Humble the Poet - How to Be Love(d): Simple Truths for Going Easier on Yourself, Embracing Imperfection & Loving Your Way to a Better Life

I was supposed to practice this, write out a full pros and cons list, and read that How to break up better ebook from a relationship coach I researched. I didnt get a chance to do any of it. I had no exit plan, no one was yelling, there wasnt going to be a storming off, no doors would be slammed, no one was lost in the heat of the moment.

Instead, all I could do was look at the patterns of the rug, but now I couldnt describe them if I wanted to. The shapes were moving as tears filled up my face. The puppy looked at me and realized this was an opportunity to grab tissues out of my hand. She probably loved the taste of the salt of my tears, how fitting.

I didnt go there to do anything or say anything. I hadnt made my peace with ending it, but I had been thinking about ending it for weeks, if not months, if not years. She spoke about the lessons she was learning during our break and was asking if I was open to seeing a couples therapist, who could possibly provide us with the tools we needed to make it through the rough patch we were going through.

I didnt say anything, and she knew.

She asked, Have you made a decision?

All I could do was keep my head down and look at the rug, skin itchy from the puppy, envious that she had no idea how horrible the moment was. The puppy and I played tug-of-war with a bandanna as I tried to pick the right words.

My mind was playing words of wisdom on a loop:

Decency is the absence of strategy.

The goal here cant be to avoid looking like the bad guy. The goal is to be as honest and open as possible.

Im scared to hurt you. Im scared I wasted your time. Im scared of hurting my mom and letting everyone down. Im scared to prove your sister right. Im just scared.

I looked up at her for a second. She was crying. I saw the most gut-wrenching pain on her face. And when her eyes met mine, it got worse.

Even with the pain, she was being so kind. Thats a special kind of strength.

You have to decide and do whats right for you. Maybe we can just take more space; I feel like Ive been making so much progress. She paused and I could feel her negotiating and then stopping herself. But then again, weve taken space, and if this is what you need to do, then decide that.

She didnt want to hear the words but wanted to hear the words.

I wanted to say, Im sorry, this needs to be over, and get up and walk out, but I was terrified. I still wasnt sure, and I didnt want to throw it all away.

Dont deny your future by holding on to your past . Shut the fuck up! Please, just shut the fuck up. This is not a time for inspiring quotes, this is real life, real people, real consequences, real pain. Just shut the fuck up, please!

I just dont want to break up our family. When I see her, I see you, she is you, she said, looking at our puppy. The puppy really was mefeisty with moments of cuteness, she walked to her own tune and played by her own rules. I cant look at her without seeing you.

My heart crumpled, and my eyes continued to fill up.

She was trying her best not to guilt me into staying. She was trying her best not to make me feel bad. She wasnt thinking about herself, she was thinking about me. She didnt have a petty bone in her body. She told me our relationship had no deal breakers and that she would always stick with me, even when I thought I didnt deserve it.

I tried my best to keep it about me. I wanted to tell her that although she loved me so intensely and unconditionally, I wasnt able to receive or honor it. Instead, I had been treating her love as a free pass to do dumb shit without consequence, but theres always consequences. I needed to work on myself so I wouldnt do that dumb shit anymore, not so I could be in a healthy relationship, but just so I could live with myself.

I hope at least one percent of you is relieved, I said.

Zero percent of me is relieved, she replied quickly.

Tears and tissues piled up. She wasnt mad at me, she wasnt begging me to stay, but she was so sad. I never wanted to make her this sad. I felt like a piece of garbage for doing this to her.

Just make your decision and go, she said.

When I went to get up off the floor, I could see the pain in her face go from a 10 to 5,000 as she looked up at me with those eyes, and I was paralyzed.

Earlier in the year, she had looked up at me with those same eyes, tears filling them up as she awkwardly went down on a knee in the water off the beach and gave her version of a proposal: no ring, just her, in her ultimate vulnerability. I was confused until I saw all of our friends with their phones out, excitedly recording the moment.

I was supposed to have a necklace for you, it was my dads, but it wasnt ready in time, and I dont want you to see this as pressure, but I mean, were here.

I said yes, and I meant it.

Now Im standing over her, about to walk away from my fiance, my partner, the one person who has consistently loved me more than I love myself.

If you knew her, or had even just met her, you would have realized how lucky I was to have such abundant love in my life, but unfortunately, no one can fill our hearts if our doors are closed.

I didnt start writing this book because Im an expert on lovefar from it. Im writing this because Im desperate. Desperate to realize love, accept love, and learn how I keep fucking it up. Desperate to know why I had a rare diamond the size of my fist, but treated her like a paperweight, a placeholder, out of sight, doing nothing to encourage her to shine. I didnt hold space for her to be her beautiful self, leaving us both exhausted, defeated, and alone. Alone not because Im by myself, but because I dont enjoy my own company.