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Ortmann David M. - Sexual outsiders: understanding BDSM sexualities and communities

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Ortmann David M. Sexual outsiders: understanding BDSM sexualities and communities
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Foreword -- Preface -- Introduction -- The power of language -- The curious novice -- Coming out -- Stories of personal growth and healing -- When things go wrong -- Power is hot -- Getting assistance -- Walking on the outside -- Bibliography.;Sexual Outsiders: Understanding BDSM Sexualities and Communities delves into the unique experiences of individuals in BDSM communities. While misunderstandings surrounding these communities prevail, BDSM sexuality cuts across race, gender, nationality, and sexual orientation. BDSM describes forms of sexuality that incorporate restraint, pressure, sensation, training, and elements of both erotic and non-erotic power exchange between the engaged parties. Some BDSM scenes include role-playing, spanking, blindfolds, ropes, and erotic costuming. Sexual Outsiders is designed as a guide for BDSM community members who must wade through the quagmire of unique problems they face: coming out to family, friends and partners; distinguishing abusive relationships from healthy consensual ones; finding and developing community; overcoming shame and denial; exploring whether BDSM sexuality can be a healing tool; gaining access to quality, culturally competent psychotherapy; and finding strategies to develop a healthy sexual self-esteem in the face of current medical and social standards that view them as sick or pathological. The book also serves as an educational primer for those whose partners, friends, and family members are involved in BDSM. In terms of challenges faced by BDSM communities, the most significant is living with a stigmatized sexuality shame, prejudice, discrimination, isolation, depression, and a lack of adequate, competent mental health care. Issues such as coming out as a sexual minority, finding community and partners, and dealing with scenes and relationships that go wrong are some the common experiences shared by members of BDSM communities. Sexual Outsiders employs common sense, good humor, and vivid anecdotes while incorporating basic ideas about human behavior, psychology, philosophy, interviews, history, and clinical case studies to illustrate the real lives and experiences of men and women in BDSM communities. Anyone wanting to learn more about this unique, and more-common-than-you-think expression of sexuality, will find in these pages insight into the various challenges BDSM practitioners face, and the many strengths that people in the BDSM communities have developed in the face of social stigma and prejudice. David M. Ortmann, LCSW, is a psychotherapist, sex therapist and author in private practice. Richard Sprott, Ph.D., is a research psychologist in developmental science and lecturer in the Department of Human Development and Womens Studies at California State University, East Bay. Publishers note.

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Sexual Outsiders

Praise for Sexual Outsiders

Written by a psychotherapist who specializes in kink-friendly sex therapy and a research psychologist, this book offers a nonjudgmental glimpse into the world of BDSM (Bondage/Discipline, Dominance/submission, Sadism/Masochism). In a supportive tone, David M. Ortmann and Richard A. Sprott discuss the way society misunderstands a potentially healthy set of sexual behaviors, employing largely Jungian analysis to explain the appeal of kinky play and including a generous selection of fascinating case studies drawn from Ortmanns private practice. The book provides encouragement for people who feel marginalized by their sexual preferences (and includes a guide to finding a sex therapist). The authors definitively dismiss popular claims that BDSM practitioners are mentally unwell or that their behaviors result from abusive childhoods. Instead, they describe the eroticism of power, the playacting of shame, and even show how this kind of play can serve as its own form of therapy. Ortmann and Sprott highlight the difference between the appearance of a behavior and its psychological meaning and impact. The heart of the work is the individual stories of Ortmanns clients, chief among them the moving stories of BDSM practitioners coming out as kinky to the people in their lives. Publishers Weekly


This is the book I needed fifteen years ago when I started stumbling my way through treating the Kink community. Its answered all my questions. It should be mandatory reading for all ethical clinicians who should know something about treating alternative sexualities by now. The clinical community needs to stop retraumatizing, marginalizing, pathologizing, and trying to fix the people who come to them for help. Either they need to learn the skills taught in this book or refer sexual outsiders out to someone educated, trained, and willing to give these individuals the treatment they need and deserve. This book is for anyone who practices BDSM, treats patients struggling with related issues, and for anyone interested in further understanding this lifestyle and its community. Dorothy Hayden, LCSW, Manhattan Center for Sex Addiction Therapy, Kink Aware psychotherapist, speaker, and author


In Sexual Outsiders, authors David M. Ortmann and Richard A. Sprott perfectly complement each other writing about research, theory, and therapeutic practice with clients who are sexual adventurers. In an excellent and thoughtful deconstruction of the mainstream sexual culture, they explore the question of How did we get here? and, further, How can we get somewhere better? They propose the acceptance and honoring of the rich complexities of sexual diversity as a path for escaping the imposed shame that can constrict our lives, as they offer a wonderful guidebook to outsider sex and understanding power as an erotic resource. Read and learn from these warriors for sexual freedom as they show us how to explore our precious inner wilderness. Dossie Easton, licensed marriage and family therapist; coauthor, Radical Ecstasy: SM Journeys to Transcendence and The Ethical Slut


David Ortmann and Richard Sprott are pioneers in developing this roadmap for kink-affirmative psychotherapy. People in the BDSM community, or those practicing in secrecy, will read this book, especially the moving personal stories, and feel like they are in a support group. Professionals will have their mindsand knowledge baseopened and expanded. Sexual Outsiders breaks new ground. Margie Nichols, PhD, executive director of Institute for Personal Growth Psychotherapy for the LGBT and Alternative Sexuality Communities


As a sex therapist who specializes in sexual minority practices, I have read virtually every book written on BDSM in the past thirty years. Sexual Outsiders is truly one of a kind. The way the authors have woven in Richard Sprotts background in science with David Ortmanns clinical practice made for a very compelling read. The case studies were brilliant and kept me turning the pages in anticipation of how each story would turn out. This book is a wonderful contribution to our field. Neil Cannon, PhD, certified sex therapist and couples counselor, Denver, CO


Sexual Outsiders

Understanding BDSM Sexualities
and Communities

David M. Ortmann and
Richard A. Sprott


ROWMAN & LITTLEFIELD PUBLISHERS, INC.

Lanham Boulder New York Toronto Plymouth, UK

Published by Rowman & Littlefield Publishers, Inc.

A wholly owned subsidiary of The Rowman & Littlefield Publishing Group, Inc.

4501 Forbes Boulevard, Suite 200, Lanham, Maryland 20706

www.rowman.com


10 Thornbury Road, Plymouth PL6 7PP, United Kingdom


Copyright 2013 by Rowman & Littlefield Publishers, Inc.


All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced in any form or by any electronic or mechanical means, including information storage and retrieval systems, without written permission from the publisher, except by a reviewer who may quote passages in a review.


British Library Cataloguing in Publication Information Available


Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data


Ortmann, David M., 1969

Sexual outsiders : understanding BDSM sexualities and communities / David M. Ortmann and Richard A. Sprott.

p. cm.

Includes bibliographical references and index.

ISBN 978-1-4422-1735-5 (cloth : alk. paper)ISBN 978-1-4422-1737-9 (electronic)

1. Sadomasochism. 2. Sex (Psychology) 3. Identity (Psychology) I. Sprott, Richard A., 1965 II. Title.

HQ79.O78 2013

306.77'5dc23

2012020483


Picture 1 The paper used in this publication meets the minimum requirements of American National Standard for Information Sciences Permanence of Paper for Printed Library Materials, ANSI/NISO Z39.48-1992.


Printed in the United States of America

Stay gold, Ponyboy.


S. E. Hinton

The Outsiders


Foreword

Dear Mr. Ortmann,

Its taken me three weeks to write this e-mail and another week to get up the guts to send it.

I guess I need your help.

I have thoughts and ideas I dont understand. I cant say theyve come out of nowhere. I guess theyve always been therekind of lurking in the background, but I was always able to keep them there and just be a normal kind of guy. Im straight, but I guess whats happening is like what my gay buddies talk aboutyou know the desires are there, you know deep down who and what you are, but the shame is so great that you go about living a normal life, a Lie Life, and things seem just finemost of the time. But you get these momentary flashes of deep desire, like nothing elsethat make you feel the bottom has dropped out of your stomach. Then your heart is racing, your mouth is dry, and you feel like you did right before you had your first orgasm. The world feels scary, dark, exciting, and I feel like Im a confused eleven-year-old all over again except more so because Im thirty-two.

Ive been normal, maybe have tried so hard to be normal, but I see things sometimes that remind me of what I really wantwhat really turns me onand that stomach-dropping thing happens again. Then I know its all as real as I ambecause Im so scared of it.

The sexual fantasies I have arent normal, but I cant bring myself to write them down (Ive been trying for those three weeks I mentioned above). I can only say that they disturb me so deeply. I cant imagine what my girlfriend, family, or friends would say if they knew. Its worse than being gay. Not that theres anything wrong with being gay. Thats not what I mean. I guess what I mean is that it feels worse than any coming-out process my gay friends have ever talked about. At least they had other gay friends. Im alone.

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