Faith Moore - Celebrating a Life: Planning Memorial Services and Other Creative Remembrances

For my brother Johnny, who inspired this book.

There is so much inappropriate handling of death in todays world; it is a subject that yearned to be addressed. And this thoughtful guide does a thorough job of just that.

Weve grown accustomed to creative new ways of celebrating marriage. Funky graduation ftes, nontraditional baptismal rites, and outrageously glittery sweet sixteen parties are now the norm. Logically, there has been a growing desire, as well as a need, for new customs involving all of them, but with the rite of death in particular. So many of us lose any semblance of our cool when confronting someones passage to the other side. We dont know what to say to the spouse or what actions to take to express our love and support for the family. We want to honor our loved ones memory, but perhaps all the options that immediately come to mind seem too clich. How do you handle the rude creatures who are pressing for details of the deceaseds estate? Do you serve food during this sad time, and if so, what, when, and to whom? There seem to be a million questions arising around the final act of someones leaving us. And Faith Moore answers a good many of them in the following pages.

As a writer on manners, its easy for me to urge that all the players follow the established social rules in all the rituals of life. But many people today take great delight in breaking them. Of course, to that I say, Fine, but what do you advise as substitute behavior? At least know the customary protocol before straying from it.

Moore takes a fresh approach on the whole subjectwalking us through the planning process, delving into the historical and sociological importance of the way we do funerals in America today, and offering some good, solid advice on the roles that family, friends, and associates should play in giving the deceased the proper send-off. Yes, a memorial service can be looked upon as a celebration. Doing it properly, in my mind, is like mastering a great recipe. What is needed are first-class ingredients, loving care, and a healthy measure of heart.

Letitia Baldrige

When the curtain opened, a central spotlight shone brightly on a sparkling pair of silver sneakers, resting alone on the stark seat of a wooden chair. More than a thousand of the fashion industrys most prominent figures had gathered in Carnegie Hall, not for a show, but to remember and honor Kal Ruttenstein, one of the industrys most respected designers. His star rose when he introduced the world to rhinestone-studded jeans; his talent endured throughout his life. Everyone there recognized Kals silver sneakers, a poignant reminder of the one person who could ever fill them. Their meaning was not lost on the audience. More than a fashion statement, they were a symbol of how people were paying attention to more than just the words spoken at the memorial service. They proved that the simplest touches could create an indelible memory.

Symbolism can take many forms. At another memorial service, in a town fifty miles south of San Diego, a woman by the name of Andrea stood in front of a much smaller gathering to celebrate the memory of her father. There were no celebrities in the audience; her father, while well known in town, was a man of modest means who chose to work with his hands, first as a builder then later as a handyman. Everyone recognized the oversized leather flight jacket Andrea was wearing. On chilly days her father was never without it. The jacketlike the silver shoeswas a touching reminder of the World War II veteran.

Not so long ago these simple symbols, chosen as a way of honoring a departed loved one, would have been considered in poor taste and out of place. A favorite daughter would have worn black, not her fathers care-worn flight jacket. There was a proper way of doing things. But when the baby boomers came of age and began getting married, they started doing things their way. They began placing more emphasis on making weddings meaningful for themselves and their friends, and less on appeasing the wishes of their families. The youth of that generation rejected the traditions that meant nothing to them and kept the traditions they liked. They found different places to get married: by the sea, on a mountaintop, in a field, on a boat, on a tropical island, in a castle. The destination wedding became commonplace. People started dressing in ways that reflected their personalities, whether that meant going barefoot, sporting Hawaiian shirts and Bermuda shorts, or wearing a silk gown in a favorite shade of blue. Even black, once a symbol of disrespect, is now an acceptable color to wear to a wedding.

Reinventing wedding traditions was just the beginning. Soon after, a party culture evolved, raising the bar for extravagance for celebrations such as birthdays, graduations, and Bar and Bat Mitzvahs. It makes sense, then, that another important eventthe funeral, or memorial servicewould start to be treated in the same way. So, as three-quarters of a million baby boomers and the generations that follow are thrust, often for the first time, into planning memorial services, they are also reimagining how to say good-bye to the ones they love.

A party culture is one that is always looking to set a celebratory tone; for a memorial service this means being more inclined to focus on the positive aspects of a persons life rather than a public, prolonged mourning. Yet it is still important to acknowledge this life milestone, grieve as a community, and, even more importantly, lay a person to rest with respect, grace, and honor. More and more people no longer wish to leave the details and decision-making to someone else. They prefer to take control and do things their way. This has led to what can be called the My Way Memorial Movement.

The many new ways people are choosing to remember loved ones demonstrate that the systems currently in place are insufficient. Even the euphemisms used to talk about those who have diedpassed, passed on, passed away, deceased, expired (the correct medical term), gone to a better place, crossed overseem inadequate. There is a stigma attached to the term dead. In conversation we rarely say the person who died or the dead person because it sounds too harsh. A memorial service is a time to remember a person in their best light. It is for this reason that throughout this book I will refer to the person who has died as the honoree.

More people are taking the term paying your respects to heart and electing to have memorial services that acknowledge a persons life instead of focusing so intently on their death. In addition to having a more celebratory culture there are several other reasons for the trend. Memorial services are inherently open to a wider community of friends and acquaintances, often including people who come solely to support a grieving friend. And secondly, more people are choosing cremation or, even if opting for a traditional burial, deciding to hold a memorial ceremony without the body present, making it much easier to celebrate than grieve.

According to recent reports from the National Center for Health Statistics, approximately 2.5 million people die per year in the United States, creating a funeral industry in the range of $13 billion. When people found they needed more support planning weddings, the wedding planner industry was born. In much the same way, the funeral industry is also experiencing a boom as people consider all the possible ways to hold a memorial service. You will find that providers in the industry are very aware of the trend toward personalization and are prepared and willing to work with you to help create the perfect event.