Susan M Erschen - Finding a Loving God in the Midst of Grief

FINDING A LOVING GOD IN THE MIDST OF GRIEF

SUSAN M. ERSCHEN

Copyright 2019 Susan M. Erschen

All rights reserved.

Published by The Word Among Us Press

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ISBN: 978-1-59325-346-2

eISBN: 978-1-59325-532-9

Scripture texts in this work are taken from the New American Bible, revised edition 2010, 1991, 1986, 1970 Confraternity of Christian Doctrine, Washington, D.C. and are used by permission of the copyright owner. All Rights Reserved. No part of the New American Bible may be reproduced in any form without permission in writing from the copyright owner.

English translation of the Catechism of the Catholic Church for the United States of America copyright 1994, United States Catholic Conference of Catholic BishopsLibreria Editrice Vaticana. English translation of the Catechism of the Catholic Church: Modifications from the Editio Typica copyright 1997, United States Catholic Conference of Catholic BishopsLibreria Editrice Vaticana.

Cover design by Faceout Studios

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Made and printed in the United States of America

Library of Congress Control Number: 2019935450

CONTENTS

Authors Note

Dear Reader,

Here is the most important thing I know about grief: its a different journey for each of us.

We all eventually visit most of the same spots, but we dont do it in the same order. For example, deciding what to keep of our loved ones things and what to give away might be an immediate need for practical or emotional reasons. For others, this step might wait for months.

Some will find that forgiveness is an essential stop early in the journey. For others, forgiveness might be the very last place they visit.

This truth about our grief journeys made it difficult for me to decide the order of the chapters in this book. The best I could do for you is to make sure each chapter stood on its own. So please feel free to read these chapters in whatever order is most helpful for you. You can skip a chapter if youre not ready for it, or you can jump ahead to something you feel you need sooner rather than later. Let the Spirit guide you to what you need from these pages.

I am most sorry for your loss. I have prayed for you as I have written this book, and I hope it brings you comfort.

God bless!

Sue Erschen

CHAPTER 1

Natural but Unique

I walked away from my dads graveside service, crying unashamedly. The final prayers, the gun salute, and the presentation of the flag for this World War II veteran were more than my fragile emotions could handle. I hugged and was hugged by my husband, my children, my brother, and my sisters. All of us shared a deep and overwhelming grief at that moment.

Then my four-year-old grandson was beside me, tugging at my hand. Grandma, he asked, with great concern on his face, are you always going to be sad? Clearly my tears were upsetting to him. He had probably never seen me cry before.

I smiled down at him and assured him, No, I wont always be sad. But I do need to be sad for a little while. Okay?

Different for Each of Us

How long will this last? This is a question we ask when we are grieving or when someone close to us is grieving. How long will we cry at the slightest thing? How long will we feel disconnected from life, angry, listless, or anxious? There are no dependable answers for these questions.

The ancients asked this question too.

How long, LORD? Will you utterly forget me?

How long will you hide your face from me?

How long must I carry sorrow in my soul,

grief in my heart day after day? (Psalm 13:2-3)

Many of the prophets repeated the same lament. Even today we cannot accurately answer the question of how long grief will last or what it will look like. It is different for everyone.

Some people can overcome the worst of grief in just a few weeks. For most of us, it may take six months to a year. Yet many people will have recurring episodes of grief for years after the loss. The goal is not to recover from grief as quickly as possible but rather to recover well. The longer we deny our feeling of grief, the longer it will take for us to fully recover.

Over the years, some experts have tried to put a timeline on grief. We often hear that it will take a year. One must go through every holiday, birthday, anniversary, and special day at least once. But this isnt always true. Some find the second year harder than the first, and others move forward in less than a year.

In the last half of the twentieth century, Dr. Elisabeth Kbler-Ross, in her landmark book On Death and Dying, put forth the theory that people had to go through five stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. But today many grief counselors disavow this theory. They say people experience different symptoms of grief at different times, and expecting a grieving person to follow a certain pattern can only hamper the process.

The simple fact is that everyone grieves differently. There is no right or wrong way. Grief is an extremely personal experience that can be influenced by many circumstances. The timing of the death, the way the person died, and other stress in our lives at the time can all impact how we grieve. Grief is difficult enough without adding the additional burden of judgment. When we face grief, we need to take Our Lords words to heart: Stop judging, that you may not be judged (Matthew 7:1). We should never judge anyone for the way they are grieving. Nor should we let anyone judge us.

Everyone Grieves

One thing we know for sure is that everyone grieves at some time. As much as death is a part of life, grief is also a part of life. Inevitably, when one person dies, another one will grieve. Yet we like to ignore grief, push it under the carpet, pretend that it isnt there. Take your three or four days of bereavement time, and then please get back to work. Dont mention it again.

However, ignoring grief isnt helpful. Its not healthy to pretend our grief disappeared in a week and that everything is back to normal. When we lose someone we love, grief will be with us for a while. It will change us in many ways. We will find our way through our grief more easily if we accept grieving as a good and instinctive process. Its a natural side effect of loving.

We may ask, If God loves me, why would he make me go through this? Yet even people closest to God knew great and overwhelming grief. Scripture is full of grief.

Naomi, in the Old Testament Book of Ruth, was stranded in a foreign land after her husband and her two sons died.

Job lost his entire family.

Jacob spent a lifetime grieving the loss of his dear son Joseph, who had been sold to Egyptian traders.

The mother of Jesus watched as her only son was tortured to death.

The apostle John stood at the cross with Mary and saw his best friend suffer and die.

St. Mary Magdalene was torn with grief as she wandered the garden on Easter Sunday.

The two disciples on the road to Emmaus were grieving the loss of an inspiring teacher.

Great people in recent centuries too have experienced profound grief.

St. Elizabeth Ann Seton buried her beloved husband while she was still a young woman with five small children. The way she handled this great grief has made her a patron saint for all those who grieve.