Ellen Bass - Beginning to Heal (Revised Edition): A First Book for Men and Women Who Were Sexually Abused As Children

With deep appreciation, we thank all the survivors who so generously shared their stories with us.

Dear Reader,

We wrote Beginning to Heal for men and women who are just starting to look at the issue of sexual abuse in their lives. Beginning to Heal will let you know youre not alone, and that there is a way out of the pain youre feeling. As you read, you may feel great relief. You may feel proud, strong, or able to make positive changes in your life.

But you may also feel afraid, angry, or deeply sad. If you have unfamiliar or upsetting feelings as you read, dont be alarmed. Strong feelings are part of healing.

If you dont have any feelings at all, that may mean youre not feeling safe enough yet to face the pain. Thats okay. Take your time.

Reading this book is a little like healing itself. You dont have to go in a straight line, from beginning to end. Instead, go at your own pace, in your own way. You can skip chapters if you want to. Or read a page more than once. Make this book yours. Its okay to mark sections that are important to you or write notes to yourself in the margins.

If you come to a part of this book thats hard for you, you dont have to grit your teeth and keep reading. Its okay to stop, take a break, talk to someone about your feelings, and come back to it later. Its our hope that Beginning to Heal will offer you guidance and support, but its not intended to take the place of therapy. Many survivors have found counseling to be a necessary part of their healing process.

Weve expanded this new edition of Beginning to Heal to speak to men survivors of child sexual abuse, as well as to women, because we now know that the healing process is very much the same, no matter what your gender. Weve also updated the book throughout to include our continuing learning about healing.

We wish you courage and support on your healing journey.

P.S. Beginning to Heal is drawn from our longer book, The Courage to Heal. Weve made this book shorter and easier to read so more people can use it. When youre ready for a more thorough guide to healing, The Courage to Heal can offer a deeper level of support.

We also invite you to visit our Web sites for more information and resources. Ellen Bass is at www.ellenbass.com, and Laura Davis is at www.LauraDavis.net.

Theres nothing as wonderful as starting to heal, waking up in the morning and knowing that nobody can hurt you if you dont let them.

If you have been sexually abused, you are not alone. One out of three girls and one out of seven boys are abused by the time they reach eighteen. Sexually abused children come from every race, religion, and culture. They come from rich families and poor families. Abusers can be men or women, family members, friends, neighbors, teachers, counselors, priests or rabbis, baby-sitters, and strangers.

If you were abused as a child, you are probably still dealing with the effects in your life today. You may be having trouble at school, on the job, with relationships and sex, or in your family. You may feel bad about yourself or think something is wrong with you. These problems may be connected to the abuse you experienced while you were growing up.

The most important thing for you to know is that it is possible to heal from child sexual abuse. You dont have to live with the effects of abuse for the rest of your life. If you are willing to work hard and find good support, you can not only heal but thrive.

If you have been sexually abused, you are not alone.

Youve probably heard a lot about sexual abuse, but you may not be sure if your experience fits the definition.

Think back to when you were growing up. Did any of these things happen to you?

Were you fondled or kissed in a way that felt bad to you?

Were you ever touched unnecessarily on your private parts?

Were you forced to touch someone elses private parts?

Were you forced to have oral sex?

Were you raped or was anything forced inside your vagina or anus?

Were you forced to watch people have sex?

Were you shown pornographic movies?

Were you made to pose for sexual pictures?

Were you made to sell your body for sex?

Were you forced to abuse or hurt someone else?

If any of these things happened to you, then you were sexually abused.

Sometimes survivors think that what happened to them isnt bad enough to qualify as abuse. They say things like, It wasnt incesthe was just a friend of the family, or It only happened once, or It was just my brother and he was only a year older than me. But your pain counts.

The fact that someone else has suffered from abuse that was worse than yours does not lessen your suffering. The important thing in defining abuse is not the physical act that took place. Its how you felt as a child. An abuser used power to manipulate and control you. Your trust was shattered and the world stopped being safe. You felt terrified, hurt, ashamed, or confused.

Even abuse that isnt physical can leave deep scars. Your uncle walked naked around the house making sexual comments about your body. Your mother told you in detail about her sex life. These acts, though not directly physical, hurt you.

It doesnt matter how often you were abused. A father can stick his hand in his daughters underwear in thirty seconds. After that the world is not the same.

This book is about the healing process. Healing begins when you recognize that you were abused. And it leads to the satisfying experience of thriving.

If you are willing to work hard and find good support, you can not only heal but thrive.

Survivors have taught us that there are recognizable stages in the healing process. This book will give you a map so you can see where you are, what youve already done, and what still lies ahead.

Weve presented the stages of healing in a particular order, but you may not experience them that way. You may spend time focusing intensely on the abuse. Then your attention may shift more to your current life. When something in your life changesyou start a relationship, leave home, or have a childyou may deal with the abuse again, from a new vantage point. Each time, you learn more, feel more, and make more lasting changes.

This book will give you a map of the healing process, so you can see where you are, what youve already done, and what still lies ahead.

The further along you are in the healing process, the more youll be able to take care of yourself along the way. Youll be able to laugh, to experience pleasure along with the pain. You wont change your history, but it will no longer keep you from having a satisfying, full life.

There is no clear end to the healing process. Its a way of growing that continues throughout our lives.

You deserve this healing.

This has given me the opportunity to look at me. Its not all bad. You do heal. And you do become stronger. I dont know what it would take to flatten me, but it would have to be something really big. I am, in fact, a survivor.

The decision to heal from child sexual abuse is a powerful, positive choice. It is a commitment every survivor deserves to make. Healing can bring to your life a richness and depth you never dreamed possible:

For the first time, Im appreciating things like the birds and the flowers, the way the sun feels on my skinyou know, really simple things. I can read a good book. I can sit in the sun. I dont ever remember enjoying these things, even as a little kid. Ive woken up. If this hadnt happened, Id still be asleep. So for the first time, I feel alive. And you know thats something to go for.