Vladimir Zhelvis - Xenophobes Guide to the Russians

Russia occupies a huge territory which is densely populated on the Moscow side of the Urals and hardly at all in its Eastern part which takes up some two thirds of the whole, and includes Siberia.

To speak of the population of Russia as Russians ruffles the sensibilities of the nations numerous non-Russians.

This is a multi-national state in which Russians form an overwhelming majority. It takes time for foreigners to realize that the word Russians refers only to part of the Russian Federation. To speak of the population of Russia as Russians ruffles the sensibilities of the nations numerous non-Russians Ukranians, Bashkirs, Kalmyks, Karelians hundreds of peoples, many of whom live in autonomous republics with local governments of their own. The misunderstanding is aggravated by the necessity to differentiate between an ethnic Russian and a Russian citizen of a different nationality but whose native land is Russia.

New Russian postage stamps have Rossija on them instead of Russia. If the name stays, then, if you are an ethnic Russian, you will be called Russian. If you are one of the hundreds of national minorities, you will be called a Rossijanin, a citizen of Russia. This is sure to make the life of the minorities a lot easier, since they wont have to explain to foreigners that they are native Russians, but not ethnic Russians, etc., though some will say that such explanations only make the point more muddled than it was before.

Youre squalid and youre abundant, youre mighty and youre powerless, Mother Russia! said Nekrasov, the 19th-century Russian poet. Every nations character is full of contradictory and mutually excluding traits, but Russias takes a lot of beating. Unlike nave Westerners, Russians are convinced that life is like a zebra: a white stripe is inevitably followed by a black one. Not only does every cloud have a silver lining, but every silver lining must have its cloud. Thus, when things are fine they are absolutely certain this will not be for long and that matters are bound to change for the worse. Similarly, if youve found yourself in a hole, you know that sooner or later you will get out of it.

Russians are convinced that life is like a zebra: a white stripe is inevitably followed by a black one.

From such a philosophy there follows an important corollary. There is no need to waste your time trying to crawl out of the hole if youre destined to stay there for a while. You only need to sit tight and wait for the wind to change and everything will gradually get back to normal. You just cant escape from fate.

Russians are patriots but their patriotism is of a particular kind. What is mine or ours is private and personal, associated with home and native land, while government at any level is them, the eternal opponent , who should be feared and avoided. The Government by definition cannot be any good. Nor does anyone expect it to be. There have been many rainy days, but each time they were followed by sunshine. Werent they? Still, rain or shine, Russians, on the whole, are not inclined to change their land for a more affluent one. As is often said: Over there across the sea it might be a lot of fun, but its somebody elses fun. Here at home we might have grief, but its all ours.

Rain or shine, Rusians are not inclined to change their land for a more affluent one.

This is the Russians, strange and nave, enigmatic and simplistic. Sometimes one wonders how they can survive in such a combination of joy and sorrow.

Ask Russians how they see themselves and their answer will reflect the mood they are in. And since for 23 hours a day they feel blue, the answer will probably be that they are the unluckiest and unhappiest nation possible, that things were much better in Communist times, that they were even better under the Czars, and absolutely marvellous in the days of the Vikings. After this, they will fall upon your chest and wash it with sweet tears. Yet, in a happier mood, they will probably say that they are the kindest, most hospitable and friendliest nation the world has ever seen, that without Russia the world will go to pieces. My Russia is so special! every Russian will tell you in a low voice trembling with emotion. Certainly its special. Very special. In fact, half this specialness would be quite enough.

The double-headed eagle has its heads turned in opposite directions, one to the West, the other to the East, and for good reason.

Well, naturally, the whole world knows that Russia is The Third Rome, the Saviour of longThe Russians love all humanity, with only one sad exception, their neighbours.-suffering Mankind, in short, a Messiah. The Russian coat- of-arms , the double-headed eagle, has its heads turned in opposite directions, one to the West, the other to the East, and for good reason. Russia is destined to mediate between the two, being neither a Western nor an Oriental country. Sitting between two stools is not a very convenient position for a justice of the peace, but you have to do your bit. The fact that East is East and West is West, and neither seems to be an ardent disciple of Russia, does not trouble the populace in the least. Their time will come.

Meanwhile Russians glumly suspect that Westerners see them as long-bearded muzhiks in big fur caps driving troikas (sleighs drawn by three horses abreast) down the frozen Volga. There might even be a couple of nuclear rockets in those sleighs, as well as a bottle of vodka. (Between ourselves, there are two bottles, but thats really neither here nor there.)

The Russians love all humanity, with only one sad exception, their neighbours.

The Russians love all humanity, with only one sad exception, their neighbours. They see their neighbours as treacherous, mean, stingy and vile. They believe their neighbours prosperity is due to merciless exploitation of the Russians, their wits and natural resources. Were it not for the neighbours, Russia would now have been the envy of the Americans.

Americans were the No. 1 enemy under the Communists, and this is why today they are looked upon with suspicion, admiration and green-eyed envy. Everybody knows that all Americans are incredibly rich, that even the poor demand alms from the windows of their Mercedes. If only it were possible to work like Russians and to live like Americans.

The British are not too bad a people: they are relatives of the Czars and, like Russians, are very fond of tea.

The other Westerners live in luxury and look down on the rest of the world, but with minor differences. The British are so amusing with their centuries-old traditions and silly sense of humour which nobody but themselves can understand. They are not too bad a people: they are relatives of the Czars and, like Russians, are very fond of tea. They have one author, Shakespeare. The French are all lovers, not one of them being true to his wife. Their author is Dumas, creator of The Three Musketeers. The Germans are seen as serious, studious, dull and hard-working. They read Schiller and quote Goethe. The last war with Germany is still looked upon with horror, but it was fought with other Germans, not todays lot. The Italians live in museums, eat pasta, drink Chianti and sing Neapolitan songs very merry people. They have no authors, only lots of painters, sculptors and singers. Leonardo da Vinci and Pavarotti are the best.