Table of Contents
Praise for Hello Cruel World
A dont-hurt guide for anyone whos been tempted to give in to despair.
Time Out New York
With a mix of personal anecdotes, mythic stories, motivational speeches, practical tidbits and subversive suggestions, Bornstein makes good use of her life experience and literary acumen.
San Francisco Chronicle
[Bornstein] shares nearly 60 years of her own strategies and struggles to stay alive in order to make it a little less difficult for the rest of us.
San Francisco Bay Guardian, Mattilda, a.k.a. Matt Bernstein Sycamore
Bornstein somehow manages to be earnest, caring, brutally honest, and incredibly thoughtful all at once. Youll want to keep extra copies of this one on the shelf to give away to friends in need.
Bitch Magazine
Ultimately, Bornstein is offering up an entirely new world-view for the living. From finding a new way to say hello to finding the love of your life, this is a hopeful, compassionate, kind, yet ass-kicking book.
Rachel Kramer Bussel
Read it, dig it, then make sure to leave it where your sister can find it.
Venus Zine
Give this book to someone you love, or to someone youre afraid of losing (even if its yourself). Hello, Cruel World will do no less than save lives.
T Cooper, author of Lipshitz Six, or Two Angry Blondes
A sassy and smart how-to book for all those who want to love life, even when it betrays, disappoints, and otherwise acts unworthy of your heart.
Peggy Phelan, the Ann ODay Maples Chair in the Arts and professor of drama and English, Stanford University
For my daughter, Jessica, and her children. Just in case any of you need this one day.
For my mom, Mildred Vandam Bornstein, who passed out of this world eleven years ago. Mom, you should now be approaching the age that you might want to read and use this book.
For all outsiders, freaks, misfits, nerds, geeks, queers, and outlaws. Please stay alive. We need you in this world to keep things interesting.
In loving memory of Jake Barker (1980-2002). Honey, Im so sorry I didnt get this to you in time. Wherever you are these days, I hope you and life are on much better terms.
Acknowledgments
The longer you manage to live, the more people there are who have contributed to the quality of your life. In order to make more space for the actual book, Ive had to limit these acknowledgments to those people whove most directly influenced this book.
To Barbara Carrellas, my partner in life, love, and art. Thank you for balancing my study of gender with your study of sex; my love of sadomasochism with your love of tantra; and my love of pussy with your love of pug.
Thanks go to friends, family, extended family, and early readers: Caitlin Sullivan, Kaylynn Raschke, John Emigh, David Harrison, Ava Apple, Jack Barker, Ann Pancake, Alan Bornstein, Roz Kaveney, Mary Dorman, Amy Scholder, Veronica Vera, Tony Phillips, Marsha Botzer, T. Cooper, Aidan Key, Holly Hughes, Esther Newton, Gail and Betsey Leondar-Wright, Troy Dwyer, Gail Harris, Gayle Landers, and Marsian De Lellis.
Youre able to read this book thanks to the courage, persistence, and dedication of my editor at Seven Stories Press, Crystal Yakacki; my publisher, Dan Simon; and my literary agent, Malaga Baldi. Thank you all for believing in this project. Thanks, too, to my trusty ward and sidekick, Erin Markey, for keeping me organized. Thank you to Jon Gilbert and Phoebe Hwang for translating my rough layout sketches into something truly beautiful and functional.
I wrote a lot of this book in the woods of eastern Long Island in the sweet home of Lynn Birks and Judith Wit. I wrote the bulk of the 101 Alternatives in two Hells Kitchen Starbucks, where the baristas made me feel right at home and where T-Mobile kept me connected to the Web. I wrote on a succession of Apple PowerBooks, using OS X. I used OmniOutliner Pro for my notes and outlines, and Microsoft Word for the actual writing as well as for the rough layout and early design of the book. Im grateful to Scott Kelby for his workshops, tips, and how-to books that taught me how to do diddle all the images in this book in Adobe Photo-shop. Im also grateful to Dover Publications for their permission to use their images. And to Ron and Joe of Art Parts for their generous permission to use over twenty of their images. Thank you also to Snaggy and Nitrozac of geekculture.com for the lovely geek toon, and to Diane DiMassa for the use of her Hothead Paisan art.
There were times during the writing of this book when I found myself deep in despair. Thats when I watched all seven seasons of Buffy, The Vampire Slayer (twice), and all the episodes of Firefly (three times, once with the commentaries turned on). So, thanks to Joss Whedon and to the casts and crews of those TV shows. I also re-read the ten volumes of my favorite graphic novel: The Sandman, by Neil Gaiman. And I kept my spirits up with the awe-some Jamaican cooking of renowned neighborhood chef, Colin Drysdale.
Im deeply grateful to Julia Ritchie, my life coach and therapist, for the insights she has given me. Thank you, Dr. Rona Vail at the Callen-Lorde Clinic in New York for my good health, and thank you Judy Reilly for untangling my financial records so I could go on writing. Thank you, dear Edward Maloney for a decade of really great hair. And thank you Dona Ann McAdams for making me look so good in all the photos youve taken of me over the past twenty years, especially my author photo for this book.
Thanks to Craig Dean, Ellie Deegan, Katya Min, and Felicia Gustin, who book my speaking and performance gigs. Ive received encouragement and support from literally thousands of students, faculty, staff, and administrators in over one hundred colleges, universities, conferences, and high schools where Ive had the honor and great pleasure to speak and perform.
Gone from this world are sweet Goose, the pug, as is my beloved cranky old Gwydyn, whose ashes now rest on the floor of the Ngorongoro Crater where he can chase zebras to his hearts delight. Its taken two pugs, two cats, two turtles, and a well-populated ant farm to make up the loss of you, pal.
Foreword
My grandmother was rumored to have told my mother that, if she let us continue to pick out our own clothes (brown snow-suits) and cut our own hair (mullets) and pierce our ears (only the right ear), my sister Tegan and I would turn into lesbians. She was right, sort of.
I dont think it was my mothers support of our color-blind preferences in outerwear or the androgynous haircuts in elementary school that turned us into lesbians. But her patient, supportive parenting did leave me feeling fairly confident upon my arrival at the threshold of adolescence. Having outgrown our childhood nicknames for one another (Brother), Tegan and I transitioned somewhat successfully into junior high and a world of shoplifting, hand jobs, and drive-bys.
Still, junior high was hell on earth for me. Instead of fighting my way to the top echelons of popularity, I was happy playing make-believe games like Jail and Orphanage in the basement with my best friend. I was totally unprepared to face the emotional cannibalism of my bullies. At the insecure and irrational age of fourteen, turning to the administration of my school for any sort of help or support would have seemed a ridiculous and potentially dangerous effort. Forced to take refuge in many bathroom stalls, I planned my sick days months in advance.
