Carol A. Lambert - Women With Controlling Partners: Taking Back Your Life from a Manipulative or Abusive Partner

Women with controlling partners dont merely suffer blows to their self-esteem and confidence; they also gradually and insidiously lose their sense of who they are. Deeply validating and brimming with practical advice and wisdom, WomenwithControllingPartners guides readers through the often subtle process of psychological abuse, helping them escape the confusion and shame that enshroud their experience by offering a detailed road map back to themselvesand their lives. Their journey is made all the more reassuring by the rich voices of women whove traveled the exact same path in Lamberts recovery groups and arrived at their final destinationfreedomfeeling deeply empowered.

CraigMalkin, PhD, Harvard Medical School lecturer and author of the internationally acclaimed RethinkingNarcissism

This book offers an important opportunity for the multitude of women who are in relationships that are controlling, but who do not resonate with the term intimate partner violence. It presents straightforward information about the insidious consequences that can occur from being in a relationship with someone who is controlling, and the levels of harm that can occur over time that may not be obvious to the person herself. Through this book, the reader can receive support, clarity, and guidance from the thousands of women who Carol Lambert has listened to and has combined their collective wisdom and courage. Mental health clinicians can also benefit from this book in deepening their understanding of the complexities of these types of relationships and the importance of patience, collaboration with community resources, and the power of peer voices and support.

JanetYassen, LICSW, Acute Crime Crisis Services Coordinator of the Victims of Violence Program at the Cambridge Health Alliance, Harvard Medical School faculty, and cofounder of the Boston Area Rape Crisis Center

An eye-opening exploration of how women become trapped in dysfunctional relationships with their angry and controlling partners. This is a gripping narrative that can lead women on a life-changing journey from denial to knowledge, from understanding to recovery. As a survivor of domestic abuse, I found this book true to my experience. It validated my pain, exposed the tactics of my controlling partner, and showed the way toward reclaiming my self-respect and autonomy. I recommend this book to anyone who has experienced domestic abuse, and to all those who care for them.

Pamela, survivor of domestic abuse

Publishers Note

This publication is designed to provide accurate and authoritative information in regard to the subject matter covered. It is sold with the understanding that the publisher is not engaged in rendering psychological, financial, legal, or other professional services. If expert assistance or counseling is needed, the services of a competent professional should be sought.

Distributed in Canada by Raincoast Books

Copyright 2016 by Carol A. Lambert

New Harbinger Publications, Inc.

5674 Shattuck Avenue

Oakland, CA 94609

www.newharbinger.com

Cover design by Amy Shoup

Acquired by Catharine Meyers

Edited by Jennifer Holder

All Rights Reserved

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data on file

Instead of abandoning ourselves, we can learn to inhabit ourselves. The body is tremendously homesick for us, and it waits patiently for our return.

Denise Taylor

For my son and daughter.

Sitting in a recovery group for women with controlling partners, a thirty-three-year-old teacher named Maggie leans forward in her chair and says, My closest friend told me she was worried about me and my relationship. I couldnt believe it. I know my husband can be outspoken, a bit self-righteous, and hard to argue with. But I never thought of him as controlling. Maggie purses her lips. Im not sure, but I am too nervous to tell him Im attending this group. In fact, I asked Carol to leave a cryptic message regarding the time and place of the group sessions so he wouldnt find out. It then dawned on me that Im intimidated by him. Im here to figure out just whats happening in my relationship.

Women with Controlling Partners is for people like Maggie, perhaps like you, who need to get clear about their experience with an intimate partner, whether a boyfriend, girlfriend, or spouse. With the help of this book, readers can become informed about controlling relationships, learn of the impact on their own mental and physical health, and through a recovery process can become empowered to work toward a healthy relationship and recognize whats possible with their partner.

During two decades of facilitating recovery groups for women with controlling partners, my colleague Hadley Fisk, MSW and I have listened to more than a thousand women speak about being overpowered by a partner. While each woman experiences a unique ordeal, together they tell the same saga: a slow, insidious, and nearly invisible condition of coercion entraps a woman within her most intimate relationship. So well hidden, this entrapment can go undetected even by the woman herself. The deceptive twist is that it is the most unlikely person, the one from whom she expects caring and love, who creates conditions that slowly diminish her spirit and sense of selfwho she is. Being unaware of what is happening, she naturally minimizes and denies the problems with her intimate partner. At the same time, the experience causes a loss of self-esteem and trust in her own perceptionmaking it even more difficult to see the truth. Ultimately, she feels she is losing herself, or parts of herself. A controlling partner can make her feel crazy when shes not.

Many women encountering nonphysical types of abuse experience grave psychological and physical health symptoms. They do not attribute these symptoms to the abuse they endure, mainly because psychological abuse does not leave a visible bruise or scar. But it is deeply hurtful and can be identified when you know what to look for.

The fact that youve picked up this book means you already know a little about how it feels to be with a controlling partner. What you may not yet know about is the process by which you can recover. The word recover means the return of something that has been lost (Merriam-Webster 2016). This book will help you get yourself back and recapture the parts of yourself that you have lost along the way. Once you reach a place of understanding your experience and trusting your perception, you can feel empowered to act in your own best interest.

You will benefit from this book wherever your relationship falls on the spectrum of minor to moderate to severe levels of control. If you are unsure whether your partner controls you, this book can help you assess whats happening. If you have been with a controlling partner in the past and feel plagued by fears of being hurt again, Women with Controlling Partners can help you recover and know what behaviors to watch out for. Friends and family members who are concerned about someone with a controlling partner can gain knowledge and be in a better position to offer support. This book can also help mental health and medical professionals, clergy, and others who work with women at risk to provide informed care for those they serve.

In 1992, when my colleague, Hadley Fisk, and I sought training in a battered womens shelter, mental health professionals were not paying attention to domestic violence. Yet, at that time, abuse by a husband was the leading cause of injury for women. That year, we conducted a review of clinical literature that became the backdrop for creating a unique group-based model for treating women in controlling relationships. We called the model Recovery Groups for Women with Controlling Partners. In the group sessions, we felt deeply privileged to witness the womens courage as they engaged the recovery work, and to witness, as they got stronger, their transformations. From this experience, our passion grew and compelled us to raise awareness about domestic violence and, in particular, psychological abuse.