Peart - The Conversation Code: How to Upgrade Your Social Skills and Your Life

THE CONVERSATION CODE

HOW TO UPGRADE YOUR SOCIAL SKILLS AND YOUR LIFE

GEOFFREY GREGORY PEART, M.ED.

AURELIUS BOOKS

Copyright 2016 by Geoffrey Peart

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, distributed or transmitted in any form or by any means, including photocopying, recording, or other electronic or mechanical methods, without the prior written permission of the publisher, except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical reviews and certain other noncommercial uses permitted by copyright law. For permission requests, write to the publisher, at the address or email below.

Aurelius Books

P.O. Box 5171

Brighton, MI 48116

Book Cover Design and Layout 2016 Geoffrey Peart

Book Illustrations 2016 Geoffrey Peart

The conversation code: how to upgrade your social skills and your life/Geoffrey Gregory Peart1st ed.

ISBN 978-0-9898904-0-3

To my Dad, who inspires me to dream.

To my Mom, who inspires me to create.

To my Wife, who inspires me to persist.

To my Sons, who inspire me to play.

And to every friend I met along the way.

Without the herculean efforts of my editing team, this book would not exist in its current form. A giant thanks to Maureen Linnell, Katherine Hempel, and Patricia Banker. They miraculously helped turned a giant collection of notes into the readable document you see before you. Also, a special thanks to Isaac Attia for encouraging me from the beginning. Thank you to everyone else who provided any feedback throughout the entire process.

CONTENTS

PREFACE

Hi, how have you been?

So, remember that indoor childrens play center I was telling you about? Well, normally, we only venture there to escape the house and help my son release his inner chimpanzee. But this last time was different. Out of nowhere, five-year-old Kaerigan asked me how he could make more friends. I wasnt sure what to say at first. But then the teacher in me decided that he was ready to learn his first major social skill: initiating.

Right away, we encountered a little girl about his age. And as usual, Kaerigan stood silently in place, as if his internal operating system lacked a program for social interactions. She, too, stood motionless.

She waited. Kaerigan waited. They were stuck playing a game of Shy Chicken.

I couldnt take it any longer. I bent down and whispered into Kaerigans ear, Say Hi. He did. She did too. Then I advised, Ask her what her name is. He asked, and she in turn responded, Kate. Then I whispered, Tell her your name now. Then, Ask how old she is. She responded with her age. I felt like a modern day Cyrano De Bergerac for kids (see Steve Martins character in Roxanne its a classic!).

And then it happened. I blinked, and they were gone. They ran off together and disappeared into the distant recesses of the climbing structure. My son had spoken just a few words and Presto! he had a new friend. I was able to relax with my medium-roast coffee and watch my son and his new BFF play for the next hour.

Kaerigan left the play center that day not only with new social confidence, but with the knowledge that he possesses control over his social destiny. That one tiny realization is the key to a better social future. I was proud. I felt like I actually deserved my Worlds Greatest Dad coffee mug he bought me last Christmas.

Did I mention that my son was recently diagnosed as being somewhere on the autism spectrum? Although he is extremely bright and enjoys people and new experiences, Im predicting we will have many more learning opportunities like the one we had that day.

This book began as a sort of manifesto to a younger version of myself. However, as the process of writing this book and the process of raising my son intermingled, I have come to realize that I have been writing it just as much for my son as well as for people like me.

Unlike many communication experts, I know firsthand what it means to be truly shy and fearful of social experiences. At age 15, my best social skill was my ability to laugh on command at others witty (and sometimes non-witty) comments. I always felt like an extra in the movie of life. I only felt socially comfortable with my closest friends. But unlike my son, I am not on any autistic spectrum. I dont really have an excuse. I just sucked at conversation. And telling stories. Or cracking jokes. I realized early on that I was programmed to be a shy introvert and my brain was not wired for exceptional communication.

It sounds absurd to think about now, but I couldnt even call and order pizza or go down to the drugstore without feeling anxiety about the impending social interaction. On one occasion, while sitting at a table in my high school art class, a girl next to me advised that I should try to find a personality. I took her advice to heart, but where does someone find a personality? I didnt see any available on Amazon.com.

I started to realize that if I wanted to accomplish my goals, knowing how to converse effectively with others would likely be a prerequisite. This concept really hit home when I was dating a girl in college. My close friend at the time started dating her behind my back. He was an exceptional conversationalist. He was quick with a joke or to light up your smoke (or however that Billy Joel song goes). He was a deft storyteller. I didnt stand a chance. I was heart-broken. Sucker punched. I became painfully aware of how important conversation skills would be if I wanted any happiness in my life.

I decided to do something about it.

I scoured the libraries, bookstores, and academic journals. I read over 100 social skills books. Sadly, I never found the help I was seeking. I never found a book that helped me discover the secrets of great conversation. Too many authors were content offering generic opinions like, People like jokes just say something funny! I needed a book that actually outlined steps for how to be interesting or how to initiate a conversation. I needed step-by-step, real-life, examples.

I eventually realized that I was looking for a book that didnt exist. Until now. I knew I was not the only one who felt trapped in a social cage (or worse: bullied, depressed, or abused). In fact, nearly 40% of the population considers themselves shy to some degree. I devoted the next 15 years to breaking out of the shyness cage and recording my research.

The content found in these pages helped me pursue my goals fearlessly. I went from shy guy to business manager, to star salesman, to landing the job of my dreams. I met my beautiful wife by approaching her at a 70s disco bar. I no longer fear confronting any social situation.

Today, instead of fearing interactions, I actually look forward to them.

When my son is old enough, I hope this book is on his bookshelf (or maybe on his Kindle 23?). I hope it provides him a roadmap for taking his conversational skills to the next level and the confidence to go after his ideal life. Sorry, I was blabbering about my son so much that I almost forgot: I hope this book helps you too.

INTRODUCTION

Think about the last conversation you had. Did you briefly chat with your spouse about dinner plans? Did you recommend a great movie to a friend? Did you make small talk about the weather with a stranger? Did you make someone laugh?

What made you choose those words? Why did you respond a certain way? Could you have been funnier? Could you have told a better story? Did you regret not saying more, or less?

Now think about the last time someone made