Barbara Coloroso - Kids Are Worth It! : Giving Your Child The Gift Of Inner Discipline

Kids Are Worth It

Three Kinds of Families

Threats, Punishment, Bribes, and Rewards

The Triangle of InfluenceEncouragment, Feedback, and Discipline

Three Alternatives to No and Other Plan Bs

I Can Be Me

Keeping Your Cool without Putting Your Feelings on Ice

Realities, Mistakes, and Problems

Getting Your Kid Out of Jail and Other Mega-Problems

Settling Sibling Rivalry without Calling in the Cavalry

The Big C and the Three Rs: Chores, Relaxation, Recreation, and Rebellion

Money Matters

Mealtime

Bedtime Doesnt Have to Be a Nightmare

Ready, Sit, GoToilet Training

Sexuality Is Not a Four-Letter Word

M y road to parenting was anything but a direct route. In the late 1960s, at the age of seventeen, I entered a Franciscan convent to become a nun, and began my freshman year at university to become a special education teacher. Little did I know then that the path to these two goals would radically influence my parenting skills years later. The special education courses I took during my first year were based on a behaviorist model, full of rewards and punishments, charts, stickers, stars, threats, and bribes. The model worked with rats; surely it would work with kids. Something didnt seem right about manipulating rats and kids with rewards and punishments, threats and bribes, but I couldnt put into words the discomfort I was feeling, and besides, I didnt know what to use in their place.

The following year, entering the canonical novitiate, also known as a year of silence and reflection, I immersed myself in the study of philosophy and theology. It was during this time that I began to challenge what I had learned in my education courses. I carried on long arguments in my head, similar to the arguments I find myself in now with my three teenagers. And the arguments in my head then were as futile as the arguments with my teenagers now. Since there was no decisive winner or loser, when I began my teaching career I tried to reconcile the teaching methods with my philosophical tenets, but that didnt work either. Believing kids were worth it simply because they were, not because they produced or behaved in a way I wanted them to, didnt match with rewarding appropriate behavior and ignoring or punishing inappropriate behavior. Not treating them in a way I myself would not want to be treated conflicted with making them mind for their own good. And using techniques that left their dignity and my dignity intact didnt connect with withholding food from rats or kids. What did all of this have to do with the Latin roots of disciplining with authority, that is, giving life to a childs learning? Could children become responsible, resourceful, and resilient if they were controlled, manipulated, and made to mind? Could they develop a sense of inner discipline if all of the control came from outside?

kids are worth it! giving your child the gift of inner discipline is my answer to those questions. The answer is more an approach to parenting than a collection of techniques. Believing kids are worth it, not treating them in a way I would not want to be treated, and behaving in a way that leaves our dignity intact are not themselves specific tools; rather, they provide an attitude and an environment that helps me help my children develop a sense of self-discipline.

With a husband and three kids, I am obviously no longer a nun. I am also not a perfect parent. In the midst of the many trials and errors I have had in raising them, I have often told my three kids how lucky they were not to have a perfect parent. Anna has just as often replied, You are so lucky; you dont have perfect kids either. Maria has been known to ask, How come you dont always do what you tell other people to do? And Joseph once asked a group of teachers, who had just attended one of my lectures, if they would like him to be good or bad. They laughed, I groaned, and with an innocent look on his face, Joseph remarked, Well, they want to see what you would do either way. The following pages are what I do, have done, would have done, wished I had done, and plan to do next time.

These are only hints and guesses,

Hints followed by guesses; and the rest

Is prayer, observance, discipline, thought and action.

T. S. E LIOT , F OUR QUARTETS

Believe nothing merely because you have been told itDo not believe what your teacher tells you merely out of respect for the teacher. But whatsoever, after due examination and analysis, you find to be kind, conducive to the good, the benefit, the welfare of all beingsthat doctrine believe and cling to and take it as your guide.

B UDDHIST A PHORISM

You have come here to find what you already have.

B UDDHIST A PHORISM