Turner - The disconnected man: breaking down walls and restoring intimacy with him

I suspect you know. As soon as you heard the title, it probably rang a bell for you, or sparked a memory, or touched that part of you that has always sought a definitiona definition for the man who leaves your mind in a conundrum when you try to figure out why he is the way he is.

Our culture might define him as the strong, silent type or the lone wolf. Thats not really accurate. To an outside observer, those terms might seem to fit well, but they lack depth; they dont pursue the man beyond his surface persona. You might have been tempted to define him this way yourself. But somewhere deep inside, you realized that those phrases just dont work. Something keeps nagging you to find a better definition or explanation for him. Your heart wont let your mind pigeonhole him that easily.

You know that the word disconnected fits him, but you may not know all the reasons why. Try using the word with someone else who knows him well. I do this often when I talk to people about this man.

When you use the word disconnected in reference to this man in your lifeespecially if the person youre talking to knows him as well, something remarkable happens. Your friend or family member will react. That reaction and the observations that follow will tell you if youve hit the mark. Ive found time after time that those who know a man like this find that disconnected works to describe him. Theres no better word. Your conversation will reveal why this word fits so well.

Nearly everyone I meet knows a man they can apply the word disconnected to. They have observed him, tried to get to know him, perhaps been hurt by him, and have an opinion about what makes him that way. Many of the opinions you will hear others express about this man are insightful, but they rarely get to the core.

One of the reasons you will still be left grasping for answers is because the best person to define what disconnected means is the disconnected man himself. Problem is, hes not saying anything.

One of the foundational traits of the disconnected man is that he usually doesnt know hes disconnected. He wouldnt even think to give you a description. He is unaware that you are even searching for one. I suppose thats where I come in. Im a formerly disconnected, now struggling-to-be-connected, man. Like your man, I didnt have a clue that I was disconnected. Having been there before, and now being able to look back, gives me a window into his soul you might not have. I can tell you a few of his secrets.

Before I do, though, lets continue to consider: Who is this disconnected man? The man youre thinking of is probably a fairly happy guy, competent in tasks he takes on, relatively unemotional, usually enjoyable to be around, capable of carrying heavy loads of responsibility. But hes very difficult to get to know more deeply. If he is your friend, the friendship is most likely superficial. You get a certain sense around him. Your heart whispers questions such as, Am I important to him? Does he know how I feel? Why cant I seem to keep his attention? and many more. The nature of a disconnected man often leaves you wondering, Am I the problem?

The answer isprobably not. If you recognize these as observations youve made about the man you know, if these words resonate with you, if your heart and mind detect some truth here, then you are probably not the cause of the problem. In addition, you are probably not the only one to suspect that theres something different about this man. Knowing that you are not the problem may not help you resolve the riddle, but I hope it helps you rest a bit more easy about your relationship with him.

In fact, not only are you not the problem, but you are also probably very important to your disconnected manmaybe more important than anyone else has ever been. If that surprises you or sounds unbelievable, please dont dismiss the statement as impossible. It may very well be the truest truth youll ever be surprised by.

One of the most difficult barriers to believing that you are important to your disconnected man is that you dont see it or feel it from him. He has a way of looking through you. When you look in his eyes, you dont see yourself. Its sort of blank in there. Theres no swirl of emotion, no tide of understanding, no link with your heart, and no tangible reaction to your outreach. Its discouraging, perhaps devastating, to experience this complete lack of connection. But did you know that he doesnt know that you feel disconnected? Did you know that he thinks hes connecting? He would actually be surprised and a bit confused if he could see your frustration. I mean, if he could see your real frustration. He thinks your frustration is about something completely unrelated to whats actually bothering you.

So what is really happening here?

Picture an impenetrable wall: tall, shiny, black, with no door. In front of it is a happy-go-lucky, easygoing mind. This is your disconnected mans normal, outward appearance. The mind in front of the wall is where he lives 98 percent of the time. Its a state of blissful blindness. But behind the wall is a place that is very real but seldom visited, housing a storm of thoughts and feelings. Theres a rich world of meaning and a fragile emotional stability just beyond that blank surface. You see it when he attempts to explain the way he feels. He stumbles and becomes frustrated because the meaning is there but he doesnt have the emotional language to communicate it. You get a glimpse when he breaks down into uncontrollable emotion, perhaps over something you dont feel is extremely emotionala movie scene, a story, a moment of closeness. Its very difficult for him when that wall is breached even a little. He finds himself awash in confusion and embarrassment when something touches that sensitive place behind the wall. Youve probably suspected it was there but didnt know you were seeing it.