I didnt even get angry with God or lose faith when my infant nephew and toddler niece died in a house fire when I was teen; I just clung to him tighter, trusting that he had a plan. I was angry sometimes that he didnt seem interested in my prayers regarding my bad marriage, but mostly I blamed myself and clung ever tighter, trusting that it must be good for me somehow. No, the thing that destroyed my faith was the very thing many believers had warned me about: reason.

Im here to tell you that reason will destroy your faith. If you follow it. If you never settle for, There are things we can't understand. They said I should stop asking questions and stop trying to understand. That didnt make sense to me. (I was doomed from the start.) If God was what the Bible said he was, then wasnt he big enough to handle my inquiries? Wouldnt he honor my desire to know him better? I sincerely expected that I would know him better and better as time went on, that eventually the answers would come and I would know complete peace in my relationship with my creator. I never suspected that I would discover that my best friend was imaginary, the product of many people's wishful thinking.

Not only have I divorced God, but in the midst of this last year I have divorced my husband of nearly fourteen years, the father of my seven children. Read on; you will learn why and how. You will get a small peek at my day-to-day life on the farm, living simply and homeschooling my children. Im afraid you will also be exposed to a very sappy love story for in this time I met the love of my life and began a smashingly beautiful partnership with him.

Many of the words herein were recorded first in my journal. Many of them found a place on my various weblogs where I have shared most of my writing over the years to a surprisingly patient and varied audience. Some are pieces of conversations I've had over the last several months. Some of them are shiny and new, just for you. None of them are final. I am not the person I was a year ago and hopefully not the person I will be a year from now. My thoughts and opinions have evolved considerably from immediately post-Bible when I considered myself a deist (believing in a creator, just not the Bible God) to my present day atheistic humanism (you will find me commenting on my own writing a bit along the way. Look for notes from Humanist Me ).

When Mohandas Gandhi began to consider writing his autobiography, The Story of My Experiments With Truth , he was approached by a concerned friend. I have asked myself the same questions his friend asked him:

What will you write? Supposing you reject tomorrow the things you hold as principles today, or supposing you revise in the future your plans of today, is it not likely that the men who shape their conduct on the authority of your word, spoken or written, may be misled? Don't you think it would be better not to write anything like an autobiography, at any rate just yet?

Gandhi is rather known for his thoughtful responses. This one is no exception:

It is not my purpose to attempt a real autobiography. I simply want to tell the story of my numerous experiments with truth, and as my life consists of nothing but those experiments, it is true that the story will take the shape of an autobiography. But I shall not mind if every page of it speaks only of my experiments. I believe, or at any rate flatter myself with the belief, that a connected account of all these experiments will not be without benefit to the reader.

It is my hope that you, dear reader, will, at the very least, enjoy sharing this journey with me and, at most, be inspired to consider your own journey. Maybe, just maybe, you will find the reason and courage to embrace your own freedom.

Kaleesha Williams

September 22, 2013

Make-It-Do Farm on Tucker Creek

Fredericktown, Missouri

Free To Be