Jen Mann - Midlife Bites: Anyone Else Falling Apart, Or Is It Just Me?

Several years ago, when I started my blog, People I Want to Punch in the Throat, it was a place where I could blow off steam, tell funny stories about myself, the Hubs, and my kids, Gomer and Adolpha (I swear their real names are worse), write about life in general, and say all the things everyone thinks but never mentions out loud. A few months into blogging, I wrote a post about the Elf on the Shelf that went viral to more than a million people in a little over twenty-four hours, launching my writing career. Over the years Ive used my blog as a place to process my emotions and opinions, and the substantial online platform Ive built acts as a megaphone to share those feelings. So with my forty-seventh birthday looming, and some tough stuff going on in my life, I began to wonder, Am I having a midlife crisis? And what does that even look like for women?

I turned to my online community and wrote the blog post Anyone Else Falling Apart or Just Me? describing how I felt and wondering out loud (on the Internet) if others were feeling the same way. Most of what I write is funny or snarky. Im a chronic complainer. No one would ever call me perky, but this was a definite departure from my normal fare. Feeling a bit lost and overwhelmed, I hadnt blogged for several months and my readership was down, so I didnt really expect many people to care about the post. This time I wasnt writing for page views, I was writing to help me understand my feelings and what I was going through.

Id written the post in the predawn hours, well before my alarm was scheduled to go off. I always do my best and most honest writing in the middle of the night, when there are few distractions and few inhibitions. No matter what Im writing about, I always try to be honest and truthful. But sometimes I leave out the most painful stuffnot everything is for public consumption. Id written the post on my laptop in bed, buried under the covers, with tears and snot streaming down my face, a hot mess, surrounded by wadded-up used tissues. The Hubs was out of town and my kids were still asleep. I was alone.

When I finished writing I held my breath for a second before I hit Publish. This was the first (and only) time when I was so raw and vulnerable about something other than my outrage at despicable behavior or general bullshit. I didnt even try to sugarcoat it or crack a badly timed joke. I just laid myself bare, while at the same time wondering if this might be the end of my career. I took a deep breath and hit the button.

So Im pretty sure Im going through a midlife crisis. I feel like Im falling apart. I feel like the more I try to keep from falling apart, the faster I fall apart. I feel like Im drowning and I cant breathe. And, on top of all that, I also feel numb. Im not positive thats a midlife crisis, because when I Google midlife crisis or signs of a midlife crisis, so much of the information points to how men feel or how men can cope. Theres not a lot of information out there for women.

I thought, Maybe it doesnt happen to us? No, I think its more like we dont talk about this stuff.

I was reminded of a story about my overwhelmed great-grandmother asking her doctor for some help and he told her, Nice women dont discuss such things.

Nice women dont discuss such things.

I guess its a good thing Im not a nice woman? Because Im ready to discuss this uncomfortable topic.