gal-dem - I Will Not Be Erased: Our stories about growing up as people of colour

WITH ILLUSTRATIONS BY JESS NASH

Were gal-dem, a magazine written and produced exclusively by young women and non-binary people of colour. This is the first time weve published a book, and it is the book we wish had existed when we were growing up.

So many of us felt the sting of erasure when we were young. We didnt see ourselves in literature or comics, in TV or film, or in the world around us. Our voices and experiences were missing from the history books and from positions of power. We know that many of our younger siblings and friends are still struggling with validation because of this erasure. And even though weve (almost) grown up sometimes we struggle too. The title of our book is a powerful statement to you and to ourselves: we refuse to be erased, and we are working hard so that you dont have to feel that you have been either. With this book we want to show you that your voice matters and your experiences are important.

There is something in each of these essays that will speak to anyone who has ever wondered what they might say to their younger self. After all, weve all fallen in love, fought with our parents or wondered where we fit in. But it is our hope that these essays will especially speak to those of us from marginalized backgrounds. Growing up as black, brown, East Asian, Arab or as any other minority identity in a majority white society, we feel we have had to contend with some unique experiences. But we have rarely seen those experiences written about in something as tangible as a book, and we want to change that.

Each essay in this collection is inspired by something we wrote when we were growing up. Weve taken our diary entries and screenshotted conversations, poems and messages from faded notepads or school diary planners that weve never quite been able to throw away. Weve all written about an experience that shaped us in some way and made us who we are today. We hope you can learn from our adventures, mistakes and heartbreaks so you feel less alone in your struggles and more at home in your joy.

Weve all been on very different journeys. A diary is where you get to define yourself on your own terms and take control of your narrative. What you write leaves a legacy. We hope our pasts and our futures speak as one about secret angst, anger and embarrassment, but also of lifes ridiculous joy and humour. Some of us have realized that we arent so different from our younger selves; others have life lessons we want to share because of how much we have changed.

Sometimes it feels like theres no one in your world who you can speak to: no one who really understands or who wants to listen. One of the things weve discovered about growing up is that there is almost always someone out there. And if not? Writing down your feelings and experiences is a good place to start.

by Charlie Brinkhurst-Cuff

and Liv Little

written by

YUMNA AL-ARASHI

12 July 2003

This morning my dad woke me up earlier than I needed and he was really pissed off. He told me to come downstairs and I went down and followed him outside. There was toilet paper all over our tree and styrofoam plates of actual shit on our driveway. He showed me someone left a note on our door that said I thought this is what your people eat for breakfast.

I hate being here. I hate McLean. I hate everyone here. My only friends that get me are Christine and Izzy and they hate it here too. I cant wait till Im a senior and can go to NYC.

I dont know what to do. I hate this. My dad is so fed up. Last week someone left a dead possum on our doorstep. And this is the second time someone toilet-papered our house. He thinks its my fault and that Im bringing trouble to me.

I think its JS and L. Im going to kill them. Theyre such LOSERS. If they have problems with ME then why are they doing this to my DADS HOUSE. They should talk to my face and not act like such losers.

Diary entry: age 14

Sweet Yumna,

The slam of your bedroom door was so loud that I thought Id come check in on you. Its me, you, sixteen years from now. I see that youve locked yourself in your bedroom after a pretty rough day. Well, maybe a pretty rough few years. I see you screaming into your pillow and wondering why you even exist. I see you. Youre fourteen and you are angry. Im thirty now and Im writing to you because, in this moment, you think you are completely alone in this strange world. I know you cant imagine having to deal with it for any longer, but look, youve made it this far. And youll make it further yet.

Two years ago, the whole world flipped upside down. On September 11 2001, America was struck by a series of horrible events which shook the country. Hijacked planes crashed into the World Trade Center in New York, the Pentagon in Washington DC and a field in Pennsylvania, and many people were killed. Tensions began to rise between the Western world and the Middle East. Up until that point, Yumna, you were just another kid in the suburbs of Washington DC: you went to school, you played instruments, you had friends, you played soccer. After that horrific morning, you were from the same place as the terrorists, your father worked for an Arab government, your skin was brown, you were Muslim and your holiday trips to see family in the Middle East were suddenly questioned. For the first time in your life, you were different.

It was weird to realize that you were from the same place as people whod done something so damaging to the country you were born in. It was heartbreaking to learn that people could have such bad intentions. But, through all of this confusion and hurt, youve started to learn some harsh lessons about the politics of the world. Sometimes those in power choose to target a specific group of people as a way to justify their actions, and to make a show of revenge. Theres a darker side to the power structures of this world and, although it feels horrible, this will inspire you to fight for fair treatment of all.

You, Yumna, are a clever little creature and you have a desperate need to learn. Pain and trauma will be the keys that open a door to learning about your place in the world. Your job will be to help defend all those who have been shamed because of the actions of a few. Although it doesnt seem like it right now, this is the greatest gift to you because it will inspire you to work harder, and feel deeper.

The next few years as a young teen will not be easy. Going to school has never been your favourite way to spend your time, and your schoolmates are now few and far between. Kids can be evil, and Im sorry to say that you will come into contact with some of the worst kind: bullies.

One month from today, the summer holidays will be over and youll be back in school for another year of dread. A few days later, a boy, lets call him Jamie Smith, will throw a full, open bottle of water at the back of your head. You will feel your first taste of absolute rage and it will finally click that it was him harassing you, your family and your home over the last year.