Gary Thomas - When to Walk Away Bible Study Guide: Finding Freedom from Toxic People

Maria is only ten years old, but she goes to bed with a knot in her stomach and worry in her heart. Her parents notice her joyful spirit only pops up occasionally and she is sullen and moody more and more often. When they ask how she is doing, she gives a quick, Fine, and avoids any other conversation.

After two months of this pattern getting progressively worse, Marias parents decide to have a serious conversation with their sweet daughter and let her know they might need to see a family counselor if things dont get better. Confronted with the love and concern of her parents, Maria breaks down in tears. She recounts how her friend Holly has been treating her. Lies are being told to the rest of their friend circle. Holly is making threats that Maria will be utterly left out if she does not do whatever Holly says. Maria has asked Holly if she has done something wrong, and Holly has told her that there are all kinds of things wrong with her and she should just be thankful that anyone would play with her.

What would you do if you were Marias parents? What advice would you give your daughter?

Karl is a transfer student at a new college. After two years of community college and working nights to save money, he is finally attending a great Christian university. This has been his dream from childhood. He is even playing soccer as a walk-on, and the coach saw fit to make him a starting striker. Karl should be having the time of his life. In some ways, he is. He loves his classes and professors. He is amazed that they actually pray to Jesus in many of his classes and faith comes up regularly in his course work and conversations with other students. Karl grew up going to public schools and he is really happy to be in an environment that is warmly welcoming of his Christian faith. But there is a dark cloud hanging over Karls life and heart.

There are two guys on the soccer team who are relentless in their mocking and unflinchingly cold in their attitude toward him. He knew jumping into a team that had been playing together for a couple years might be awkward. He expected some friendly teasing and a little good-hearted initiation, but this was something entirely different. Most of the guys seemed to like him, but DJ and Johaan were getting crueler as the season went on. Karl tried to build bridges, be nicer, pray for them, and even offered to take them out to dinner and pay the bill. It seemed that the harder he tried to be kind, the more vicious they became. They were even making efforts to turn the other players against Karl.

Karl finally met with his Bible teacher and poured out his heart. He wondered if something was wrong with him. What could he do to get these guys to like him? What had he done wrong? What would you say if you were Karls Bible teacher?

Toxic people come in all shapes and sizes. We have all met them. Maybe, in our worst moments, we have been them. What we can all agree on is that trying to appease people like Holly, DJ, and Johaan wont improve the situation. In most cases, things will only get worse.

From childhood, to teenage years, to young adulthood, and all through our life, we will face people who are mean, unfair, toxic, and deeply broken. For most of us, we have no category for these people, so we have no idea how to respond. Sometimes we blame ourselves. At other time we try harder to get along and smooth the waters. Those who are compassionate will often pray, care, and try to win them over. Those who are tenderhearted can end up with tears, depression, ulcers, and worse.