Barbara Coloroso - Parenting Through Crisis: Helping Kids in Times of Loss, Grief, and Change

In Memory of Marty Jenco, My Mentor and Friend November 27, 1934-July 19, 1996

On January 8, 1985, Father Marty Jenco was kidnapped on the streets of Beirut, Lebanon, and was held hostage until July 26, 1986. His captivity was a journey of chaos, loss, hope, and healing for himself and for all of us who call him friend.

A Servite missionary who officiated at my wedding and was the godfather of my three children, Marty was also my mentor and guide. As he was writing his book, Bound to Forgive: The Pilgrimage to Reconciliation of a Beirut Hostage, he would send me drafts to read. We would talk for hours about his captivity and how it had changed his life. Throughout all of the telling of the horrors and abuse, there was a gentleness and a reverence for himself and those who held him captive.

He died of pancreatic cancer and was buried ten years to the day of his release. His life, his works, his words, and his love have greatly influenced mine. This humble Servite priest taught me, a former Franciscan nun, the true meaning of the Peace Prayer of Saint Francis:

God, make me a channel of your peace.

Where there is hatred, let me sow love;

Where there is injury, pardon;

Where there is doubt, faith;

Where there is despair, hope;

Where there is darkness, light;

Where there is sadness, joy.

Grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled as to console;

To be understood, as to understand;

To be loved, as to love;

For it is in giving that we receive;

In pardoning, that we are pardoned;

In dying, that we are born to eternal life.

Martys writings are a powerful testimony to the human spirit from a man who, bound in chains, found the strength to be compassionate and the wisdom to forgive. His journey gives witness to the joy and peace that come with peacemaking. I am grateful to have shared in his journey.

The plumber has just handed you the bill for repairing the damage done by your toddler and his friend when they created a tidal wave in the bathtub.

Your eldest arrives home from college with a tattoo she assures you most people will never see.

Your fifteen-year-old wants to pierce just one more body part.

Your father-in-law phones to let you know it will be over his dead body that his Alzheimers-stricken mother will go to a nursing home.

Your mother-in-law is dead tired after spending two hours looking for the same mother, who wandered away from the backyard for the third time this week.

Your sisters husband has left her and their three teenagers, to marry a woman five years older than his eldest daughter.

Your niece phones to ask if she and her boyfriend could stay in your guest room over the holiday because she knows you are so much more reasonable than her parents.

Your childhood friend turns in the manuscript for his eighteenth book, drives up into the mountains he loves, and hangs himself.

Your neighbors have invited you to their daughters coming-out party and you dont think they were referring to a debutante ball, and its okay and its about time.

Your middle childs friend asks if his stepsister and half brother can ride in the car pool this week, since his fathers new wifes mother is taking care of them, and she doesnt drive.

A woman down the block is having a fund-raiser to help pay for the high-dose chemotherapy with stem-cell rescue that the specialists say is the best chance her twenty-nine-year-old husband has to get rid of his brain tumor. The insurance company wont pay because three of its doctors say the treatment is experimental.

Across the road, the triplets born through frozen-embryo transplant are celebrating their tenth birthday on the same day their new brother arrives on a plane.

A child is selling his Ritalin at school, while another is selling a weapon.

A solicitation letter pleads for a donation, warning that with a click of a mouse your child can connect with a pen pal or a pedophile, and only your money can stop the madness.

Your boss called the most recent layoffs in your department downsizing and rightsizing to create a better bottom line; all you know is the only thing up is the number of people who feel down-and-out.

The four-year-old who created the tidal wave in the bathtub is now trying to show you how to override the parental-control box on the TV.

On the news, a reporter in a war zone explains that the collateral damage inflicted last night was simply a matter of killing the wrong persons when they were trying to kill the right enemy.

The commercial that follows demonstrates that sex can and will be used to sell almost anything; you wonder about the paradox that selling sex is illegal, buying it is not.

Ageism, racism, sexism, bigotry, religious wars, fanaticismSome say it is the final time, others say it is the dawn of the new millennium; youre not sure if you are entering the dark night of your soul or beginning a heros journey, and at this point youre too exhausted to care. You just want to sit down and have a cup of coffee, or was it tea? Which one is good for you? You cant remember.

Parenting Through Crisis is about handling tough times and tough issues with our children. Whether it be a small crisis or a major disaster, a minor malady or a life-changing event, the question Will I die?, the loss of a pet, the death of a friend, a critical illness, a chronic disability, a divorce, an adoption, or mayhem in a high school, this book looks at how we as parents can comfort and nurture our childrenand ourselvesas we navigate through the inevitable suffering, the adversity, the chaos, and the losses in our lives. It takes us further along on the journey of integration, healing, and connection begun in my earlier book, kids are worth it!

kids are worth it! offered practical advice for parents of toddlers through teenagers on how to utilize the very stuff of family lifechores, mealtime, sibling rivalry, toilet training, bedtime, allowancesto create a home environment in which kids can develop their own sense of inner discipline. When these routines are overshadowed by tragic or traumatic events, when children are faced with lifes chaos and confusion, the lessons learned through these opportunities do not go to waste. Knowing how to think, not just what to think; feeling empowered, not controlled or manipulated; being able to distinguish between realities that must be accepted and problems that can be solved; and being able to act with compassion and integritythese are skills that will serve your children well as they navigate the turbulent waters of adversity and sorrow.

If used in the good times, the tools of good parentingtreating kids with respect; giving them a sense of positive power in their own lives; giving them opportunities to make decisions, take responsibility for their actions, and learn from their successes and mistakesare the same tools you can use in the rough times.

But you will need more. Suffering is a natural part of life, and we cannot eliminate it. What we can eliminate are the things we do to compound our own suffering unnecessarily, and the things we do to cause others to suffer unnecessarily. Parenting Through Crisis is a journey through the inevitable suffering that is a part of living and a journal of ways to approach with compassion and optimism some of lifes most daunting situations. It is also a guide to using reconciliatory justice for handling serious mistakes, mischief, and mayhem that happen in our homes and our communities.