Alister G. Hendery - Earthed in Hope: Dying, Death and Funerals – a Pakeha Anglican Perspective

Table of Contents

Earthed in Hope

Dying, Death and Funerals
A Pakeha Anglican Perspective

Alister G. Hendery

Copyright 2014 Alister Graeme Hendery

Unless otherwise indicated, all quotations from Scripture are from the New Revised Standard Version Bible: Anglicised Edition, copyright 1989, 1995, Division of Christian Education of the National Council of the Churches of Christ in the United States of America. Used by permission. All rights reserved.

All rights reserved.

This book or any portion thereof may not be reproduced or used in any manner whatsoever without the express written permission of the publisher except for the use of brief quotations in a book review.

The publishers gratefully acknowledge the assistance of the
Wellington City Council, Cemeteries Department.

Front cover photograph:
Garside Imaging - Alexander Garside

ePub edition
ISBN 978-1-927260-29-6

Philip Garside Publishing Ltd
PO Box 17160
Wellington 6147
New Zealand

books@pgpl.co.nz www.pgpl.co.nz

As a priest in my early twenties I became acquainted with death and dying in a way that puzzled and unsettled my friends. When most were starting out on their careers in diverse fields of endeavour we would meet to catch up. My stories of the work I was called to tended to be a conversation stopper. It was hard to convey the growing sense of deep privilege I was experiencing. It was hard to share the deep intimacy and grace that my role drew me into. And in most cases it was inappropriate to do so anyway.

One of the consequences of my comparative youth was that I found myself increasingly asked to lead funerals for children and young people. Few things stretched me more or left me feeling more impotent, and yet few aspects of my ministry were more fulfilling.

A key aspect of this work of a priest, for me at least, was a journey deep into my own self awareness which forced me to face my own mortality very early in my life. Far from being a sad and melancholy experience I found a deep and unshakeable joy through my encounter with so many families who were grieving the loss of someone they loved. I discovered, time and again, the abiding presence of God. While, more often than not, it was inappropriate for me to give explicit voice to this, I was frequently aware that those I was with had a profound sense of that presence too.

Alister Hendery is offering us a great gift in this beautiful, resource-filled and comprehensive book. He has aimed to assist those within Tikanga Pakeha of the Anglican Church in Aotearoa, New Zealand to undertake ministry with the dying and the bereaved with creativity and sensitivity. This book certainly achieves that goal. But it offers much, much more than that and I hope it will find a significantly wider audience. In simple and unassuming style Alister provides not only a comprehensive resource, but a wise, insightful and at times challenging guide across the uniquely privileged landscape the pastor is called to traverse.

Alister quotes Paul Tillichs phrase the first duty of love is to listen. This book helps to tune the ear of the pastor who listens care-fully. I am going to place a copy of this book in the hands of every person I ordain from now on.

+ Philip Richardson
Primate and Archbishop Tikanga Pakeha

A Hebrew sage wrote: It is better to go to the house of mourning than to go to the house of feasting; for this is the end of everyone, and the living will lay it to heart (Ecclesiastes 7:2). The ancient writer has a point. We can learn much in the presence of death.

Ministry to the dying, the dead and the bereaved has been a significant part of my life for 35 years. Far from being a depressing occupation, it adds a sense of immediacy to life, teaching me to treasure the present moment and to rely on the grace of God believing, as I do, that the life I have and the life I will know after death is a gift from the One who created me and who loves me. It seems to me, though, that we are reluctant to heed the sages advice. Despite the development of death studies as an academic discipline and the availability of an array of resources on funerals and grief, little has been written specifically about funeral ministry within the Pakeha Anglican context. While we can learn a great deal from the ever-growing body of literature emerging from overseas, and much of it can be adapted to our situation, the culture of Aotearoa New Zealand is markedly different from Great Britain, North America or Australia, each taking different courses and facing dissimilar issues leading to contrasting funeral practices.

This book is a response to this paucity of reflection, offering a resource for those who minister in this area as well as, I hope, serving as a catalyst for further conversation. While the focus in the latter part of the book is on how we respond to death within Tikanga Pakeha of the Anglican Church in Aotearoa New Zealand and Polynesia, those from other traditions and cultures may well find it helpful. Funerals are, after all, universal events and within the wider Church we have much to learn from one another.

A book on any aspect of ministry is never the product of a solitary individual. Ministry is the servant work of the people of God, and what I offer owes much to clergy, lay ministers, parishioners and counselling clients who have shared with me their stories and searchings. A number of people generously gave of their time by reviewing various sections of my drafts, providing valuable information and offering their advice on various points. I am indebted to them all, but particularly to Indrea Alexander, Richard and Rebecca Apperley, Katie Boyle, Katherine Broome, Brian Carrell, Michael Chapman, Belinda Hodson and Robert McCullough. I owe a special debt of gratitude to Michael Wolffram, who shared with me some of his extensive knowledge and understanding of the contemporary funeral scene as well reviewing my initial work.

My wife, Deborah Broome, encouraged and supported me in this project. Throughout the process she posed challenging questions, made critical comments, offered invaluable insights and reined in my excessive use of commas. Above all, her love and her example as a dedicated priest is a daily source of strength and inspiration to me. Then there is my feline friend, Pericles, who frequents a space on my desk and reminds me of the importance of trust, simplicity and self-acceptance.

I acknowledge those who over the years mentored me in ministry. Of them, one stands out: Terrence Creagh, who tutored me in pastoral studies at Saint Johns Theological College, Auckland, and who kindled my passion for funeral ministry.

For a manuscript to be transformed into a book, a midwife is required. That role was taken on by Philip Garside, who saw it through to its birth. My thanks to Philip for his encouragement, his attention to detail and his belief that what I had to say was worthy of publication.

None of those who reviewed my various drafts, offered their opinions and advice, or supplied information, can be held responsible for the views I express or any inaccuracies in my work. These are, of course, my responsibility and not theirs.

Most of all, I am grateful to those who I have ministered to over the years. To share something of their journeys is an immense privilege. To them I offer my thanks for the opportunity of being a companion on the way, for hearing their questions, holding their hands, treasuring their tears and pain, crafting and presiding at their rituals, and being able to share something of the love of the One who is Love. I dedicate this book to them.