Paul Mason - The Cupboard Under the Stairs: A Boy Trapped in Hell...

Paul Mason is a writer. He also delivers victim-focused training and inspirational talks to professionals and support agencies working in the field of child sexual abuse. He has helped influence service standards for male victims of abuse. As part of his voluntary work, he created and subsidised the influential Systematic Abuse of Males (SAM) programme, for which he won the Una Padel Outstanding Individual of the Year award for 2009, presented by the Centre for Crime and Justice Studies. He now lives on an island with his three dogs.

Enjoy life, but be attentive. Dont think there are no beasts just because the forest is silent.

This has been a difficult book to write, not only because it contains my innermost thoughts and details of what happened to me throughout my life but also because it primarily concerns my blood-relative family. Although he is no longer with us, I love my brother as much as any brother could. Likewise, even though as a child I did not understand her behaviour, my mother will remain someone whom I love and for whom I have much sympathy. Like many others, she was a victim of a monster who called himself a father.

I know that there will be some who read this book and condemn it as a breach of privacy and perhaps trust, a story that should never have been shared or put into print. While I can understand that some people would prefer that this difficult subject was not openly discussed, the truth of the matter is that if we are to save children from suffering or help victims to recover, then there is a need to know and understand as much as we can about paedophiles and child sex offenders and the true legacy of their vile actions. I have not sensationalised my life or the incidents that fill it, and nor have I ever wanted to. What you read here is the product of a lifetimes experience; it is the grim reality of a nightmarish existence. I feel certain that similar abuse is happening to other children right now.

The vast majority of people who have endured child sexual abuse have no objection to being called victims. It is a popular misconception, created by those working in the support network field, that instead we like to be categorised as survivors. Its absolute nonsense and political correctness gone wild. As far as I am aware, the last thing any abused person concerns themselves with is what they are classed as, a victim or a survivor. Ultimately, we are all human beings. No one, especially an innocent child, deserves to be manipulated, imprisoned and abused by a parent, guardian or any adult. I use the term victim frequently in this book, not because I am seeking sympathy or because its an emotive term, but because that is what anyone who suffers unwarranted abuse or harm is: a victim.

I have written several books on various subjects, and ordinarily I can produce pages of people who merit thanks for their positive part in the creation of the work; in this instance, writing the acknowledgements is a far more difficult exercise. Some people, for obvious reasons, I prefer not to name, so that their privacy is maintained. I have deliberately kept many of the people mentioned in these pages as anonymous as is possible. That is my wish, not anyone elses, and I do it out of respect for them and their families.

My two wonderful children have been there beside me for every step of this difficult journey. A thank you is not enough. The greatest accolade I can give is that I trust you and I will always love you. I want to thank Detective Sergeant Chris Churchman of the Metropolitan Police. If a man could ever be described as an angel, then it is he. My mistrust of the police and the prosecutorial legal system they operate within (not the judiciary) is not without reason. It is not the result of bitterness, paranoia or animosity. For more than three decades, I was a serving police officer and during that time I witnessed all kinds of corruption, unlawful activities and deliberate incompetence, all supposedly in the name of the law. Chris Churchman, however, is the consummate professional. If any police force should ever wish to seek guidance on how to treat and properly deal with a victim of child sexual abuse, then I would beg them to seek out Chris. Throughout the police investigation, he was a beacon shining brightly above the sea of investigative bureaucracy and legal jargon that often defies logic. Of one thing I am certain: if more police officers adopted his approach, more victims would come forward and speak out and more sexually motivated crime would be solved. Had it not been for Chris, I might well have given up on pursuing my case.

I also want to mention (not thank or praise) the Crown Prosecution Service (CPS). Their crass and inept attitude and lack of understanding was unbelievable, a great example of how lopsided the English legal system is, falling on the side of the paedophile because the case was historical and therefore some witnesses were ill or dead. They failed me by allowing my father to walk away free. Even the police were alarmed by their decision not to prosecute.

Looking back over my life, I see that there have been several positive influences that have kept me focused on everyday living, not least the actor Adam West, who is best known for his portrayal of the Caped Crusader, Batman. For me, there is no other actor who portrayed Batman and the fight between good and evil as accurately as he did. Had Bob Kane and Bill Finger never initially created Batman, the likelihood is I would not be writing these words. It was Batman who helped me survive my childhood, so I place on record my appreciation to those three individuals and pledge my lifelong allegiance to Batman.

As I grew out of childhood, I found new heroes, those representing Leeds United football club. Despite having had a professional association (books and various writings) with what was at the time my local team (Carlisle FC), my real passion has always been Leeds United. Elland Road became my surrogate home, a place where I felt part of a unique family, where no one judged or ostracised me, a place where I could scream with joy and elation, or, in more recent times, frustration. The late Bill Shankly was right when he said football was much more than a game; for me, it provided a life. I am proud to wear the mark of Leeds United permanently, in the shape of a tattoo on my left arm. Leeds is a city where I once lived and served in the police force, the place where my daughter was born and which my son visits every other week of the football season. Its the greatest city in the world and, for me, that stems from its football team: marching on together.

I want to say a big thank you to Bill Campbell and his excellent team at Mainstream, who have provided support throughout the work and kept me focused on the task. Your efforts are greatly appreciated.

Finally, I hope this book provides hope and inspiration for the many thousands of victims of child sexual abuse across the world. Its a harrowing and often arduous journey we make, with more dead ends than open highways. Despite everything (and in my case that includes the obvious failures of the English legal system in the form of the CPS), we must keep travelling the route, always looking forward and never behind, never standing still until we know we are safe. Sometimes we may feel as though the light at the end of the tunnel is nothing more than another steam train thundering towards us, ready to plough into us and take us back to a place we no longer choose to be. But thats what is important. We