Gregory L. Ph.D. Jantz - Hope and Healing from Emotional Abuse

Emotional abuse is so damaging because it outlives its own life span.

Robert is thirty-two years old and has trouble holding a job. He grates on peoples nerves with his abrasive, blunt outbursts of displeasure at their behavior. Because of his inability to deal effectively with others, Robert is most successful at jobs in which he can work alone. Unfortunately, while Robert works best alone, he also works slowly. He constantly second-guesses his own judgments on the job. Caught up in daydreams, he spends a good portion of his time imagining how people will react to his work and what he will do and say in response. He wants to be ready for what he knows will come. Expecting and even anticipating a negative reaction, he seems to enjoy it, since it vindicates what he has believed they were thinking all along. He is happy inside because he was right. To others, Robert comes across as defensive and hostile because he is already sure that any response to him will be negative.

Robert grew up as the youngest of three children. His older siblings couldnt relate to his childish behavior. He was raised with the indelible impression that his brother and sister were smarter, better looking, and bound to be more successful than he could ever hope to be. His parents loved him, but Robert always had the sense that he was an afterthought, that the real tradition of the family would be carried on by the older, more capable children.

In school, Robert was always teased by the other children who knew his brother and sister. He was a thin, unattractive child whose dour expression set up a barrier without him speaking a word. Robert seemed to want to be left alone, and others were more than happy to oblige.

Robert grew up feeling that he would never amount to anything, that who he was as a person was not valued, and that people would always deal with him in a negative manner. Anticipating their reactions, Robert sought to beat them to the punch by being openly hostile and abrasive in all of his relationships.

Even therapy was a battle zone as far as Robert was concerned. He didnt like his therapist, didnt like her conclusions, and didnt like having to change the way he had always dealt with the world. Robert didnt want to take the chance of being hurt, yet neither did he want to continue living the way he was living now.

Roberts recovery will be slow, but as long as he listens to the truth, which softly whispers above the clamor of his self-doubt that he really is a valuable person, one day Robert will finally believe it.

Emotional abuse is so damaging because it outlives its own life span. Not only does it damage a persons self-esteem at the time it is done, it also sets up a life pattern that daily assaults the inner being. Present events and relationships are filtered through the negative messages and events of the past. Behavior is unknowingly modified to produce results consistent with the established life pattern. Through continued emotional assault, even a healthy life pattern can be subverted by an abusive one.

Damaging Effects of Emotional Abuse

When you view life as unstable, anxiety, tension, and fear result.

When you are constantly vigilant to the behavior of others, hypersensitivity and hostility result.

When you learn to second-guess yourself, confusion and feelings of disconnection result.

When nothing you do ever seems to be right, insecurity, guilt, and shame result.

When others tell you that you are always wrong, indecision and inaction result.

When you stop having the energy to fight it all, apathy and depression result.

When you have finally had it, rage results.

When you never seem to receive fairness, justice is all you think about.

When you have been hurt by those you love, love is viewed as a risk.

When living is painful, addictions are acceptable because they numb the pain.

When the mind is a jumble of emotional chaos, the body and its systems break down.

When your inner turmoil produces outer stress, your current relationships are endangered.

When you cant control your negative emotions, you become the very person you hate.

Dont ever let anyone tell you that emotional abuse isnt damaging.

Lack of Emotional Security

At the most basic level, emotional abuse robs you of your sense of security and value. In an attempt to bring order out of chaos, even the regularity of abuse can be substituted for a sense of what is normal.

One of the deepest needs of children is for consistency, including the certain knowledge that they are unconditionally accepted and valued by those who love them. Small children crave the repetitive, constant nature of certain stories in which the same words or phrases are used over and over again. Children learn what to expect, anticipate with delight the coming use of the word or phrase, and feel in control of the story when they can repeat along with the storyteller the right words at the right time. Toddlers will often ask for the same book to be read over and over again until parents are so sick of it they could just scream! What is boring to adult minds may be very comforting and affirming to children. The story always ends the same way. Life has order. By knowing the ending in advance, children have a sense of security and safety. They learn how it feels to be right, to know what lies ahead, and this produces a sense of control.

With emotional abuse, whether through purposeful or inadvertent neglect, children soon learn that anything is possible. They never know the ending in advance. There are no boundaries for behavior directed toward them or attitudes thrust upon them. And where there are no boundaries, there is no security. A study of childrens reactions to physical boundaries on their school playground found that when a fence was present in their school yard, they happily played right up to its crisscrossed edges. They knew where the boundary of their world was and took advantage of every inch; it allowed them to relax and play in safety. When the fence was removed, the children huddled together close to the school building and did not venture down the hill to where the fence had been. Without the fence, they did not have a clear sense of boundary, of security. Instead of the removal of the fence promoting greater freedom, it produced heightened anxiety and unpredictable behavior. The presence of the boundary brought freedom. Removal of the boundary brought fear.