Tonya Reiman - The YES Factor: Get What You Want. Say What You Mean. The Secrets of Persuasive Communication

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Table of Contents

To Kenny, my best friend, soul mate, and the love of my life.

To my three hunnybunns, Stephanie, Christian, and Jaidan.
There is nothing more precious than each moment I share
with youevery minute away from you proves that.

INTRODUCTION:

ONE-TENTH OF A SECOND; THE FIRST STEP TO YES

With a loud and long display of pants, groans, gasps, hair ruffling, caresses, table pounding, and ecstatic release, she yells: Yes, Yes, YES! YES! YES!

Tim Dirks reviewing When Harry Met Sally for Filmsite.org

And will you succeed? Yes indeed, yes indeed! Ninety-eight and three-quarters percent guaranteed!

Dr. Seuss

Yes, I see your point.

Yes, lets talk.

Yes, youre hired.

Yes, Ill buy it.

Three simple letters with so much power. Yes opens doors; yes gets you a job; yes seals the deal for a first (and second, and third!) date. The yes factor is what allows us to move forward with our goals, to accomplish what we aim for. As an expert specializing in communication, I can tell you that getting where you want to go is the equivalent of getting a series of yeses. Spending my professional life thinking about how we as human beings relate to each other through verbal and nonverbal communication has made me realize that achieving my goals means focusing on the yes factorcommunicating my best side to those around me, and ensuring that they say yes every time.

Every day, many times a day, you are selling youyour ideas, beliefs, products, services, desires. No matter what you do for a living or what you hope to achieve in your personal or professional life, you can change the impressions you make on others by changing the way you communicate. Getting those yeses will ensure that you become your best you, your Alpha You.

Youre more transparent than you think. Every time you gesture or open your mouth to speak, people read you. Your gestures and the words you do (or dont) say impact how those around you perceive you. Studies from Princeton University have shown that our initial judgments of another person are formed within one-tenth of one second. One-tenth of one second! Thats all you have. According to Princeton psychologist Alex Todorov, we decide how likable and competent someone is before we so much as exchange a single word.

That means it isnt simply enough just to be your Alpha You. And it isnt enough just to know what you want in life. Getting a yes involves knowing exactly how to instantaneously convey your Alpha You to everyone you encounter, each and every time.

Now back to that first one-tenth of a second. In my career Ive been asked to analyze what celebrities and public figures body language and verbal communication say about them. Lets go from the ridiculous to the sublime. Conjure up Brangelina. Can you picture them? There is no denying the appeal of Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie. Separately, they are hot. Together they sell millions of tabloid newspapers.

Back in 2005, the two were photographed at the press conference for their film, Mr. & Mrs. Smith. At the time, Brad was married to Jennifer Aniston. Soon he was separated. Rumors flew. And you know what? Even though this is a one-sided communication (your average People magazine reader wont ever meet these two), it took only a few seconds for the world to realize exactly what was going on.

In the photograph, Angelina has her back turned to Brad with her hands behind her. Usually, hands behind the back is a way of telling others that we are not intimidated by them. Instead of curling up into a fetal position, we put those hands behind us as if to say, Poised, coy, and confident. Thats what Angelina conveys in her pose.

Brad has his right hand in his pocket. Hes unsmiling, with lips pinched in. The lip roll is a gesture frequently used by some people in an almost unconscious attempt to keep themselves from speaking, as if the person has a secret hes trying not to reveal. Combine the lips with his hand in his pocket, and again, you have the image of someone hiding something.

Now, how does this all add up? Typically when actors take pictures together, they take pictures together. In this picture it looks as if they are purposefully trying to demonstrate a disconnect. In doing so, they unconsciously reveal what many had already guessed. Although it was several years later that Angelina told a reporter that she and Brad had fallen in love while making the film, the photo announced it to the world.

Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt arrive onstage at ShoWests Fox Luncheon at the Paris Hotel in Las Vegas on Thursday, March 17, 2005, to promote Mr. & Mrs. Smith. Although their goal was to promote their new film, their body language was saying something else.

Okay, lets look at something with a little more bearing on the world stage. Do you remember the 1984 presidential debates, when many were concerned about Ronald Reagans age? One of the most memorable lines on the topic came from Reagan himself.

I will not make age an issue of this campaign, he said. I am not going to exploit, for political purposes, my opponents youth and inexperience.

Notice how Reagan was able to reframe his situation. He turned the age issue on its headhis age was an asset, his opponents youth a detriment. This is a tool that is simple to utilize and important to learn. When you reframe a situation, you change the outcome to one that favors you. We will discuss it at length later on.

So maybe you are thinking, This is important for celebs and politicos, but not for me. Nopehow you communicate to the world is relevant in every single setting. Heres an example thats a little closer to home: a grocery store in the middle of the afternoon in my hometown, on Long Island. Two female clerks were gossiping off to the side. I smiled at them as I pushed my shopping cart. They didnt appear to notice me.

So do you know where the mayo is? It was a male voice, confident and booming. Alpha all the way. It was coming from a cocky guy wearing sunglasses and a baseball cap. His confidence was like gold, his posture powerful. Now, Ive been shopping at that store a long time, and let me tell you, the clerks are stiff as boardsbut not around this guy. The two women snapped to attention, directing all their energies at this Robert Pattinson (the mysterious Twilight dude) type looking for mayo. In that moment, he owned the room.

Then, he took off his glasses. Something changed. The intense, mysterious aura was gone. With his windows to the soul bared, he was an ordinary guy looking for a jar of mayonnaise. Nothing about his appearance matched the promise in his voice or the mystery behind the glasses. If the clerks had seen him before they heard him, it was unlikely they would have been falling all over themselves to try to help him find the mayonnaise. But they had heard him first, and what do you know, despite his ordinary appearance, the two almost broke into a fight over who would get to show him where the mayonnaise was. In other words, they still related to him as they had imagined him.

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