Marlee Grace - Getting to Center

For Jackie Who holds her center so well, who is her own planetarium, the brightest light

The first time I saw Marlee was at a hotel lobby for the Decatur Book Festival. She was wearing Blundstones, all-black (very professional), and her hair was in that (iconic) bright, triangular-shaped dirty-blonde bob. I remember thinking her outfit was cute, there was something linear about the lines, the silhouette. I remember thinking that her tattoos were also particularly wonderful. They stood out, reminded me of my ownIm a Capricorn: shocking no one, I love my own taste. Marlee is a Capricorn moon; we simply get each other.

This isnt an understatement. As the months have rolled into countless conversationsas Ive fallen in love again, as she moved across the country from Michigan to New Mexico, right through to the outbreak of a pandemicweve shared moments of deep togetherness, as well as deep parallels between our processes. More than anything, whats become clear is that theres a mirroring between how we both navigate the world.

No big surprise, we have similar traumas. But somehow, miraculously, weve learned how to work through them individually, with an equal amount of compassion and perseverance.

Heres the thing you might not get at first glance: Marlee is spiritually diligent; shes self-aware. Ive also come to admire the way she navigates things politically because shes diligentwhether its about queerness, or about being a white woman navigating a white supremacist world, she wants to engage, be curious, and she wants to learn. Her responsiveness has felt, at times, a small, and necessary, reprieve.

Ive found this most impressively in her writing, in particular this book, which I have been very fortunate to read in its early iterations. In the pages, youll see someone who is immensely dedicated to the betterment of herself, as she is in the betterment of you. Her enthusiasm is both relatable and revelatory. This is a book made out of love because Marlee loves you. She wants people to be happy, to learn the lessons shes learning herself.

In the pages, as she moves from joy to grief, productivity to rejuvenation, theres an honesty about her own process that makes her words so compelling. There were moments I felt deeply seen, and where a deep-bellied aha arose through me because she writes as she speaks to you when shes your friend: shes direct, shes funny, and shes honest about how deeply hard work it is to be invested in your own happiness.

As I read the book, I felt moved that I had a friend who would take the time to catalog what shes found works for her. Marlee is the teacher and the student.

Theres so much about her that moves meas a friend, comrade, and colleagueand Ive felt deeply blessed by her care as Ive struggled these last few months in my own life. In moments of my own darkness and sometimes gloom, shes shown up for me, something I didnt even need to ask her to do. Which is something this book does too: it shows up. Do you have a question on how to proceed on work, life, love? Marlee might have some answers for you!

Thats another thingshe quietly leads by example. She wants to be a good person, and actively seeks that journey with vigilance, and this book is an example of that work. This is an intimacy that translates into Marlees artwork, something thats no doubt made her a charming light beam. Marlees art, like Marlee herself, is expansive, its many dimensions of her being and her thoughtfulness. She spreads herself, like only an adept Gemini would, and brings all of herself to the hopeful bettering of anyone who trusts her. Thing is, she makes you want to trust her. She makes you feel safe too. She makes you want to go on the journey with her, and like she is in real life, she becomes the friend you didnt know you wanted.

EARLIER THIS YEAR, Marlee came and stayed with me. It was January, about a month and a half before COVID-19 would truly hit the US. It feels like ages ago, but we spent a few days cooking, talking, writing alone, watching Sex Education in my bed, and going to the Lesbian Herstory Archives in Park Slope. She danced for me, and we blew smoke out the kitchen window. I was just officially falling in love with my now partner, and she guided me through it. Held me as I remembered, completely lovesick, the intensity of falling in love again and what it meant to be so moved by love, unexpectedly. She talked about Jackie, her partner, and there was a feeling of the sincere relief you get when you are able to talk to someone who understands queer partnership (because theyre also in one).

In the time that Ive known her, shes made me understand why I saw her in our shared hotel lobby. Theres something deeply compelling about the work she has dedicated herself to. As her friend, we talk about it often. About the struggles of being spiritually focused. Just today, I was on the phone with her and we talked about being public and about desirability, and what comes with the intensely introjected fear of ones inherent unlovability... and how that clashes when youre being seen. With this book, shell go there with you, to those depths.

Its a tough job to be a vessel. Especially one without egothats part of the process too, of paring back the bullshit and being faced with who we really are. Marlee does that. She makes it feel safe for you to do it too. I am grateful for her work. To be a witness. This book will remind you of that too, of how lucky we all are to have one another. And how important it is to heal, for ourselves, but also for one another.

Love from Under the Corona Sun,

Fariha Risn

March 2020

Believing in ourselves is not a task or a chore of ease, unless we make it so. While mental health and self-worth are not always pathways of choice, we can build this into our practice. Choice making as re-centering. Re-centering as choice making.

This is the beginning. Well talk about beginnings together. And endings. Because everything that ends has a beginning, and everything that begins will end. This is the beauty! Of the process! Of getting to center.

Id like to start out with what center even is. Part of the experience of reading this book will be that you get to define it for yourself. However Id like to also share what my experience has been with defining my own center.

Instead of finding balance, I like the language of getting back on the beam. As if to say, we will always get knocked off, and we may get knocked off when we least expect it. You might picture the beam where gymnasts do amazing tricks. They flip and spin through the air, and then, with a mix of luck and skill, they stick the landing in their sparkly leotards and throw their hands up. You know the move. So Ive built tools into my life that help me get back on the beam faster. Were going to build those tools so we perform that move with more ease. And if we dont stick the landing and instead break both ankles and crumple into a ball, were going to figure out how the hell to start over again.

Another important point I want to make is that you are not the center. You contain a self-defined center, but you as a soul-holding, breathing person are not the center. And we should all be so lucky to both give up this ego-driven placement in the world as well as feel a sense of freedomto be relieved of this great responsibility is a gift.

In these pages, we are not going to try to solve anything, or to find great and restorative balance. Because if there is one thing I know from creating this book and this life of mine, it is that almost nothing makes sense. Or, that it all makes sense in the perfect and divine path that is your aliveness. Or, that nothing is out of place; everything is on time. Or, that no matter how many times you get far away from your truth, there will always be a path to get back to it. Or to carve out a new one. Or to literally destroy every path ever, because all the paths sucked, and now you need a new path that no one has ever created before.