Peace Amadi - Why Do I Feel Like This?: Understand Your Difficult Emotions and Find Grace to Move Through

I REMEMBER THE FIRST TIME I heard Chris Tomlins Good Good Father. I was a first-timer at a small group for a church Id been newly attending. I had a slight crush on the small group leader, so I was very on time, alert, and ready to receive. But my divided attention quickly became undivided when the groups worship person cued the music and Chris Tomlins lyrics filled the room:

Youre a good good Fatherits who you are...

And Im loved by youits who I am...

I wasnt new to faith. Quite the veteran, actually, with a rsum full of church leadership positions and some sort of record, Im sure, for the number of retreats Id attended. But something about the words made me feel new. Almost like I was seeing the most important thing about God for the first time and hearing his most important thoughts about me. Of all the different things Id come to believe about myselfvia messages from society, media, friends, so-called friends, romantic partners, therapists, teachers, mentorsand all the different labels, descriptions, and names Id been given, loved was the one I wanted to hang on to. Loved was decidedly my favorite.

Loved is the most important thing about who we are. But there sure are a lot of other characteristics, arent there?

For starters, were needy. We need love, attention, and care. We need connection and community. We need to feel important and significant. We need a sense of meaning for our lives and to be purposeful and creative.

We value and pursue relationships, but we get hurt and grow resentful. We harbor bitterness and unforgiveness. We have a hard time letting things go.

We work hard for what we want but easily grow tired, weary, and discouraged. We let self-doubt take over our minds and rob us of motivation and energy.

Sometimes were greedy and selfish. Sometimes were self- centered and ungrateful. And at any given moment, there could be an overflow of negative thoughts and emotions that results in anxiety, insecurity, envy, or depression.

Can you imagine what Chris Tomlins song would have been like had he tried to include the full reality of who we are? I mean, just picture it:

Youre a good good Father

Its who you are, its who you are, its who you are

And Im a needy, greedy, selfish, unforgiving, and ungrateful

human being struggling with a problem

Its who I am, its who I am, its who I am

Thank God he kept the song simple. Thank God he had the good sense to focus on what God wanted us to hold on to the most.

But even though we are all of the things above and more, its okay. Its understandable. Because all of it together is what makes us human. Loving, helping, and serving is no more human than hurting, raging, and struggling. We are both beneficiaries and captives of our own humanity. We are all just trying our best.

This is what I would tell you if, like many of my students and clients over the years, you were to burst through my office doors with tear-stained eyes and dwindling hope that you will ever heal from your heartbreak. Or what I would tell you if you were to call me late at night, wondering if youll ever be able to get right. Or what I would tell you if you lost your zeal for life and let it slip so that youre no longer sure you want to be here.

I would tell you its okay that you feel this way. I would tell you that youre brave for acknowledging the ugly stuff. I would help you see the strength in your vulnerability. Because Im all about taking the sting out of things. That sting is the pain of toxic shameand theres no place for it in your healing.

My hope and prayer for you as you move through these pages is that God would fill you with grace, compassion, and understanding. Perhaps youre great at offering these to others, but Im asking that you extend them to yourself. If youre struggling with hurt, heartbreak, discouragement, or any of the other emotions covered in this book, I dont wish you to stay where you are. I dont wish you endless weeks of pain and frustration. I wish you health, joy, and freedom. But if theres one thing Ive learned as a mental health professional, its that you cant hate yourself into healing. You have to love yourself right on through it. If God himself, perfect as he is, can love us in the middle of it all, who the heck are we not to?