Erwin Raphael McManus - Soul Cravings: An Exploration of the Human Spirit

OTHER TITLES BY ERWIN RAPHAEL MCMANUS

Uprising

Stand Against the Wind

The Barbarian Way

Chasing Daylight

An Unstoppable Force

Copyright 2006 by Erwin Raphael McManus

All rights reserved. No portion of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any meanselectronic, mechanical, photocopy, recording, scanning, or otherexcept for brief quotations in critical reviews or articles, without the prior written permission of the publisher.

Published in Nashville, Tennessee by Thomas Nelson, Inc.

Published in association with Yates & Yates, LLP, Attorneys and Counselors, Orange, California.

Photography by Chad Lauterbach (www.witheyeswideopen.com)

Illustrations by Joby Harris

Unless otherwise noted, Scripture quotations are taken from the New international Version of the Bible. Copyright 1973, 1978, 1984 by International Bible Society. Used by permission of Zondervan. All rights reserved.

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

McManus, Erwin Raphael.
Soul cravings : an exploration of the human spirit / Erwin Raphael McManus.
p. cm.
ISBN-10: 0-7852-1494-1 (hardcover)
ISBN-13: 978-0-7852-1494-6 (hardcover)
ISBN-10: 0-7852-8886-4 (IE)
ISBN-13: 978-0-7852-8886-2 (IE)
1. Spirituality. I. Title.
BV4501.3.M3755 2006
248.4dc22

2006027950

Printed in the United States of America

1 2 3 4 5 QW 10 09 08 07 06

To ALBY KIPHUTH

or as I know her,

Mom.

You have always been a great adventurer, a passionate lover of life,
a free spirit with a questioning mind, an insatiable curiosity,
an extraordinary resilience, and an indomitable spirit.

You are proof of the beauty of the human spirit.

CONTENTS

Love Is Like Stepping on Broken Glass
entry 1

Im Living in the Worlds Most Dangerous Place
entry 2

Love Is a Thin Red Line
entry 3

One Is the Loneliest Number
entry 4

The Danger of Loving Nothing
entry 5

When Love Cuts Like a Knife
entry 6

Making, Taking, Faking Love
entry 7

Love Lost and Abandoned
entry 8

The Elusive Nature of Love
entry 9

What Must I Do to Be Loved?
entry 10

Chased by Love (Please Dont Run Too Fast)
entry 11

Its Murder Out There
entry 12

Being Loved to Death?
entry 13

A Vacuum of Love
entry 14

Where Do I Belong?
entry 15

God and Basketball
entry 16

Do You Know Who You Are?
entry 17

Nowhere Man
entry 18

A Force Greater Than Death
entry 19

Like a Kiss on the Face
entry 20

Love Is Not a Four-Letter Word
entry 21

Heading Down the Glory Road
entry 1

I Was Born to Run
entry 2

Destiny Calling
entry 3

Do We All Dream of Flying?
entry 4

Life Is a Dream in the Making
entry 5

Neutral Doesnt Get You Anywhere
entry 6

Destiny Calls Like a Siren
entry 7

Looking Forward
entry 8

Oxygen for the Soul
entry 9

Believing in the Future Takes Faith
entry 10

Running Out of Time
entry 11

Despairs Only Hope
entry 12

Imagine
entry 13

On Becoming Human
entry 14

A Reason to Live
entry 15

A Crisis of Success
entry 16

A Search for Significance
entry 17

Driven, Destined, and Determined to Change
entry 18

Becoming the Change
entry 19

The Secret Longing of the Soul
entry 20

A Fresh Start to a Dead End
entry 21

Standardized Testing
entry 22

Creatives
entry 23

Pathos
entry 24

A Place of Hope
entry 25

Is It All Just Dumb Luck?
entry 1

Making Sense of This Mess
entry 2

Whats the Meaning of This?
entry 3

Open Our Coffins and Were All
Just Well-Meaning Vampires
entry 4

Ive Got a Frog in My Throat
entry 5

Junk Food and the Search for Truth
entry 6

The Answer Is the Question (or the Other Way Around)
entry 7

I dont Understand Why I Must Understand
entry 8

I Dont Know How I Know What I Know
entry 9

If Its Pitch Black, Does It Matter If Youre Blind?
entry 10

We Are All Decoding
entry 11

Its All in How You Look At It
entry 12

Home Alone
entry 13

The Truth Is, Its About Trust
entry 14

Bloody Sunday Leads to Cheap Monday
entry 15

Truth Eventually Gets Personal
entry 16

Youve Gotta Know Who to Trust
entry 17

Why Crawl When You Can Jump?
entry 18

A Healthy Faith in Doubts
entry 19

Its Not Supposed to Make You Sick
entry 20

Driving Blind Full Speed Ahead
entry 21

Just Follow the Signs
entry 22

I WAKE UP EACH MORNING REMINDED THAT ALL I need to face the day is to breathe deeply of fresh air and to find my way to the nearest Starbucks. Well, actually I live in LA, so I really can live without the fresh air (my lungs have finally adapted to the smog). The caffeine, on the other hand, is essential. Each morning demands its Venti 2percent extra hot, wet cappuccino.

Before you condemn me, let me assure you its not an addiction but an appreciation. I can quit anytime, and so I dont need to. Im convinced coffee is an acquired taste. The aroma is better than the flavor, not to mention the compelling nature of the effect.

Science is only now discovering the medicinal value of the sacred bean. If all goes well, it will soon be its own food group. Ive never been pregnant (my wife volunteered both times), but I do know the power of cravings. Is my relationship to java a problem? No, espresso is a guilty pleasure, and I am grateful for my dealer... um... barista.

There are cravings within me, though, that pull on me like an addiction.

They have always been with me and have even at times tormented me.

They go far deeper than any physical addiction ever could.

Beyond my flesh,

beyond my mind,

beyond my heart,

there seems to be a place where my deepest and

most powerful cravings lie.

And they do not lie silently.

My soul, it seems, always desires and demands, and no matter how I try to satisfy it, it always craves more. No, not more, but something I cant seem to understand.

My soul craves, but for what I dont know.

And there I tell you is at least half my problem. Ive tried so many things and done so many things, certain they would satisfy my soul, but they never did.

Most of the time it was worse than leaving me empty. Not only did I find myself unsatisfied, but the craterlike vacuum inside me was now deeper than it was before.

It seems as if Ive spent my whole life trying to satisfy this insatiable part of my being.

If you interviewed my soul, it would probably describe me as sadistic or masochistic. My soul would tell you I find some dark pleasure in leaving it unsatisfied. Before you jump to a conclusion, though, you need to hear both sides. Its not like I wanted to starve my soul to death. I never purposely withheld from it what it needed.

If I saw a guy crawling in the desert desperate for water, I would share whatever I had with him. If I knew where the well was, I would point the way. Heck, Id even drag him there.

How can I be held responsible when my soul doesnt even know what it really needs?