Victory - No Filter

Copyright 2017 Grace Victory

The right of Grace Victory to be identified as the Author of the Work has been asserted by her in accordance with the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988.

Apart from any use permitted under UK copyright law, this publication may only be reproduced, stored, or transmitted, in any form, or by any means, with prior permission in writing of the publishers or, in the case of reprographic production, in accordance with the terms of licences issued by the Copyright Licensing Agency.

Every effort has been made to fulfil requirements with regard to reproducing copyright material. The author and publisher will be glad to rectify any omissions at the earliest opportunity.

First published in Great Britain in 2017 by Headline Publishing Group

First published as an Ebook in Great Britain

by Headline Publishing Group in 2017

Cataloguing in Publication Data is available from the British Library

eISBN: 978 1 4722 4770 4

While everything in this book is true some names have been changed.

The information contained in this book is not intended to replace the services of trained medical professionals or to be a substitute for medical advice. You are advised to consult a doctor on any matters relating to your health, and in particular on any matters that may require diagnosis or medical attention.

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Author image Grace Victory

Hailed as the Internets Big Sister, Grace Victory is an award-winning blogger and YouTuber with over 23 million total views to date. Grace is a BBC documentary presenter and Summer 2016 saw her debut the hit documentary Clean Eatings Dirty Secrets. Additionally she is a dedicated body image campaigner, has exclusively presented London Fashion Week and has worked with brands including LOreal, Clinique, ASOS and New Look, to name but a few.

From struggling with an eating disorder and body image issues to flashing Harry Potter (yes, that really did happen), Grace Victory has experience it all.

Here, in No Filter, Grace shares her inspirational story of growing up in a troubled household, battling with depression and finally overcoming it all by learning to love herself just as she is. After years of self-loathing and self-destructive behaviour, she hit an all-time low at the start of her twenties but thanks to therapy, good friends and an award-winning blog, she has rebuilt herself to become a TV presenter and an inspirational role model for young people. Thanks to her bravery, instinctive honesty and ability to break down taboos, Grace is now able to speak openly about her personal battles and she regularly offers guidance to her legion of fans.

Brimming with hilarious anecdote and no-nonsense advice, the Internets Big Sister tells you everything you need to know about accepting yourself and fighting back, in style.

For any woman who needs a reason NOT to give up. This is it.

I want to die.

I stared at the words I had scratched into the grey school desk moments before. The scraggy, erratic letters stared back at me. Not a question, but a statement. Being alive was hurting too much and I wasnt sure I could take much more of it.

Picking up the compass again, I looked round to check no one else in my maths class was watching me. I was at the back, and could see a studious few people paying attention at the front, but everyone else was involved in their own distractions, or doing their make-up, causing chaos for the poor teacher.

I scratched deep into the grey surface again: I hate myself.

The words repeated themselves inside my brain, over and over. Sadly it was true and it was one of the reasons for the tight, knotted ball that had become a permanent feature in the pit of my stomach over the last three years.

I was twelve years old, and on the surface life looked like it was pretty good for me. I was doing OK at school, had friends, a mum who loved me, and I got to spend lots of time on my favourite hobbies dancing and acting. In fact, that side of my life was going so well for me I had even starred in a few TV shows and films, incredibly even managing to get a role in Harry Potter. I should have been over the moon.

But it didnt change things. On a daily basis, I hated myself and my life. I was scared, anxious, cried all the time, and didnt like how I looked or how I felt. I was fat, wore glasses, and I didnt feel like I fitted in or did anything right. If I needed proof of it, I got it when I spent a year being tormented at the hands of the school bullies. Most importantly, I thought I was never good enough for myself, or anyone else.

I knew that being an adolescent was supposed to be filled with all sorts of trauma (thanks, hormones!), but this felt like more, it felt deeper, darker. Worse than anything, I really, really hated myself.

Looking back at that scene now breaks my heart. I want to go in there, scoop that girl up, and tell her all the things I know now that might have got her through it and made things easier. I know now that I was dealing with mental health problems back then and was depressed, that I was suffering from the effects of a fucked-up childhood, a dad who was either absent or violent, body image issues and an eating disorder, just to mention a few of my problems.

But I didnt know it at the time, and instead I still had another nine years of self-loathing and self-destructive behaviour to get through before life hit its lowest point and I began to turn things around and move away from those dark places.

Therapy, good friends and retraining my way of thinking were key to the journey of self-discovery that followed. I learnt about myself, about the pressures that had been put on me by society as well as the impact my childhood, family and friends had on me.

Each time I learnt a little something more about myself, or gained a new coping mechanism, I would see it as a one brick added to building myself up. Over time, I have slowly taken all those bricks and turned them into walls, beginning to build my self-belief, self-esteem and understanding of my value. Along the way some of those walls were practically annihilated when the dark times crept back in and I felt like I was almost back to square one. But I had seen that it was possible to work my way through it, so each time I have picked myself up, dusted myself down, and said to myself, Come on, Grace, you can do this. You are better than that.

At the same time I was learning how much of self-discovery comes from sharing experiences, ideas and emotions with other people. I began a job when I was twenty-one where I learnt how to tackle the problems faced by young people and then my YouTube channel, Ugly Face of Beauty, happened.

Early on in my vlogging career I realised that talking about fashion and beauty wasnt going to be enough for me, and like so many others on the internet, I had been guilty of putting a sheen of perfection over my life, but my reality was far from perfect. Yes, social media, I love you, but I am looking at you as a big part of this perceived perfection problem as you make it so easy for people to pretend to be something they are not.

Instead I wanted to be honest and really talk about what I was going through. Those closest to me thought this was a bad idea, that I was leaving myself open to judgement, but I didnt want to filter out my truth any more; I wanted to be honest.