Ashley LeMieux - I Am Here: The Journey from Fear to Freedom

For my mom and dad, who taught me how to

use my own voice and never tried to quiet it

A ll I wanted to do was run.

After a long court battle that spanned most of our late twenties, the children my husband, Mike, and I had been raising as our own were returned to their biological family. Home was empty without them, life was empty without them, and distance seemed like the only respite. We booked a flight to Italy three weeks after they left us. I was insistent that we go, sure that the farther I went, the faster I went, the less pain I would feel.

I believed a lie: If I was moving, I was moving forward. If I was going, I was growing. I believed that I could and should outrun my pain, but by refusing to feel it, all I was doing was running in place.

Three days into our trip, I sat down in the middle of a square in Florence and found myself next to a mom and her daughter. They were eating chocolate eclairs from the same bakery that Mike and I had already stopped at several times over the course of the previous days. The smell of the dough and sugar made it impossible to ever pass it by. It was spring, so all the shop doors were wide open, the air was brisk, and the sun invited us to stay outside until it got dark. The cobblestone streets felt like someone had put us right into the middle of a movie scene, and I had been doing my best to soak it all in. I was brought back to reality when suddenly the little girl shrieked. In her tiny palm she held a tooth the size of a sesame seed. Obviously, the first she had lost. They giggled and hugged and twirled.

Id lived that moment with my own daughter, and I watched them knowing I would never live another moment with my daughter like it again. The memory hit hard and my stomach lurched. I didnt want to be in that moment anymore; I wanted to escape. I got up and sprinted down crumbling alleyways shaded by clotheslines and past terrazzos filled with packs of tourists eating gobs of gelato. I dodged scooters and sightseers. I got lost. That day, I finally realized that pain is something you cant outrun. No matter how fast or far I went, I wasnt really moving forward. I was stuck. And I had been stuck for a long time.

The feeling accompanied me wherever I went, even if my body kept moving. It hung like an invisible cage over me, as if I were in a maze without a real way out. I felt confused and powerless. Id stopped trusting myself to make decisions, wondering if I was actually going anywhere, and if I was, if I even wanted to be there. I felt bruised from banging my body against the same brick wall of pain, not knowing how to get my life around the immovable force that had me trapped. Feeling stuck is the torment of unlived dreams, unanswered prayers, and a deeper underlying fear that life will stay that way forever.

Right outside the Duomo, I stopped. With tears running down my puffy cheeks and sweat dripping down my back, I threw my hands up in the air and screamed to the city, I am here! I am right here!

I heard my own voice ricochet off the old stone building and for the first time in ages, I felt its power. It alarmed me at first. I hadnt heard my voice for so long, and I was uncertain if I was even allowed to feel the newfound strength that was tingling throughout my body. Id forgotten about the girl buried inside of me who was so full of life, and I was surprised that she was still in there. I decided to test it again, and yelled, from the deepest part of my belly with my hands straight up to the sky, I am here! I am right here!

Today I believe that those words, shouted aloud in that moment, surrounded by the pigeons and street musicians and fountain spray, saved my life. That patch of sidewalk was where I went from stuck to actually stepping forward into freedom. And I believe that today, with this book as a guide, you can step forward too.

As Ive worked with women over the years, Ive seen how stuck can look like something as seemingly small as life taking an unexpected turn to the pain of grief and loss. Sometimes we get tripped up by not knowing what we want to do next in our lives, and other times by larger circumstances beyond our control. Whether youve been stuck for a day or a year, I want to help you take the first step toward getting unstuck, to find your own moment of realization and ability to shout: I am here!

* * *

Before we get started, I need you to understand a few things about the work were about to do.

First, if youre searching for an easy way out, this book isnt for you. Not yet anyway. The work that were about to do together isnt about escaping your pain, its about embracing it. There is no easy, pain-free magic spell that simply takes us from where we are and plops us down right where we want to be. If that were the case, Id be sitting in Disneyland right now with caramel apple dripping from my face, while my kids sit next to me inhaling their ice cream, squealing about the next ride. Im not here to show you a way out of your life; Im here to show you a way into it, and, my friend, the terrain ahead is as rough as it is beautiful.

Second, Im not the expert on your life. You are. What I want is to help you believe that. Ill be your guide, your cheering section, a fellow traveler even, but this is your journey. You need you.

Last, you are not alone. I am here with you. Throughout the course of my own healing, I learned that there are thousands of us navigating these same feelings of self-doubt, frustration, and hopelessness. Youre not the only one, so set down that shame and know that you are exactly the person for whom I wrote these words. You are in the right place and I am honored to be here with you, to teach you, and to watch you walk forward out of pain and despair and into triumph, hope, and clarity. You could use a little victory right now in your life. If you dont believe you can have a win anymore, stick with me. You will believe it by the end of our time together.

In the pages that follow, Ill share my journey toward clarity and freedom to aid you in creating a meaningful life. Ill show how I created forward movement in my life using three key strategies: reframing thoughts, reimagining the future, and reclaiming power.

Reframing thoughts has become one of my greatest advantages in getting unstuck and is what we will explore in the first section of the book. I have learned that often the feelings of fear, anger, failure, and the desperation to let go are actually feelings that can serve us if we get to the root of why we are really experiencing them. Reframing thoughts is the first step to creating a powerful present and opens up the possibility of a new future.

Next, I want to give you some practical tools that will help you find a way out of feeling trapped in whatever circumstances have brought you here. In the second section, Ill introduce you to my most powerful planning tool, the Clarity Map. Thats right, Im not just giving you a metaphorical map! Toward the middle of the book you might want to keep a pen and paper handy. Clarity Mapping is a simple, essential brainstorming practice designed to help you determine your goals, break them down into clear, actionable steps, move toward them, and sustain that forward momentum. I use it to make every large and small decision in my life, and its the single most useful tool I implement with my coaching clients. Clarity Mapping can be like a trusted friend who redirects me back to the one resource that I always need to feel fulfillment and purpose: myself.

Armed with a new way of thinking that frees you from the past and a map to creating a life you love, you will be prepared to finally reclaim your power in the final section of this book. Ill walk alongside you as you declare who you are using seven bold affirmations, uncovering a newfound love and commitment to yourself. My hope is that when you put down this book, you will walk forward toward your future with confidence.