Sara Wallace - For the Love of Discipline: When the Gospel Meets Tantrums and Time-Outs

We were on vacation at the coast a few years ago. We sat at a coffee shop perched on a rocky mountainside overlooking the ocean and nervously watched our toddler explore his new surroundings. A family sitting nearby had a little girl a few months older than our son. She flitted around the rocky cliffs, and her parents smiled and told us, She is such a free spirit! We never interfere with her independence. The people sitting around us smiled. There seemed to be an unspoken respect for these freedom-loving parents.

Until the little girl bolted across the busy street.

Her parents didnt even notice she was gone until a customer at the coffee shop looked up and screamed. Thankfully, she was not hurt. Her parents, white with horror, gathered her up and quickly left the shop amid headshakes and disapproving frowns.

Undisciplined children are not children with more freedom. They are children in exceedingly more dangernot just physically but spiritually. Foolishness is bound up in the heart of a child (Prov. 22:15 NASB). If that verse doesnt give you the chills, read it again. Our children are utterly incapable of freeing themselves from their own foolishness. While it is not within our power to make our children Christians, God has sovereignly placed us in their lives to help drive their foolishness out. That can happen only with loving discipline.

So what is discipline? We often associate discipline solely with consequencessomething we do to our kids when they disobey. If we stop there, we will miss the depth and beauty of Gods plan for discipline. The Greek word for discipline is paideia , which means the whole training and educating of children, which relates to the cultivation of mind and morals. Yes, discipline involves training and consequences, but that cultivation in the definition above takes place in the rich soil of shepherding, nourishing, and cherishing our children. Just as we feed them food to care for their bodies, our discipline feeds their minds and souls. Discipline prompts them to do whats right and prevents them from doing whats wrong.

As Christian parents we recognize that this involves hard work and pain because we will be met with resistance. But our goal is always for our kids growth and maturity in the Lord. When we look at it in this light, we see that discipline, while sometimes unpleasant, is always good. The purpose of this book is to look at the whole training of our children within the context of daily, practical discipline skills.

This summer my toddler got his first splinter. The skin around it instantly got red and puffy. He was in pain and helpless to get it out on his own. I had a choice. I could let it go and risk infection and further pain, or I could get the dreaded tweezers. As much as my son hated being pinched and poked by the tweezers (and as much as I hated doing it), I knew that the short-term pain was for the long-term good. The end result was that the splinter came out and my sons hand could heal. Discipline itself is often not fun, but the bigger picture motivates us to press on.

Its helpful to look at what discipline is not . Discipline is not:

• a list of creative punishments
• a response to being inconvenienced
• an outlet for frustration
• embarrassment insurance for when your kids are in front of your friends

Discipline is not something we do to our kids, but something we do for them. It is a lifestyle. It doesnt need its own category; its woven all throughout family life. But it doesnt happen by accident. When you have tiny ones, its easy to think, Of course we will discipline for really bad stuff, but our kids dont really need it right now . But discipline is not a well cross that bridge when we get there situation. If you have kids, youre already at the bridge. You arrived the day they were born. You need a game plan.

Harry Randall Truman died of one of the most preventable causes known to man: he wouldnt get off the volcano. He had all the information telling him that Mt. Saint Helens was going to erupt and plenty of people willing to help him leave, but he was content to wait and see what would happen. On May 18th, 1980, he found out. Saying Ill deal with discipline when the time comes is like saying Ill wait until the volcano erupts, and then Ill decide what to do. True, we dont know exactly what the future holds for our parenting. But there are a few basic truths we do know that can help us come up with a game plan.

Organic or inorganic? Cloth diapers or disposable? To vaccinate or not to vaccinate? There are so many choices you will make as a parent. When it comes to discipline, God has not given us the option of whether to do it or not. Discipline is an inseparable part of godly parenting that we cannot choose to relinquish. Ephesians 6:4 calls us to bring our children up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord. Proverbs 13:24 says, He who loves [his son] is diligent to discipline him.

If youre on the fence about discipline and your head is spinning from all the different perspectives and advice, dont ask yourself if youre going to discipline, but rather how . As we will explore in this book, discipline is not something to fear. It is the greatest adventure of love you will embark on with your kids.

Often discipline seems intimidating because we dont feel qualified. And, on our own, we are not qualified. But our call to discipline is not based on our own merits. Its not because we are smarter than our kids or because we are bigger than they are. As the authority in our homes, we reflect Gods authority. Nothing could be more humbling. Discipline is an opportunity to reflect the character of God, not our own pride. In Shepherding a Childs Heart , Tedd Tripp says,

God calls you to exercise authority, not in making your children do what you want, but in being true servantsauthorities who lay down our lives. The purpose for your authority in the lives of your children is not to hold them under your power, but to empower them to be self-controlled people living freely under the authority of God.

Not only does this humble us, but it should inspire us to be diligent to discipline our kids every day. We represent God, and God does not sit down on the job. If we are lax in our discipline, we know we have an enemy who is waiting for an opportunity. We must be sober-minded; be watchful. Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour (1 Peter 5:8). We are engaged in a battle for our kids hearts. We are on the front lines for the sake of our kids before they are even old enough to know the spiritual forces working against them.

When I was a teacher, I remember a colleague saying, You cant teach what you are not. It didnt really start to sink in until I had kids. If I was going to set expectations for them, I had to make sure I was ready to model those expectations. I saw a meme floating around Facebook that captures this idea from a moms perspective: My child will only be as in charge of his emotions as I am of mine. Ouch.

The first step in disciplining our kids is disciplining ourselves. When we fail to set a good example, we still have a beautiful opportunity to point our kids to the love and forgiveness we have in Christ. This has a chain reaction: they look to us and we look to Christ, ultimately channeling their vision to our glorious God. If our eyes arent fixed on Christ, our kids will look to us and find a dead end. We need to be in Gods Word and on our knees on a regular basis. Our kids will say what we say, act the way we act, and begin to view God the way we view God. Do our words and actions show our kids that God is worthy to be obeyed? Do our lives reflect the peace that can be found only in Christ?