Mike Haskins - How to Survive a Midlife Crisis: Tongue-In-Cheek Advice and Cheeky Illustrations about Being Middle-Aged

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HOW TO SURVIVE A MIDLIFE CRISIS

Copyright Clive Whichelow and Mike Haskins, 2019

Illustrations by Kate Rochester

All rights reserved.

No part of this book may be reproduced by any means, nor transmitted, nor translated into a machine language, without the written permission of the publishers.

Clive Whichelow and Mike Haskins have asserted their right to be identified as the authors of this work in accordance with sections 77 and 78 of the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988.

Condition of Sale

This book is sold subject to the condition that it shall not, by way of trade or otherwise, be lent, resold, hired out or otherwise circulated in any form of binding or cover other than that in which it is published and without a similar condition including this condition being imposed on the subsequent purchaser.

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eISBN: 978-1-78685-393-6

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CONTENTS

Introduction

Well, the first thing to do is admit that you're going through a midlife crisis. It's OK, your secret's safe with us. Others may have spotted those little warning signs: buying leather trousers, hankering after a souped-up sports car or a 1000-cc Harley Davidson. But you've explained them away. Leather trousers are so much easier to wipe clean when you spill your porridge on them; that two-seater sports car makes so much more sense when you're not having to convey the entire family to theme parks and zoos any more, and that big bad motorbike with the ape-hanger handlebars, well, er...

See, you're not convincing anyone are you? Not even yourself.

So, the first step in surviving a midlife crisis is to own up. Not 'fess up', note, as that looks like a desperate attempt to be down with the kids and speak in hip urban argot, which is a dead giveaway that you are going through an MLC. See, it doesn't sound so bad when you abbreviate it does it? It sounds like one of those gongs the Queen dishes out on her birthday. I've been awarded the MLC dontcha know?!

So, don't deny it, embrace it. In fact, if you embrace the thing hard enough you might just kill it at birth.

This little book will guide you, step by tentative step through the pitfalls, boobytraps and shark-infested waters that lay before you in the midlife crisis jungle. Don't worry, we're going to get through this together, with or without leather trousers!

SCIENTIFIC FACTS

A midlife crisis usually only lasts between three and ten years after that you can pass it off as senility

Eighty per cent of middle-aged people suffer a midlife crisis; the other 20 per cent deny they are middle-aged

Your musical ability will not suddenly increase the moment you spend a month's wages on an electric guitar or a piano

An MLC can start from as young as 35 which for some people is only just out of their extended teenage years

WAYS YOUR FRIENDS AND FAMILY MAY TRIGGER A MIDLIFE CRISIS

They point out how much you're beginning to resemble your parents

You realise you kiss your dog more often than your partner

Since you put that video of him on YouTube, your cat has been earning more than you

They buy you an exercise bike for your birthday (hint, hint!)

WHAT A MIDLIFE CRISIS MEANS FOR YOU

Trying to relive the fashions of your youth without actually having the same size body any more

Spending six months' wages on a racing bike and Lycra that you will only use about twice a year

Realising the only way you can turn a few heads is by driving past in a fancy new car

Feeling the need to wear a hat at all times even when you're at home in bed

Having a pin-up of your favourite band member as your computer screen saver

Getting into facial contouring and wondering if it works on bodies as well

---

GETTING READY TO GO OUT NOW INVOLVES AN EXTENSIVE RENOVATION PROJECT

---

HOW TO MAKE YOUR MIDLIFE CRISIS FUN

Stop calling it a midlife crisis and start calling it Teenagehood Part Two

Switch from your golden oldies radio station to online streaming

Look on the humorous side of your midlife crisis tell people you are making a satirical attack on ageing

Wear silly clothes and behave in a ridiculous manner if that's not what you're doing already

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