Caroline Garnet McGraw - You Dont Owe Anyone: Free Yourself from the Weight of Expectations

I could not stop reading this book; I felt seen in ways no book has ever made me feel. Caroline is a masterful storyteller, and her honesty is so comforting. This is a magnificently brave work, one that offers fellow pleasers and strivers an invitation to claim healthier and happier ways of being in the world.

Rachel Macy Stafford, New York Times bestselling author, speaker, and certified special education teacher

So often we give ourselves away in the search for acceptance. You Dont Owe Anyone is a much-needed reminder that this sense of belonging is really only found when we look inward. But for some of us, this introspection can be truly harrowing. I know what its like to not feel safe in your own skin. This book guides you to create that safe, loving space in yourself. For those who have struggled to trust themselves, this book is a true companion.

Julie Barton, New York Times bestselling author of Dog Medicine

Reading this book is like having a heart-to-heart with a wise, dear friend who reminds you how to come back home to yourself. Caroline is an expert at unlocking old trauma patterns so you can break free and shine your light.

Elisa Boxer, author and Emmy Awardwinning journalist

Carolines book is packed with practical wisdom, delivered in the encouraging voice of a big sister whos rooting for you to move out of the try-hard cycle of perfectionism and onto the path of your own unique journey. This book gives us permission to make our inner freedom (which is not an indulgence) our number-one prioritya message that is greatly needed in this time.

Kelly McNelis, founder of Women for One, and author of Your Messy Brilliance: 7 Tools for the Perfectly Imperfect Woman

As soon as I heard the title, I knew I had to read this book. When I did, I was swept along with each story. This is brilliant, strong work; its the permission slip every perfectionist needs to clutch to their heart.

Deborah Hurwitz, founder and CEO of COBALT Coaching

Whether youre a people pleaser or a perfectionist, overcommitted or overwhelmed, youll find sweet relief in these pages. Through personal stories and practical advice, Caroline shows you how to give yourself more care, kindness, and grace.

Francine Jay, author of The Joy of Less and Lightly

I want to thrash around wildly and cry and scream and yell and then shove this book into the hands of every single person Ive ever met and say, Here, you *have* to read this. For the people pleasing, always-there-for-everyone, never-let-a-ball-drop overextenders, overworkers, and overachievers: this book will make you burn it all down... and rejoice. Its the perfect book for perfectionists. Ironic? Maybe. Imperative? Definitely.

Ash Ambirge, Author, Entrepreneur, CEO

You Dont Owe Anyone

Free Yourself from the Weight of Expectations

Caroline Garnet McGraw

Broadleaf Books

Minneapolis

YOU DONT OWE ANYONE

Free Yourself from the Weight of Expectations

Copyright 2021 Caroline Garnet McGraw. Printed by Broadleaf Books, an imprint of 1517 Media. All rights reserved. Except for brief quotations in critical articles or reviews, no part of this book may be reproduced in any manner without prior written permission from the publisher. Email copyright@1517.media or write to Permissions, Broadleaf Books, PO Box 1209, Minneapolis, MN 55440-1209.

Scriptures taken from the Holy Bible, New International Version, NIV. Copyright 1973, 1978, 1984, 2011 by Biblica, Inc. Used by permission of Zondervan. All rights reserved worldwide. www.zondervan.com The NIV and New International Version are trademarks registered in the United States Patent and Trademark Office by Biblica, Inc.

Cover design: Laura Drew

Print ISBN: 978-1-5064-6409-1

eBook ISBN: 978-1-5064-6410-7

Disclaimer: This is a work of creative nonfiction. Ive recounted events and conversations to the best of my memory, but memory is fallible. I do not claim to be objective, and of course others may have a different perspective. I have done my best to portray events in a gracious light, intending no harm. And while all the stories in this book are true, in some cases I have compressed events and altered their timing for the sake of narrative flow. Finally, some names and identifying details have been changed to protect the privacy of the people involved.

To Tam, for keeping the faith,

to Brooke, for helping me hope,

to Jonathan, for being my love.

Have you ever beat yourself up over not responding to every message you received in a day?

Me too. I know how it goes. On one hand, youre tired and overwhelmed. But on the other hand, there are emails! Texts! Calls! All demanding a response!

If we check in with ourselves, we can sense which messages require our attention. However, we have trouble heeding that inner knowing because it conflicts with what weve been taught:

/ If someone writes, we must write back.

/ If someone starts talking, we must converse.

/ If someone moves in for a hug, we must embrace.

It doesnt matter if we feel uncomfortable, exhausted, or just plain unwilling. If we dont do these things, then were unkind and rude. Right?

Maybe not.

Maybe there are more important questions for us to ask ourselves than, But what if they get mad at me?

Questions such as,

/ How much time have I wasted in needing to be seen a certain way?

/ What danger have I courted with my inability to say a direct no?

/ What have I sacrificed on the altar of being too nice?

It isnt easy to answer these questions, I know. But years ago, I came face-to-face with them.

A male acquaintance who had made a drunken move on me a decade priorand whom I hadnt spoken to sincesent me a series of messages on Facebook. There was no context to the messages, just I miss you. I miss you. I really miss you.

Perhaps its obvious to you that these messages did not require a response. But at the time, it wasnt clear to me. (Have you ever noticed that other peoples problems seem simple to solve, whereas our own struggles feel much more complex?)

For me, the thought of not responding triggered feelings of guilt and insecurity. What if I hurt this guys feelings? Was I not being compassionate enough? Should I be polite or listen to my intuition?

Eventually, I asked my husband, Jonathan, for his perspective. You dont owe anyone an interaction, he said fiercely.

When Jonathan said those six words, something within me unlocked. For three decades Id been held captive by my own mistaken beliefs, but in that moment, I understood that I could set myself free. Suddenly, it was obvious: I did not have to respond to the messages at all. I did not have to twist myself into knots just because a man said that he missed me. I did not have to protect him from his discomfort while ignoring my own. It was OK for him to miss me, but it wasnt OK for me to miss myself anymore. I did not owe himor anyone elsean interaction. There was no debt to pay.

All I could say in response to Jonathan was Wow. May I quote you on that?

He said yes, so I published a post expanding on his core idea. I wrote about how many women feel compelled to respond to everyone who reaches out to them. I wrote about how weve been conditioned to believe that being kind means being available 24/7, but when we dont guard our time, our very ability to be kind erodes.