Marie Phillips - Create Your Own Midlife Crisis: The Best Way to Make the Worst Decisions
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- Book:Create Your Own Midlife Crisis: The Best Way to Make the Worst Decisions
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Create Your Own Midlife Crisis: The Best Way to Make the Worst Decisions: summary, description and annotation
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Whats the worst that could happen?
Are you on the far side of forty and wondering how you ended up here? Do you secretly wish you could set flame to everything and walk away in slow motion, leave your tedious responsibilities and boring routines behind, and start life over again?
What if you could?
In the classic choose-your-own-path style, gives you unlimited chances to try all the roads not taken:
To quit your stupid job, turn to page 108.
To buy a motorcycle, turn to page 74.
To agree to a swingers night, turn to page 82.
To go clubbing with your mom, turn to page 68.
Whether its an affair with a younger man, trying ayahuasca, or just telling your boss to shove it, Create Your Own Midlife Crisis delivers over 150 exciting and hilarious ways to reinvent your life.
With illustrations and endless possibilities, this fun and affordable book is the PERFECT GIRLFRIENDs GIFT! It will make a hilarious birthday, retirement, Galentines, or girlfriends gift for anyone in their midlife years.
What to gift a girlfriend going through a divorce? Divorce can be difficult and painful, but these days, women are also making it fun and empoweringas evidenced in The Huffington Posts piece, Divorce Parties: Inside the Trend That Makes Ending a Marriage Look Fun. Create Your Own Midlife Crisis is the perfect gag gift for such an event.
A fun, easy escape from daily life: Whether youre looking for a fun way to pass the time on a 10-hour flight or just a quick 15-minute read before bed (because you are a busy Bosslady), this book is both easy to dip into and fun to get lost in.
Missing Choose-your-own-path books?Create Your Own Midlife Crisis will appeal to anyone who grew up reading choose-your-own-adventure books and loves the interactive experience of making reckless choices and discovering unexpected paths while reading.
Marie Phillips: author's other books
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First published in the United States of America in 2021 by Chronicle Books LLC.
Originally published in the United Kingdom in 2019 by Souvenir Press, an imprint of PROFILE BOOKS LTD.
Text copyright 2021 by Marie Phillips.
All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced in any form without written permission from the publisher.
Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
Names: Phillips, Marie, 1976author.
Title: Create your own midlife crisis : the best way to make the worst
decisions / Marie Phillips.
Description: San Francisco : Chronicle Prism, 2021.
Identifiers: LCCN 2020042857 | ISBN 9781797207100 (hardcover) | ISBN
9781797207124 (ebook)
Subjects: LCSH: Midlife crisisHumor. | Middle-aged personsHumor. |
Decision makingHumor. | Plot-your-own stories.
Classification: LCC PN6231.M47 P55 2021 | DDC 818/.602dc23
LC record available at https://lccn.loc.gov/2020042857
Cover design by Lindsey Cleworth.
Illustrations by Lindsey Cleworth.
Interior design by Pamela Geismar.
Typesetting by Maureen Forys, Happenstance Type-O-Rama. Typeset in Citrus Gothic and Futura.
Chronicle books and gifts are available at special quantity discounts to corporations, professional associations, literacy programs, and other organizations. For details and discount information, please contact our premiums department at corporatesales@chroniclebooks.com or at 1-800-759-0190.
Chronicle Prism is an imprint of Chronicle Books LLC, 680 Second Street, San Francisco, California 94107
www.chronicleprism.com
Midway through the journey of our life
I found myself within a dark wood
Where the straight path had been lost.
Dante Alighieri, The Divine Comedy
This is a book unlike any other, particularly any that is under copyright. Instead of following a storyline set for you by the author, YOU are the creator of your own destiny.
You are a woman in midlife, with a husband, a daughter, and a successful career, but the nagging sense that something is missing.
You will need all your intelligence and ingenuity as you weave your way through the perilous midlife maze, with DANGER at every turn. Will you:
Sext your married colleague?
Get a very small tattoo?
Go to a nightclub with your mother?
Run away to Brazil?
YOU DECIDE.
You have nothing to lose except your marriage, your career, and your self-respect.
Its a Friday morning. You are in a meeting. By your estimate, this meeting has been going on for 472 years. By your watch, it has been going on for nineteen minutes. There is one hour and forty-one minutes left to go. Your boss is presenting a sales strategy that you have already had seven meetings about and that will be changed beyond recognition the moment it is sent up to her boss. To your left, a junior account executive keeps snifflinghuge, wet sniffles that sound like an elephant snorting molasses. To your right is Hot Russell, who you nearly kissed once at an offsite meeting in Iowa City before remembering that you are both married. Hot Russell is stifling a yawn and checking a text message under the table. As he looks up, you catch his eye.
If you want to write a message to Hot Russell, turn to .
If you want to tell your boss that this meeting is a waste of everybodys time, turn to .
If you want to give the junior account executive a tissue, turn to .
What do you do? asks the man with multiple piercings who smells of wheat. He has a Brazilian accent.
You explain, in some detail, the boring office job that you used to do before you decided to run away to Brazil. You notice that the very little, very old lady sitting on the other side of you is falling asleep.
How about you? you say eventually.
Im a shaman.
You experience some regret about how much detail you decided to go into about, for example, spreadsheets.
The man with the piercings explains that he runs ayahuasca ceremonies for tourists (only he doesnt say tourists, he says discerning travelers) in the Amazon jungle. It is a very profound spiritual experience, he says. A precious rite of passage. I can let you do it for free if youll teach me how to use Excel. I really struggle with the bookkeeping, because Im high almost all of the time.
Maybe all that spreadsheet talk wasnt such a bad idea.
To take the shaman up on his offer, turn to .
To take your chances on your own in Brazil, turn to .
No thanks, you tell your dad.
Why not? says your dad. Itll be fun! Well match!
You run through all the possible answers in your head. Because you dont like tattoos. Because you are worried that you will look ridiculous with a tattoo when you are old. Because you are scared that it will hurt. None of these are things that you can say to your father, who has just gotten a tattoo himself.
Oh, OK then, you say. Ill get a tattoo.
Thats my girl!
You add this to the lengthy list of things you really didnt want to do that your dad has pressured you into over the years, including eating liver, swimming in the Atlantic Ocean in February, and having dinner with the son of that friend of his from work.
Turn to .
Shaking, you get to your feet. Your boss stops speaking and puts the lid back on the magic marker she was using to draw a completely pointless graph. The click of the lid is impossibly loud.
Yes? she says.
Cheryl, you say. I think I speak for all of us when I say that if I spend another second in this meeting my brain is going to melt and dribble out of my ears.
She doesnt speak for me, says the junior account executive.
Thats because your brain is already coming out of your nose, you say.
Are you feeling OK? says Cheryl.
Are you feeling OK? It is a good question. Your husband has been warning you for a while that youve been working too hard and are heading for burnout. Maybe this is burnout. Or maybe you just really hate your job.
To apologize to your boss, turn to .
To tell your boss where to shove her job, turn to .
Hot Russell stands up. I need to make a report of sexual harassment in the workplace, he says.
He hands his phone with the topless picture on it to your boss. Your boss looks at it, her face going pale. As you await your fate, your predicament is made yet worse by noticing that she has much nicer boobs than yours.
I think you and I had better step into my office, your boss says to you. The rest of you can go. Ill get Agatha to reschedule the meeting.
You notice the sniffly junior account executive and the vice president of marketing giving each other a surreptitious high five. They have probably bonded by both having faulty noses, you think.
Your boss leads the way to her office. You follow her. For a crazy moment, it occurs to you that you could just run away into the street. Thats insane, you think. What kind of a person would run away from their office into the street?
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