Kim McMillen - When I Loved Myself Enough

WHEN I LOVED MYSELF ENOUGH

KIM McMILLEN

with Alison McMillen

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TO MY ALI GIRL

AN EXTRAORDINARY DAUGHTER WHO ALWAYS KNEW I WASNT BORN YESTERDAY.

FOR MANY YEARS I LIVED WITH A GUARDED HEART. I DID NOT KNOW HOW TO EXTEND LOVE AND COMPASSION TO MYSELF. IN MY 40th YEAR THAT BEGAN CHANGING.

AS I GREW TO LOVE ALL OF WHO I AM LIFE STARTED CHANGING IN BEAUTIFUL AND MYSTERIOUS WAYS. MY HEART SOFTENED AND I BEGAN TO SEE THROUGH VERY DIFFERENT EYES.

MY COMMITMENT TO FOLLOW THIS CALLING GREW STRONG AND IN THE PROCESS A DIVINE INTELLIGENCE CAME TO GUIDE MY LIFE. I BELIEVE THIS EVER PRESENT RESOURCE IS GRACE AND IS AVAILABLE TO US ALL.

FOR THE PAST 12 YEARS I HAVE BEEN LEARNING TO RECOGNIZE AND ACCEPT THIS GIFT. CULTIVATING LOVE AND COMPASSION FOR MYSELF MADE IT POSSIBLE.

THE FOLLOWING STEPS ARE UNIQUELY MINE. YOURS WILL LOOK DIFFERENT. BUT I DO HOPE MINE GIVE VOICE TO A HUNGER YOU MAY SHARE.

I QUIT SETTLING FOR TOO LITTLE.

I CAME TO KNOW MY OWN GOODNESS

I BEGAN TAKING THE GIFT OF LIFE SERIOUSLY AND GRATEFULLY.

I BEGAN TO KNOW I WAS IN THE RIGHT PLACE AT THE RIGHT TIME

AND I COULD RELAX.

I FELT COMPELLED TO SLOW DOWN WAY DOWN

AND THAT HAS MADE ALL THE DIFFERENCE.

I BOUGHT A FEATHER BED.

I CAME TO LOVE BEING ALONE SURROUNDED BY SILENCE AWED BY ITS SPELL LISTENING TO INNER SPACE

I CAME TO SEE I AM NOT SPECIAL

BUT I AM UNIQUE.

I REDEFINED SUCCESS AND LIFE BECAME SIMPLE. OH, THE PLEASURE IN THAT.

I CAME TO KNOW I AM WORTHY OF KNOWING GOD DIRECTLY.

I BEGAN TO SEE I DIDNT HAVE TO CHASE AFTER LIFE. IF I AM QUIET AND HOLD STILL, LIFE COMES TO ME.

I GAVE UP THE BELIEF THAT LIFE IS HARD.

I CAME TO SEE EMOTIONAL PAIN IS A SIGNAL I AM OPERATING OUTSIDE TRUTH.

I LET THE TOMBOY IN ME SWING OFF THE ROPE IN JACKASS CANYON. YES!

I LEARNED TO MEET MY OWN NEEDS AND NOT CALL IT SELFISH.

THE PARTS OF ME LONG IGNORED, THE ORPHANS OF MY SOUL, QUIT VYING FOR ATTENTION. THAT WAS THE BEGINNING OF INNER PEACE. THEN I BEGAN SEEING CLEARLY.

I BEGAN TO SEE THAT DESIRES OF THE HEART DO COME, AND I GREW MORE PATIENT AND CALM, EXCEPT WHEN I FORGET.

I QUIT IGNORING OR TOLERATING MY PAIN.

I STARTED FEELING ALL MY FEELINGS, NOT ANALYZING THEM REALLY FEELING THEM.

WHEN I DO, SOMETHING AMAZING HAPPENS. TRY IT. YOU WILL SEE.

MY HEART BECAME SO TENDER IT COULD WELCOME JOY AND SORROW EQUALLY.

I STARTED MEDITATING EVERYDAY. THIS IS A PROFOUND ACT OF SELF LOVE.

I CAME TO FEEL LIKE A GIFT TO THE WORLD AND I COLLECTED BEAUTIFUL RIBBONS AND BOWS.

THEY STILL HANG ON MY WALL TO REMIND ME.

I LEARNED TO ASK, WHO IN ME IS FEELING THIS WAY WHEN I FEEL ANXIOUS, ANGRY, RESTLESS OR SAD.

IF I LISTEN PATIENTLY I DISCOVER WHO NEEDS MY LOVE.

I NO LONGER NEEDED THINGS OR PEOPLE TO MAKE ME FEEL SAFE.

I QUIT WISHING MY LIFE LOOKED SOME OTHER WAY AND BEGAN TO SEE THAT AS IT IS, MY LIFE SERVES MY EVOLUTION.

I BEGAN TO COMPREHEND THE COMPLEXITY, MYSTERY AND VASTNESS OF MY SOUL. HOW FOOLISH TO THINK I CAN KNOW THE MEANING OF ANOTHERS LIFE

I QUIT PROJECTING MY STRENGTHS AND WEAKNESSES ON TO OTHERS AND KEPT THEM AS MY OWN.

I BEGAN TO FEEL A DIVINE PRESENCE IN ME AND HEAR ITS GUIDANCE.

I AM LEARNING TO TRUST THIS AND LIVE FROM IT.

I QUIT EXHAUSTING MYSELF BY TRYING SO HARD.

I BEGAN FEELING A COMMUNITY WITHIN. THIS INNER TEAM WITH DIVERSE TALENTS AND IDIOSYNCRACIES IS MY STRENGTH AND MY POTENTIAL

WE HOLD TEAM MEETINGS.

I STOPPED BLAMING MYSELF FOR CHOICES I HAD MADE WHICH MADE ME FEEL SAFE AND I TOOK RESPONSIBILITY FOR THEM.

I BEGAN SEEING THE ABUSE IN TRYING TO FORCE SOMETHING OR SOMEONE WHO ISNT READY INCLUDING ME.

I BEGAN WALKING AND TAKING THE STAIRS EVERY CHANCE I GET, AND CHOOSING THE SCENIC ROUTE.

I BECAME MY OWN AUTHORITY BY LISTENING TO THE WISDOM OF MY HEART. THIS IS HOW GOD SPEAKS TO ME. THIS IS INTUITION.

I BEGAN FEELING SUCH RELIEF.

THE IMPULSIVE PART OF ME LEARNED TO WAIT FOR THE RIGHT TIME. THEN I BECOME CLEAR AND UNAFRAID.

I BEGAN TO ACCEPT THE UNACCEPTABLE.

I BEGAN TO SEE THAT MY EGO IS PART OF MY SOUL. WITH THIS SHIFT IN PERCEPTION IT LOST ITS STRIDENCY AND PARANOIA, AND COULD DO ITS JOB.

I WOULD SOMETIMES WAKE IN THE NIGHT TO MUSIC PLAYING WITHIN ME.

I BEGAN LEAVING WHATEVER WASNT HEALTHY. THIS MEANT PEOPLE, JOBS, MY OWN BELIEFS AND HABITS ANYTHING THAT KEPT ME SMALL. MY JUDGMENT CALLED IT DISLOYAL. NOW I SEE IT AS SELF LOVING.

I GAVE UP PERFECTIONISM THAT KILLER OF JOY.

I COULD TELL THE TRUTH ABOUT MY GIFTS AND MY LIMITATIONS.

I QUIT ANSWERING THE TELEPHONE WHEN I DONT WANT TO TALK.

FORGIVING OTHERS BECAME IRRELEVANT.

I COULD REMEMBER, DURING TIMES OF CONFUSION, STRUGGLE OR GRIEF, THAT THESE TOO ARE PART OF ME AND DESERVE MY LOVE.

I COULD ALLOW MY HEART TO BURST WIDE OPEN AND TAKE IN THE PAIN OF THE WORLD.

I STARTED PICKING UP LITTER ON THE STREET.

I COULD FEEL GOD IN ME AND SEE GOD IN YOU. THAT MAKES US DIVINE!

ARE YOU READY FOR THAT?

I STARTED WRITING ABOUT MY LIFE AND VIEWS BECAUSE I KNEW THIS WAS MY RIGHT AND MY RESPONSIBILITY.

I BEGAN TO SEE MY PURPOSE AND GENTLY WEAN MYSELF FROM DISTRACTIONS.

I SAW THAT WHAT I RESISTED PERSISTED. LIKE A SMALL CHILD TUGGING MY SKIRT. NOW I AM CURIOUS AND GENTLE WHEN RESISTANCE COMES TUGGING.

I LEARNED TO STOP WHAT I AM DOING, IF EVEN FOR A MOMENT, AND COMFORT THE PART OF ME WHO IS SCARED.

I LEARNED TO SAY NO WHEN I WANT TO AND YES WHEN I WANT TO.

I SAW BEYOND RIGHT AND WRONG AND BECAME NEUTRAL. AT FIRST I THOUGHT THIS WAS INDIFFERENCE;

NOW I SEE THE CLARITY THAT COMES WITH NEUTRALITY.

I BEGAN TO FEED MY HUNGER FOR SOLITUDE AND REVEL IN THE INEXPLICABLE CONTENTMENT THAT IS ITS COMPANION.

I COULD SEE HOW FUNNY LIFE IS, HOW FUNNY I AM AND HOW FUNNY YOU ARE.