Rik Isensee - Are You Ready?: The Gay Mans Guide to Thriving at Midlife

Advance Praise for Are You Ready?

Isensees book voices the soothing and optimistic idea that midlife can actually be a quite liberating time for gay men.

The Austin Chronicle

The reader has been conducted through explorations of the most significant aspects of the subject, such as Into the Dark Wood (reaching closure with a youthful identity) and physical and sexual changes by a San Francisco psychotherapist who knows the territory firsthand and uses the experiences and thoughtful commentary of a diverse group of middle-aging gay men to reveal more and help point the way to balanced conclusions and thoughtful behavioral recommendations. His well-managed interplay between his own analysis and the candid reasoned responses of his chosen group accomplish a great deal.

ForeWord

In a user-friendly format, Are you Ready? explores the fears and challenges associated with midlife, and the ways men have dealt with them. Isensee knows that brevity is the soul of wit, and his book reflects this an excellent reference for Gay men of all ages.

The Washington Blade

It addresses a problematic time of life for a population often ignored in the gay media, and provides solace and optimistic solutions.

Frontiers

This genial handbook focuses on successful aging in a subculture that, Isensee says, idolizes youthfulness. His encouraging tone may entice those seeking enlightenment about aging.

Publishers Weekly

The emphasis is on thriving, not merely surviving, as clinical social worker Isensee offers insight on relationships, body image, sexual changes, work and mortality (gulp!) for those of us busy checking our hair and waistlines in the mirror every morning.

ETC

Are You Ready?

Rik Isensee

Also by Rik Isensee:

Self-help:

Love Between MenEnhancing Intimacy and Resolving Conflicts in Gay Relationships. An excellent and very practical guide for making relationships work.

David McWhirter and Andrew Mattison, co-authors of The Male Couple.

Reclaiming Your Life, The Gay Mans Guide to Recovery from Abuse, Addictions, and Self-Defeating Behavior. an indispensable guide for recovery and the development of self-esteem that is the cornerstone for building a self-actualized and happy life.

Michael Shernoff, ACSW, co-director, Chelsea Psychotherapy Associates.

The Gay Mans Guide to Love and Intimacy (a tape from Sounds True). A guide to developing intimacy through clear communication with your partner.

Fiction:

The God Squad, a spoof on the ex-gay movement. brilliantly over the top Its twisted, but its getting funnier with each page I couldnt help but enjoy this fine display of Rik Isensees wicked sense of humor. Honest!

Jeffrey Jasper, Lambda Book Report.

Were Not Alone, a young adult novel dealing with gay, bisexual, and lesbian youth. Were Not Alone is fast-paced, well-written, and funny. This book belongs in the library of every high school.

Joyce Hunter, MSW, CSW, President of the National Lesbian/Gay Health Foundation.

Humor:

Spank the MonkeyReports from the Front Lines of Our Quirky Culture. Absolutely hysterical, smart, and original. Spank the Monkey is compulsively readable, un-put-downable fun!

David Rosen, Editor-in-Chief, InsightOutBooks

Plays: Censored!A Mocudrama in Two Unnatural Acts. Honky-Tonk Parade, winner of the James Highsmith Playwriting Award, a prize for new gay plays.

C ONTENTS

I NTRODUCTION

As generations of openly gay men reach our 40s and 50s, many of us find ourselves at sea. We are no longer young, but not yet old, and it takes a while to discover who we are during this new phase of life. For men who have already been out for half their lives, it can feel odd and disorienting to be questioning their identity again. Yet its understandable that wed feel some trepidation, since we dont have many positive models for what it means to be gay and proud at midlife.

As a consequence, gay men may approach midlife with a sense of forebodinga combination of embarrassment, guilt, and even shame, often reinforced by our own peers. Bombarded with images idealizing youth from both gay and mainstream media, its easy at midlife to internalize a sense of personal failurebeing over the hill, a has-been. Time to put away those disco pumps and plop on the couch, eat chocolates, and watch reruns of I Love Lucy.

Yet at 40 and beyond, many men arrive at a new sense of self-confidence. Gay men who have made it through this identity crisis are not as vulnerable to self-judgment or the opinions of younger men. We have wisdom from decades of experience to offer the rest of the gay communityand not just as a wise old auntie. We also have plenty to offer another man as a partnerwhether just for the night or for the rest of our lives.

Gay men often experience their early years as outsiders. This tendency is also reflected in changes at midlife: We finally arrive at our own sense of self, no longer conforming to social expectations, but with a keen perspective on the surrounding culture. Just as coming out required us to get in touch with our true nature, midlife is another major juncture in the development of our identity as gay men. Its a time when many of us reflect seriously on our lives, asking ourselves: Where have I been? Where am I going? What are my true interests? And what do I want to do with the rest of my life?

This project was stimulated by seeing a number of gay clients in my psychotherapy practice whose midlife struggles resonated with my own. I thought, Here are all these guys dealing with very similar issues, but in total isolation. Because of denial about midlife in the gay community, many men dont realize we have a lot of reactions in common. After years of being out and about as openly gay men, they often assume theyre the only ones experiencing self-doubt and uncertainty about this phase of life.

As a psychotherapist I often recommend support groups for people going through significant changesso I decided to take my own advice and started a group for myself. Out of that experience, some colleagues and I planned a series of workshops for gay men at midlife. This combination of dealing with my own changes and listening to others inspired me to write this book.

In the course of this project, I conducted in-depth interviews with ten gay men, who shared their stories and insights about this transition (see the appendix for a brief description of each participant). Throughout the book, these men describe how they have reevaluated earlier goals and decisions in the light of a deeply felt longing for intimacy, meaningful work, and a sense of fulfillment. Although this group is not a random sample, its members span a range of ages and occupations; ethnic and racial groups; HIV status; and philosophical or spiritual beliefs. Some are in relationships, some are single, and some have had lovers die in recent years. Mostly urban dwellers now, they come from many parts of the country. All of these men have thought a great deal about these issues in their own right, so in addition to sharing personal experiences, they offer observations about midlife challenges confronting their friends and lovers as well.

There is much research still to be done about how gay men are affected by this phase of life. This book is not intended as a definitive study, but as a description of a few mens experience in the context of some larger themes that Ive culled from the literature and seen in my practice. Its purpose is to help gay men counter oppressive stereotypes about growing older, affirm a positive midlife identity, and grapple more successfully with these changes.