Praise for
BE NOT AFRAID OF LOVE
A radical and revolutionary act of love, transcendently written. Mimi Zhu writes about love in a way that is tender and caring and healingthey contextualize love not as an abstract sentiment but as a grounded and spiritual act intimately tied to every aspect of what we fight for.
Jonny Sun, New York Times bestselling author of Goodbye, Again
Tender, insightful, and deeply affirming. These precious chapters are a nourishing constellation of hope, truths, new light, and the words on love and fellowship that we need; have always needed.
Yrsa Daley-Ward, poet and author of bone, The Terrible, and The How
Zhu conveys their story with such honesty and clarity that it forges connections to your heart straight through the page. With incredible strength they lay out not only the darkness of their experiences with assault but also their path to love, to full acceptance of their past, of their emotions, and, in the end, themself. Be Not Afraid of Love brings forward wisdom teachings like impermanence and the law of karma in a way that is accessible and relatable to a new generation. This book is bound to help those who are ready to reclaim their power.
Yung Pueblo, New York Times bestselling author of Clarity & Connection
Poetic, luminous, and expansive, Be Not Afraid of Love guides the reader on a vital journey toward healing. Pulling from their own experience and their keen understanding of the systems that distort our collective understanding of love, Mimi Zhu writes with stunning honesty. This book is a moving meditation on what it means to move through shame, fear, anxiety, grief, and so much more in order to truly find and accept lovefrom our community and from ourselves. Be Not Afraid of Love is both a question and an answer, beckoning the reader to interrogate the power of love, the utility of love. In this deeply wounded world, anyone and everyone thinking about how to improve our collective futures should read this book.
Zeba Blay, author of Carefree Black Girls
Mimi Zhus Be Not Afraid of Love is the kind of book that is effused with such candor and care that the words themselves become a salve. Zhus generosity to delve into their own life and circumstance to speak to the necessity of investing in love, in finding it in oneself, is such a tender and ripe offering. This is a book written for the community in an effort to help us all tend to ourselves in a deeper and more honestly profound way. This book will sit close to my heart for a long time. I am so grateful for Zhus words, mind, and existence.
Fariha Risn, author of Like a Bird, How to Cure a Ghost, and Who Is Wellness For?
Penguin Life
BE NOT AFRAID OF LOVE
Mimi Zhu (they/them) is a queer Chinese Australian writer and artist. They facilitate workshops that are dedicated to the healing power of the written word. Their work has been featured in The New York Times, PAPER, i-D, The Guardian, Printed Matter, VICE, and more. They are based in Brooklyn.
@mimizhuxiyuan
PENGUIN BOOKS
An imprint of Penguin Random House LLC
penguinrandomhouse.com
Copyright 2022 by Mimi Zhu
Penguin Random House supports copyright. Copyright fuels creativity, encourages diverse voices, promotes free speech, and creates a vibrant culture. Thank you for buying an authorized edition of this book and for complying with copyright laws by not reproducing, scanning, or distributing any part of it in any form without permission. You are supporting writers and allowing Penguin Random House to continue to publish books for every reader.
A Penguin Life Book
Artwork by Somnath Bhatt
library of congress cataloging-in-publication data
Names: Zhu, Mimi, author.
Title: Be not afraid of love: lessons on fear, intimacy, and connection / Mimi Zhu.
Description: First Edition. | New York: Penguin Life, [2022] | Includes bibliographical references.
Identifiers: LCCN 2022002725 (print) | LCCN 2022002726 (ebook) | ISBN 9780143137122 (trade paperback) | ISBN 9780593511091 (ebook)
Subjects: LCSH: Love. | Fear. | Intimacy (Psychology) | Interpersonal relations.
Classification: LCC BF575.L8 Z48 2022 (print) | LCC BF575.L8 (ebook) | DDC 152.4/1dc23/eng/20220608
LC record available at https://lccn.loc.gov/2022002725
LC ebook record available at https://lccn.loc.gov/2022002726
Cover design by Nayon Cho
Designed by Sabrina Bowers, adapted for ebook by Cora Wigen
pid_prh_6.0_140788414_c0_r0
For my families: biological, chosen, and of Earth. You have all shown me what it means to be embodiments of love.
Contents
INTRODUCTION :
The Birth of Love and Fear
NUMBNESS:
The Expansiveness of Feeling
ANGER:
Giving Life to Vital Breath
ANXIETY:
An Unknowing of My Own
GRIEF:
All Endings Must Be Mourned
DISTRUST:
Trusting Ourselves in Change
SHAME:
Getting to Know Our Ghosts
PRESENCE:
Meeting My Multitudes Again
COMMUNITY:
A Chorus of Belonging
MIRACLE:
The Miracle in Being
LOVE:
Unconditional Love Is Embodied
Preface
I must be honest; I am terrified of love.
I cannot act as an authority on the mystery that is love, for I have spent a long time cowering from it, fearful of it, and avoiding it at all costs. As much as I have tried running away from it, I have learned that love is an inescapable force, and my entire life revolves around its power. Maybe it is not love that I am afraid of, but the loss, heartbreak, vulnerability, and death that come with it. I write to uncover all the possibilities that live, breathe, and await me underneath my fear. In this book, I share with you my humble findings, which is my act of love to anybody who will receive it, and an act of love toward myself.
Since my childhood, I have been curious about the visceral natures of both love and fear. I have been enthralled by the giddiness of love and stung by the prickliness of fear. I have seen how often they meet during grief, intimacy, anxiety, post-traumatic stress disorder, romance, friendship, and communion. Love and fear create myriad emotions and projections in our internal emotional landscapes, and they also echo outward to generate relationships, community, history, political movements, and violence in the world we live in. Love and fear are not one and the same, but they exist on a spectrum that invites them to be intertwined in a rapturous hypnotic dance.
I am a survivor of intimate partner violence. For a little over three years, I was deeply entangled in an abusive, toxic, on-again, off-again relationship. We went through painful cycles of fear and love, and had a difficult time differentiating between the two. The relationship was addictive and violent, and by the time it ended, I felt as if I had lost myself completely. I searched everywhere for answers because I still believed that love lived outside me, far beyond my grasp. It took me years to realize that love has a home in me. I needed to embody love to truly understand it.
The last five years have been an ongoing urgent quest of healing, and it continues without any specific destination in mind. I have spent most of my life escaping my pain and seeking refuge in different people and places. In doing so, I have witnessed love in many unexpected forms. On some days my fear overcomes me, and I do not believe in the power of love, but on most days, I experience embodied moments when I wholeheartedly feel loves endurance, loves patience, and loves will for me to survive. Writing this book has helped me live, and living this life has helped me write. I hope to share these moments with you, in hopes that my love finds yours.