Lynn Toler - Dear Sonali, Letters to the Daughter I Never Had

In 1989, I married a man with four sons. In 1992, we had another boy. Pregnant again three years later, I went in for an ultrasound. When the technician asked me if I had any other kids, I gave her the rundown and she burst out laughing.

Really? I said.

Yep, she replied, Im looking at it right now.

Dont get me wrong: Im wild about my boys, but I had hoped to have at least one daughter. My mother, Duchess (thats what my sons called her, so I guess you should too), and I were freakishly close. Son 5 of 6 once told me that when she and I were together, we were like a two-person cult. Duchess was a running editorial on life. We dug into the emotional foundations and implications of everything we saw. She kept me upright and functional every time I tried to fall apart. Which, by the way, turned out to be a full-time job at one point.

My relationship with my mother was so unique and uplifting that I wanted to recreate it with a daughter of my own. But when Son 6 of 6 showed up, Big E (my husband) and I just shut it down. With his track record, I wasnt going to risk getting pregnant again trying to beat those odds. We already had six kids between us. Each one is a lifetime investment, and as Duchess always said:

Never make dollar decisions

for nickel and dime reasons.

Creating an entire life fishing for a particular gender doesnt make sense, so I didnt do it. That said, I still had some hope. Though I knew my boys and I would not end up like Duchess and me, I thought I might be able to create a relationship that resembled ours in some way.

Talk about clearing a room. Every time I opened my mouth, the boys began a frantic search for the nearest available exit. You can just say no, Mom, and I wont do it, Son 6 of 6 once said. I dont need to know all 72 reasons why its not a good idea.

So there I was, left in a sea of testosterone with a boatload of estrogen, being tossed around on waves of words I could not share. What was I to do? Duchess to the rescue again. This is what she always told me, and it serves as the next lesson I want to pass on to you:

There are lots of different

ways to get into a house.

Dont get stuck banging

on a locked door.

Back away and look around.

A window may be open.

You ladies are my window. You were everywhereon my Twitter feed, my Instagram posts and my Facebook page. You were calling me the auntie in your head or Mom 2. You actually wanted to hear all of the things I was dying to say. So I decided to write this book. It was, it seemed, the answer for both of us. That is, until I ran into the problem.

Heres the problem: I truly believe that the hardest thing about giving advice is knowing what advice to give. There are a lot of ways to do business. Many often contradictory things can be true all at the same time. What one person needs to hear might be the last thing you should say to someone else.

Duchess never told my sister and me the same thing. My sister (your Aunt Kathy) was outgoing and fearless. I was anxious, nervous and shy. My mothers job was to get me out of the house while pulling my sister back in. The same thing happened to me when I had kids of my own. Any advice I gave to Son 5 of 6 would have sent Son 6 of 6 directly to jail.

You all have different personalities, difficulties, wants and desires. You come from vastly different circumstances and all kinds of communities. How in the world, I wondered, could I say something meaningful to you all?

Obviously, since youre reading this book, I believe Ive solved the problem. The solution? I am going to ask you to develop your Second Set of Eyes. Thats what you use to look at yourself as if you were someone else altogether. It minimizes emotional interference; it provides greater objectivity.

Once weve begun to develop your Second Set of Eyes, well use them to peer down the road a bit. With them, you should be able to see a tomorrow you have yet to envision.

After that, were going to use those eyes to look at how you feel. You cant control your life until you can control your emotionsthey change everything.

Next, were going to talk about all manner of mundane things like goals, money, time, habits and communication. Theyre not fascinating topics, but theyre still important. Unattended details can lay waste to the best-laid plans.

Last, but by no means least, I am going to talk about relationships. Given what I do for a living, that may be the only reason you bought this book. But please dont skip the first parts in order to get to the last one because

In order to do the TwoThing correctly,

your OneThing already has to be in order.

Love is better when you do it from a place of strength. Relationships are easier when your peace belongs to you and not the person that youre with. Well discuss all of that as well.

Sonali, over the years Ive mentored a lot of young ladies. Some were stressed; others were searching. A few were simply waiting for someone to whisper the right words in their ear. I was different things to all of them because they needed different things from me.

Sonali, I wish I knew you, too. Id love to know what makes you happy, what you want and what you need. I want to know your history and understand your fears. If I had that information, I could tailor my advice to you just like I did with them. But since I dont, Im going to overshare and you can pick out what you need.

Since Ill be discussing so many topics, Im writing this book in the form of letters to the daughter I never had. Ive named you Sonali after a girlfriend of mine. If I had had a daughter, I would have called her that. I think its such a beautiful name.

So thats the game plan, Sonali. Thats my goal. This book is my gift to you.