Mike Haskins - 3000 Jokes, 2997 Laughs

Sammy is soon to be 100 years old. He has never touched alcohol, he doesnt smoke or eat rich food and he has been celibate for his whole adult life. The local newspaper send a reporter to ask how he is going to celebrate his birthday. I have absolutely no idea, says Sammy.

Apparently these days the great majority of accidents occur in the home. So a bit of good news for homeless people for once.

Dwayne tells Josh, Ive had terrible news. My girlfriend was in a car crash and shes lost both her legs. How terrible, says Josh. Yes it is, says Dwayne. I bought her a pair of jeans for her birthday and its too late to get a refund.

A man sends a text to his wife: Darling, Ive been in a terrible car accident. Anna got me to the hospital but the doctors say that Ive got a fractured skull, a wound that will require 19 stitches, three broken ribs and its possible I will never walk again. The wife texts back, Who the **** is Anna!?

A midair collision occurred this afternoon involving two pedestrians when a skydiver collided with a man doing the high jump.

The police knock on Bills front door and show him a photograph of his wife. Is this your wife, sir? they ask. Yes, says Bill. Whats the matter? Im afraid it looks like shes been hit by a lorry, says the policeman. Thats not a very nice thing to say, says Bill. And anyway shes got a lovely personality.

Dick goes to visit Harry in the hospital and finds him wrapped from head to foot in bandages. What happened? asks Dick. I fell through a plate-glass window, says Harry. That sounds bad, says Dick, but there again, look on the bright side. If you hadnt been wrapped in all those bandages, youd probably have been cut to ribbons.

Last night Barry fell asleep at the wheel. It was terrible. Clay and bits of pot all over the place.

There was a bit of a disaster at our local air show last weekend. It started raining so in the end the Red Arrows had to attempt their display in the church hall.

Ted tells Norman, Did you hear that Frank is dead? He was driving over to my house and when he arrived he braked too suddenly, the car turned over, he was thrown out of the sunroof and crashed through my bedroom window. So was that what killed him? asks Norman. No, says Ted, he landed on my bed covered in broken glass, reached to pull himself up but instead pulled the wardrobe down, crushing himself under it. OK. So he was killed when the wardrobe crushed him? says Norman. No, says Ted. He crawled out from underneath, made it to the staircase, crashed through the banisters, dragged himself into the kitchen, knocked a pan of boiling water over himself, reached up to get the phone but grabbed the light switch instead and caused an electric shock to shoot through him which set fire to the kitchen. Right, says Norman, so that must have been what killed him. No, says Ted, he survived all that but then I came home, saw what was going on and shot him. Why did you shoot him? asks Norman. I had no choice, says Ted. He was destroying my house.

Oliver ended up in hospital after a visit to a local furniture store ended up in him being buried under an avalanche of 50 pillows and 100 cushions. The hospital has described his condition as being very comfortable.

A drunk falls from a high window into the street. A crowd gathers and a policeman pushes through the crowd to reach the man. What happened here? asks the policeman. How should I know? says the drunk. I only just got here myself.

Beryl is driving her car when she sees a truck shedding its load all over the highway. Being a good Samaritan she pulls ahead of the vehicle and forces it to stop. What are you doing? calls the driver. I had to stop you! says Beryl. Youre dropping stuff all over the road! Of course I am! says the driver. This is a gritting truck.

This morning I saw a poor old lady fall over in the street. Well, I say she was poor. She only had 50p in her purse at the time.

A biker gets into a bar fight and when hes finished pounding the other guy, he finds all the buttons have been pulled off his jacket. Not wishing to get cold on the way home he puts the jacket on backwards to stop it flapping in the wind. Unfortunately, hes had a little too much to drink and winds up crashing into a tree. An hour later the coroner and ambulance driver are staring at the bikers corpse lying on a slab in the morgue. Its a damn shame, says the ambulance driver. He wasnt looking too bad when we found him. He only passed away after I twisted his head back round the right way.

Cecil has invented an infallible method for surviving plane crashes: you just wait by the door and step out when its a couple of feet off the ground.

Sammy is blind and is being interviewed by the police about the death of a man who jumped out of a nearby office building. He must have jumped off the tenth floor at least, says Sammy. How could you tell that? asks the policeman. Another witness said he jumped off the second floor. No, says Sammy. If hed jumped from the second floor, Id have heard him go, Thump Aargh! What I heard was Arrrrrrgh Thump!

Lenny walks into a bar, does a triple somersault, two back flips and a cartwheel and lands himself slap-bang on one of the barstools. Wow, says the barman. Im impressed. I didnt know the circus was in town. Are you some kind of acrobat? No, says Larry. Im a bookkeeper. I just tripped on my shoelace.

Algernon was an ageing actor. Each night when he went into the kitchen and opened his fridge door, he took a bow when the little light came on.

GIVE ME A COUPLE OF YEARS AND ILL MAKE THAT ACTRESS AN OVERNIGHT SUCCESS.

SAMUEL GOLDWYN

Jasper is an elderly stage actor who gets a small role in a romantic melodrama. He doesnt have much to do at the beginning of the second act he comes on stage with a rose blossom held in his fingertips and says, Ah, the divine smell of my dear wife. The rehearsals go well, but on the first night Jasper is baffled by the audiences reaction. He says the line, smells the flower in his fingers and the audience bursts into laughter. He comes off-stage and says to the producer, What happened? Did I say the line wrong? No, says the producer. You forgot the rose.

THE SCENE IS DULL. TELL HIM TO PUT MORE LIFE INTO HIS DYING.

SAMUEL GOLDWYN

Larry the actor goes on his first solo skydive. The instructor reminds him to count to three then pull his rip-cord. Larry jumps, but plummets to the ground. Luckily he lands in a haystack and only breaks both his legs. The instructor comes to visit him in hospital. What happened? he asks. Did you count like I told you to? Sorry, love, says Larry. I forgot my line.

The only perfect marriage was between Adam and Eve she never had to hear about the quality of her mother-in-laws cooking and he never had to hear about all the men Eve could have married.

Barrys son was caught sniffing Tippex. Hes been sent away to a correction centre.

Ive spent years struggling with an addiction to alcohol gel but now Im finally clean.

For years I struggled to overcome my addiction to doing the hokey cokey. Recently though Ive managed to turn myself around, and thats what its all about.

Nancys doctor doesnt know what to do with her. It seems shes become addicted to counselling.

I went to the doctor because of my addiction to glue. He said he was giving me some special strips like Nicorette patches that would help get me off the glue. Actually, I think he just gave me some Sellotape. But its been quite good because Ive been able to use it to wax my bikini line at the same time.