Danu Morrigan - Dear Daughter of a Narcissistic Mother--100 Letters to Help You Heal and Thrive

DEAR DAUGHTER OF A NARCISSISTIC MOTHER ...

DANU MORRIGAN

First published in 2017 by Darton, Longman and Todd Ltd 1 Spencer Court

140 142 Wandsworth High Street

London SW18 4JJ

2017 Danu Morrigan

The right of Danu Morrigan to be identified as the author of this work has been asserted in accordance with the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988.

ISBN: 978-0-232-53277-7

Produced by Judy Linard

F or the past two years I have sent a weekly email letter to thousands of women who, like you, are the daughter of a narcissistic mother. These letters aim to support, encourage, inform and validate these women, and the regular feedback I get shows the value they get (see some of the feedback below).

This book is the compilation of those letters, a full 100 letters in all, and I hope and intend this book will likewise support, encourage, inform and validate you too.

Although these letters expand on the information on my website www.daughtersofnarcissisticmothers.com, and in my book Youre Not Crazy Its Your Mother, they do stand alone. So if this is the first of my work youve read, you will still get full value from it.

You can get these letters for free by signing up to the Guidebook to Healing and Thriving on the website, but as they are sent weekly it will take you a full two years to get them all, instead of having all this valuable information right now, in one place, to hold in your hand and keep.

My hope and intention is that these letters will be your route-map, guide and even friend on your journey to full healing from your toxic upbringing, and thriving in your life going forward.

Here is a sample of the value other daughters of narcissistic mothers have got from these letters:

The letters are coming out in a book? Thats great!!!!! I would like to have the letters to read over for meditation. I learn something every time I go back and reread them. Anonymous by request

Your site and your weekly letters have been not only empowering, but incredibly vindicating. I wont say I couldnt have done it without them, but they certainly helped conceive my rebirth and encourage it to grow and flourish. CHS, Santa Ana

I find your descriptions of specific details and emotional landscape are really enlightening and validating for the type of emotions and experiences I encounter, which I may not be realizing myself, because of the usual mental unclarity, confusion, fog and such things. You put names and words and meaning to these experiences, and that is so useful, like a breeze of air in a stuffed room. Alevtina, Kiev, Ukraine

Your letters have been a godsend. I cant tell you how much they have helped me. S.D.

*******

S o, who am I, and why would you listen to me?

I am a fellow daughter of narcissistic mother (DONM as we refer to it for shorthand). I have no professional qualifications in anything to do with this topic, so I do not talk down to you from any academic pedestal. Instead, I come to you from the trenches of the lived experience. Im still on this journey, and I have lots to learn and many roads to take yet. But I have corresponded with thousands of DONMs over the last 8 years, and ran a forum for four of those, during which I learned so much about the DONM experience. This hard-earned information is what I share with you.

Also, as a professional writer anyway, my job is to present information in a way that makes sense, and thats what I offer. Many many DONMs tell me that I explain their experiences their confusing, bewildering, hard-to-understand experiences in a way that makes sense to them for the first time. As more than one DONM has told me, You explain my life to me in a way I never could.

I hope and trust I can do the same for you in the following letters.

Hugs, Danu

I truly believe that healing and thriving is possible for those of us who were unfortunate enough to be raised by a mother with Narcissistic Personality Disorder. We are not on an easy journey for sure, and its unfair that we have to work so hard to just get to a place where other women those who had loving mothers started. But thats the way it is, and we deserve to have all the resources we need to help us as we travel.

I invite you to consider, acknowledge, applaud and even celebrate your sheer courage. Most people never can bring themselves to examine whether their relationship with their mother is toxic. That you have done so is a huge step and truly I do hope youre so proud of yourself for having done that.

Until you acknowledged the toxicity of the way your mother raised you, and still treats you, no change was possible. Now that you have acknowledged this huge truth, all things become possible.

Having said that, if youre like many DONMs you might be still struggling to really accept that she was, indeed, toxic. Its not surprising, is it, given that she probably spent years telling you that she was perfect and everything was all your fault, that you were over-reacting, or over-sensitive?

Im still on this journey myself, but I have been on it for a good number of years, many of them before I knew about Narcissistic Personality Disorder.

At that time I thought I was fixing a flawed me, rather than healing an injured me. And of course the same is true for you: You are injured and requiring healing, rather than flawed and requiring fixing as she told you.

Now, what I share here are my own opinions and perceptions and understandings. They are based on those years of searching and learning and communication with thousands of DONMs, and are my best shot at figuring it all out. But please please judge everything I say on its own merits, not because I said it.

I am only a fellow-traveller, and I share my thoughts, but theyre not holy writ or anything like it.

But having said that, dont automatically dismiss what I say either. Sometimes what you believe and know isnt true. Its the residue of your narcissistic mothers brainwashing. And those false beliefs can lead you to dismiss anything contrary to that brainwashing. Indeed, often the more important it is for you to hear something, the more vehemently your existing beliefs will make you dismiss it.

But heres the thing: You need a new way of thinking and of being in the world, as part of your freeDONM. The old way is your mothers way, and thats not working for you or you wouldnt be seeking answers. So dont automatically dismiss what I write. I didnt pull it out of nowhere; a lot of thought and learning and thinking and exploring went into all that I say, and there may well be value in it for you.

But, neither should you uncritically accept it. I do my very best to share good information and accurate perceptions, but I could be wrong about any or all of it. So, be open-minded and dont automatically reject what I write, but dont automatically accept it either. Judge it on its own merits as I said.

One major tool Ill be referring to again and again is Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT). EFT has literally changed my life for the better, and I am so excited to share it with you. It is a process of tapping on acupuncture points to release, erase and evaporate negative emotions and limiting beliefs. This has huge benefits for us, as youll see. I invite you to visit my website at to learn more about it and get the free instructions there.

In each letter I speak of different issues DONMs face and for many of them I recommend EFT, as so many of our challenges are caused by our limiting emotions and beliefs.