Anne Wareham - Outwitting Squirrels

To Charles: best pest

The original edition of Outwitting Squirrels written by Bill Adler was published in the United States by Chicago Review Press in 1982. This is a new version inspired by the original edition, published by Michael OMara Books and distributed in the United Kingdom.

First published in Great Britain in 2015 by

Michael OMara Books Limited

9 Lion Yard

Tremadoc Road

London SW4 7NQ

Copyright Anne Wareham 2015

All rights reserved. You may not copy, store, distribute, transmit, reproduce or otherwise make available this publication (or any part of it) in any form, or by any means (electronic, digital, optical, mechanical, photocopying, recording or otherwise), without the prior written permission of the publisher. Any person who does any unauthorized act in relation to this publication may be liable to criminal prosecution and civil claims for damages.

A CIP catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library.

ISBN: 978-1-78243-370-5 in paperback print format

ISBN: 978-1-78243-371-2 in e-book format

Illustrations by Kate Charlesworth

Designed and typeset by K. DESIGN, Winscombe, Somerset

www.mombooks.com

CONTENTS

T his is not the definitive text on nasties in the garden. This is, broadly speaking, my own experience of nasties in the garden and what Ive learned about them, offered to you as honestly as possible. Which, you may agree, is a rare virtue in the gardening world, where blind optimism is generally favoured over absolute truth.

This should not make you downhearted. Yes, there are myriad pests and problems in the garden one reason why I cannot be exhaustive here but if you look around you, in most parts of the British Isles you will see thriving green places and spaces. Even the ones suffering from great neglect are likely growing something. Plants want to grow and they work hard at it; most of the time you need to get out of their way and let them get on with it.

However, if you decide you want to make trouble for yourself in the garden, there are several excellent routes to that end. The best is to grow fruit and vegetables. If you are wondering why you dont have issues with the bugs and diseases you hear many gardeners talk about, you are probably concentrating on growing flowers. The way to make real enemies in your garden is with edibles: everything, as well as you, will fancy having a bit.

The next best way to introduce yourself to a great load of nasties is to garden under glass. Bugs like living in snug and warm conditions with lots of good food to eat just as much as you do, and they may be harder to evict than your common human. But still, as good an idea as buying a greenhouse might seem, remember: just as there are nurseries full of thriving vegetables like French beans and peppers, there are also glasshouses full of unripe tomatoes and straggly geraniums. Something will always grow in there, if provided with a little life-giving water now and then, but to make the most of the benefits of a greenhouse, you must take extra care to combat your botanical tenants and get the environment just right.

And then you can make gardening hard work by being yourself. If you are tidy, a perfectionist or very competitive, you may find life in the garden that bit more challenging. Or, if you are living with someone with these traits, it will be both painful and noisy as you battle it out for dominance. It will be hard work if you feel yourself to be in a survival conflict with the hordes of pests that are intent on destroying your lovely garden. It will be even harder work if you have a neighbour, in-law or friend who has a tendency to treat your efforts with scorn or trample about without due care. In short, the greatest foes in a garden may be people.

So, look sceptically at all that Grow Your Own and Here Comes the Allotment fever that surges as an epidemic about every ten years ten years being just about the length of time needed before people forget what being green-fingered is really like and fantasize about supermarket dependence again because the main thing to remember is that being a gardener is hard, and not an exact science. It can also be hugely rewarding. You will either be lamenting hole-filled cabbages the size of golf balls or celebrating your prize-winning marrows. If you can accept that your new pursuit can be infuriatingly unpredictable, then you can also put up with a few pests and live a little easier.

Life in the garden will also be more straightforward if you can persuade yourself to be unlike 99 per cent of all British gardeners and be ruthless. Ruthless enough to throw out miserable plants that are not trying hard enough to win the race for exuberant, glorious life. Brave enough to change course if something is turning into far too much trouble and tough enough to experiment and risk being different. And if you are fortunate enough to plant something and see it grow, after nurturing it throughout the year, you must be strong enough to be able to cut it down again at the end of the season.

Do all of these things, and be up for the struggle, and you will enjoy an activity like no other. The fruits of your labours will be there to see, touch and taste and you will know that your success will have been down to your hard work and determination. It will also help if youre not too squeamish to pick up a slug (although, I am too squeamish for that and am still winning my own garden battles, so I think you can, too).

Anne Wareham

S quirrels are like an intermittent mechanical fault of the worst kind. You know the sort of thing: your car starts stalling randomly, but if you take it to the garage, can you make it stall? Of course not. And the mechanics look at you sceptically and suck their teeth and clearly think you cant drive properly. Squirrels are similar in that when it comes to keeping them off your peanuts and birdseed, some guaranteed-to-defeat-squirrel feeders work like a dream for many people. But your squirrel will always be the one hanging upside down by one toe from a twig and eating the lot.

I have an anti-squirrel bird feeder with a wire mesh round it. I got it partly because its quite attractive. I have yet to see a squirrel manage to obtain the nuts inside, or, indeed, try to. However, I know of one person who bought one who claims to have a picture of a squirrel happily ensconced inside the cage, devouring peanuts.

Before I got that one, I foolishly bought a complicated variety of feeder that abruptly shuts up shop when a squirrel lands on it. I had an annoying squirrel at the time, so it seemed like a good idea. I have never managed to assemble the horrible thing (the feeder, not the squirrel). Its still sitting half in and half out of its box, in bits, reproaching me. Im not even sure how on earth I can dispose of it. Note to self: buy one I am likely to be able to understand how to construct next time.

Squirrels are great learners: this is their great survival trick. They can learn from another squirrel, or even from people, and they do it fast. Its not like teaching your dog to sit, so, sadly, if you have a family of squirrels around, it only takes one to learn the trick of breaking and entering and you can be sure that soon the whole family will be enthusiastic burglars. This ability to learn also clearly overcomes the fact that some squirrels arent as bright as others.

They also have amazing memories, and its said (I havent investigated squirrels brains in detail myself) that the hippocampus bit of their brain grows by as much as 15 per cent in the autumn when they are nut burying. This is the sort of effect learning the knowledge has on the brain of a taxi driver, although I imagine that with the taxi driver its less seasonal.