Lloyd - Cooking My Way through My Husbands Midlife Crisis

Cooking My Way
through
My Husbands
Midlife Crisis

ARLEEN MARTIN LLOYD

Copyright 2014 Arleen Martin Lloyd
All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced by any mechanical. photographic, or electronic process or in the form of photographic recording, nor may it be stored in a retrieval system, transmitted or otherwise copied, for public or private use except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles and reviews without the written permission of the publisher.
ISBN: 1502403196
ISBN-13: 9781502403193
Library of Congress Control Number: 2015901397
CreateSpace Independent Publishing Platform
North Charleston, South Carolina

Dedication

Leo

I would have followed you to the ends of the earth.

I would have given up everything so we could always be together.

I would have sacrificed myself for your good, never regretting my choice.

I loved you with the very core of my being. There is no well deeper than my soul.

I wanted nothing more than the best for you.

I gave you everything I had, and searched for even more to give.

Im sad it wasnt enough to keep you.

Im sorry youre so unhappy.

Im sorry youve forgotten who we were; who we still are.

Im lost in the knowledge of your desire to walk away and never look back.

My lungs burn with sorrow.

My eyes cannot see the possibility of hope.

My ears can only hear your disdain.

My heart is shattered beyond repair.

Im ever so grateful for the sacrifices you made for me.

Im ever so grateful for the time we had together.

I will always remember you with kindness.

I hope you find what you are looking for.

I hope you find peace.

Contents

Acknowledgments

In my darkest hours those I thought would be at my side werent; those whose friendship I had cultivated over the years were.

Thank you Ruth for countless hours of comfort you gave while listening to me and watching me cry. You are the mother and sister I did not have.

Thank you Jean for sharing your insight and allowing me to vent, your thoughtfulness is truly appreciated.

Thank you Jim for being my surrogate father, my counselor and go to man whenever I needed you, and even when I didnt.

Thank you Katie for being in the right place at the right moment.

Thank you Irene for always worrying about me and making me laugh.

Thank you Susanne for showing me the answers were always inside of me.

And, thank you to the countless warriors who have traveled this road before me, your advice has been well heeded.

Thank you all for showing me the way back to me.

CHAPTER 1

The Bomb

All sorrows can be borne if you put them in a story or tell a story about them. Isak Dinesen

A few months ago, my husband of 26 years came to me wild eyed and anxious. He started to ramble about how he didnt want us to hate each other. He was frightened through his core, trying to tell me how things werent right between us and he didnt want us to end up hating each other.

I knew our relationship was strained. 5 years ago, I embarked on a new adventure, I opened a cooking school. My husband built the kitchen for me putting his heart and hard labor to work towards fulfilling this dream. Little did we realize this little kitchen would produce more than we could have imagined.

Our relationship has always centered on food, and travel; the nuances, the exploration, the seduction, the comfort. We loved eating out. Every night we ate a different ethnicity. Japanese, Chinese, Indian, Cuban, Jamaican, Italian, French, Spanish. The list goes on. And each and every one of our dinners became a memorable occasion to celebrate our youth. It was a wonderful time. And of course, all that food ended up on our waistlines. Both of us gained a tremendous amount of weight and we didnt pay attention to it whatsoever. It didnt matter. Then suddenly it did matter to him.

Fast forward to today, that first conversation became one of many; each one becoming more intense and debilitating for both he and myself. It is obvious my husband is lost in a field of landmines. Hes unhappy with everything, life in general. He no longer sees me as a wife or lover, but more like a family member. He wants more, so much more, but not with me. He isnt sure he wants a divorce. He doesnt know how he got to this point. And, no there doesnt seem to be another woman, at least I think there isnt. Hes unhappy, afraid and lost.

Ive heard it all and it seems the script is the same for many women. The standard announcement of I love you but am not in love with us along with Im not attracted to you and the I want to be friends and remain in your life. And the confusing behavior of one day warm and fuzzy to another day of arctic blasts seems the norm. It is so heart wrenching, I dont know how to be around him and honestly, Im not even sure if I want to anymore. Hes broken my heart in more ways than one. I could go into how Ive stood by him through thick and thin, or put up with his passive aggressive narcissistic behaviors. But, I wont. Its not important. Its the past. For my sake Ive got to stay in the present and look forward to the future.

Everything I read advocates taking care of oneself; physically, emotionally and spiritually. Putting your needs first and letting him find his own way. Theres a HUGE possibility that the way will be out the door permanently and a very small possibility he will stay as a new man. No one knows for sure. I do know one thing though; Im not in this alone. There are thousands of women and men of all walks of life experiencing exactly what Im going through and in the end were all brow beaten and torn, but we are survivors.

I decided I needed to occupy myself during this stressful time with what I love. Cooking and baking are my passion, I work at it all day, I live it, breathe it, teach it, and bless it every day. Food is so much deeper than any of us know. It is ever changing, healing, nourishing, demanding and defeating all at the same time. It is the most powerful thing in the world aside from water. It is fascinating. So, I thought, Ill cook and bake my way through this crisis. Ill feed everyone around me, including myself in more ways than one. Ill pour my sorrow, anger, despair, as well as, my happiness, delight and new found freedom into everything I do. Whether it be creating a wonderful meal or a wholesome bread or decadent dessert. Ill heal my soul one dish at a time, one dish at a time.

CHAPTER 2

The Plan

The first rule is to keep an untroubled spirit. The second is look things in the face and know them for what they are. Marcus Aurelius

M y husband has made it clear that he is not happy. Nothing new to me, he hasnt been happy for so long. Ive always believed and still do, his unhappiness lies within himself. Hes just not happy. I seem to provoke his anger, his disappointment, his rancor. For years Ive believed he hasnt been authentic or engaged. He now says he wants to stop living a lie. What lie, which lie, has everything been a lie?

Hes told me it makes him anxious and uncomfortable when I touch him. As if it is wrong. Hes told me weve created this wonderful friendship but that is all. He doesnt crave me has he ever? - always suffering from anxiety when it comes to intimacy. He doesnt like what he sees now that the years have passed. He says I look more and more like a man. He doesnt see me anymore; he only sees what he believes I should be. He recoils at my touch, he kisses the air, he walks in front so not to be seen with me, he eats alone, he sleeps alone. He is alone. Alone in his unhappiness.